I can only Imagine ♪

I'm really tired today. So it's really hard to be grateful. So I'm only going to list two things.

1. Nerds. I like nerds. They taste good. WEll I like all candy in general.

2. Rain. It's nice. It's soothing. It's cleansing.

I have work tomorrow. Computer training. I wish my manager would call me. I don't like not knowing my schedule. God help me. God help us all. This has been the longest week of my life.

Who am I ♩

Gratitude:
1. Family. I seriously sometimes wish I was born into a different family, but at the end of the day, when I'm down and lost, my family has my back. Besides, they're the only ones willing to put up with my constant chattering. :0 Go family~

2. Pink lemonade. I forgot just how tasty concentrate was. It's delicious. Thank you creator of...dang, I forgot the name of it. But there's another flavor that's fruit punch. But it's not as tasty. I got it from Burger King. It was worth it. Even though the bacon cheeseburgers were not. They were so tiny! I got ripped off. That tiny burger was like 400 calories too! Man.

3. Friends. Okay, so I really don't have any friends. But there's this one girl from junior high who is really sweet and so she befriended me and is able to stand through all of my awkwardness, and I love her. She's wonderful. I love people like her and I wish there were more people like that in the world. I do wish for a friend though. You know a bff. That's something I've always dreamed of. Someone that I can share secrets with. Whine to. Celebrate with. Talk about guys with. Talk about manga with. Talk about korean dramas. Go eat lunch with. Go places with. Sigh. A girl can dream.

4. God. I love Him. I really do. Sometimes I forget that bc my life is full of unpredictable woohoos, but other days like today I'm just filled with such a profound love that He loves me. I mean. How can he? But he does. And that's just...overwhelmingly...awesome.

5. Extrovert people. Please adopt me. And for those who have or even just taken the time to talk to me, thank you.

Oh and I'd just like to say to those people that spit gum on the sidewalk. That's not very nice. I stepped in it and now my ballet shoes are messed up. Being a crappy person to make other people feel as crappy as you, just makes you a crappier person. Please stop this. Stop it at once you gum spitting on sidewalk people.

That's also really disgusting. Idk where your nasty mouth has been and now it's on the bottom of my shoe. :O eeeewwwwwwww. not good, fools.

Please let me sleep, I'm tired.

♮ And when the night falls the lonely heart calls

You know. I thought about it. Just living with my family forever. I mean. Think about it. Besides for in American it being odd that you live with your parents. I would save money on rent. I would always have someone around if I needed them. I would be saving money.

No really. I would save so much money by just splitting the cost of living at home with my parents.

But. Today again reminded me why I'd rather have my own space.

I can eat food that I want without people complaining. I can sleep whenever I want to. I can buy whatever I want to. Granted, I'll have to pay bills, but I think the freedom will be worth it. I'm so tired of living here. I'm so tired of arguing ALL the time.

Now, I sound like an ungrateful brat. Which I probably am. Sorry. I'm trying to fix that. That's actually why I made this blog. It was supposed to be a gratitude journal. You know positivity and good vibes. So. We'll go back to that bc I obviously regressed in the time that I wasn't on here.

Gratitude:
1. Food. That was really good noodles. And the meat was so tender and so were the carrots. Oh my gosh. It's all your fault that I weigh so much. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TASTE SO GOOD??? And why do you have to trigger the reward center of my brain so that I crave more????
2. Disney. I love Mulan. The "Make a Man" song is so catchy and motivating.
3. That I'm done with school. This morning I was cleaning my room and basically I'm dumping everything. All those notes. And I mean, ALL THOSE NOTES, are going in the recycle bin (save the planet, kids!).
4. The internet. So I can google diy things. bc buying things is expensive. Especially for someone who isn't working.
5. Spontaneous extroverts. I love them. Bc as an introvert I love it when people talk to me, bc I don't have the courage to talk to them. Please talk to me. I'm lonely. And if you do, thank you. It makes me feel like a human when you do. :)

Goals:
Hmmmmm. It's time to put new goals up! lol. long term and short term.
1. Finish putting all those wires in my room onto cyclinders so it's more organized.
2. Be able to do okay at orientation tomorrow! I'm scared! These will be my potential coworkers! I'm gonna fake it till I make it hardcore tomorrow!
3. long term goal: work hard now. with a lot of overtime. so that I can retire early and go on vacation to see lots of new places and eat good food and meet new people. that's my end game right there. hopefully my hard work will pay off.

Fears I should work on conquering:
1. Receiving critique. I should take what they say into consideration instead of pretending to listen and dumping away their information and crying about being critiqued. I have soft skin. I wish I had thicker skin. But I'm working on it.

Sigh.

When you have something precious you must protect But you can only stand rooted to the ground, not knowing what to do ♬

I said I would write a post if I passed my NCLEX. And well, guys? Guess who passed? This punk right here~ lol. by the hand of God, I was able to pass. Lol, and the only way that I realized I passed was because I got a call from an employer.

I had actually been waiting for the report you get back the CPR report for when you fail. I read somewhere you get it like a week after you failed. So that whole week I was basically dead. No seriously. After the test. I sat in my car and cried. Drove home and cried. Oh, went into chick fil a with giant puffy eyes to order some chicken for my family. That was the saddest chicken I ever ate. I regret not being able to enjoy it to its fullest value. Basically just went into my room, closed the blinds and tried to sleep since that night actually I didn't sleep until like 6 in the morning! And my test was at 8! lol, so I got like 30 min-1 hour of sleep before I dragged my butt out of bed and went to take that exam. Man, it was killer.

Anyways, then when it was dinner time, I went to eat with my family and then while eating I just kind of lost it. I literally sat there and blubbered to my mom saying that I was a failure. That I would have to pay an extra 200 to take the exam again and an extra 400 for a review bc obviously I didn't prepare myself the first time. My mom, bless her heart, was all, it's fine. Everybody fails. You can't win at everything. And so what if you failed? Take a break, gather yourself, and then try again. You're young. You don't have kids of your own. You have the rest of your life to get a job. Again I say, bless her heart.

Anyways so that whole week went on with me just being a bum. Bumming around. I didn't really eat a lot. Just...kind of laid around and kept saying stuff like oh I hate myself. I'm so stupid. I'm a terrible person. A terrible daughter. That I should have never been born. That I should have died. That I should die. Man I was a depressing ball of meat.

Then fast forward to a couple of days ago. I got the call and guess what I PASSEEDDDDDD HAHAHHAA.

So the routine that I did. It was actually really bad. I graduated May 13. I bummed around the week after because my brother graduated the next week; lol that's the excuse I used. And then the week after that I was all, hey I'm finally done with school I deserve a vacation! haha, those weeks were the nicest weeks of my life. Oh I was also waiting for my ATT too. Bc it takes about 4-6 weeks to get that after graduation.  But then the middle of the week I got a text from a classmate saying that all these people had passed NCLEX from our class and thus started my freakout. I didn't want to be the only way to fail from my class bc I wasn't a smart chickie. I was probably the lowest or second to lowest ranked person in our class. I scrapped by most semesters with just barely enough to pass. Sometimes I got what was just needed to pass. Those classes were OB/PEDs and pharm; these are the devil! My bad that I've never had a baby. My bad that I'm not a mum. My bad that my family doesn't believe in taking medicine. Experience really does matter fellows.

That night I ordered UWORLD for 30 days bc I'm pretty much poor with no job and didn't want to waste 400 for a review that had mixed reviews about it; also there wasn't a live event in my area for another month and that would have been too late. The next day I went to school with the 35 page study guide that's going around? and also the hesi study guide that was on allnurses and mark klimek quizlet and la charity book. I basically tried to memorize those 3 things and tried doing about a chapter or 2 of the la charity book a day. But realized after spending about that whole week with about 4-6 hours a day that I was getting nowhere and nowhere fast. There was too much information. There was no way that I could memorize it all. So I scraped it all and just focused on Uworld and la charity. I was able to get to ch. 18 of lacharity. And there was about 400 questions left on Uworld. I felt so bad bc I spent money but didn't finish it. My scores were all over the place. I would get 40%-60%. This did not inspire confidence in me. I would read all these posts about people making 80 and 90 and I'm just all...dang. I wish I could transplant my brain.

Anyways so fast forward to 2 days before the test. I had about 1000 questions left. I basically lived and breathed uworld. I'd finish an exam, oh and at this point I gave up on writing out the rationales, I started typing them bc it would give me more time to do more test questions. Those last two days I was a wreck. I did about 5 of those 75 questions test each day. And the night before the test. I wanted to listen to those people. I really wanted to not study and chill but me. I'm a worrier. I worry all day long. I worry about things I shouldn't even have to worry about.

So to appease myself I did more tests and around midnight I took the 2nd assessment. I got about 65%. It said very high chance of passing. I thought BS. I don't even remember half of the answers that I put. No way. So I reviewed that test and then BAM.

The lights cut off. There was a thunderstorm. I figured this was God's way of saying GO TO SLEEP YOU IDIOT.

But like an idiot, I started freaking out. I went around the house with my brother waving a flashlight around and telling him that I was freaking out. Basically just saying that maybe this was a bad omen. Maybe a tornado would come and then I would be dead the next morning so I wouldn't have to take my test. lol I wasted like an hour going around the house with one of those flashlights you strap to your head. Now that I think about it, I really was an idiot.

Lol, then my dad told me to go to bed.

And instead of going to bed like a good and smart kid, I went on my ipad bc luckily it was fully charged and just looked at the document I had made with all the notes I had made on uworld. I read that until like 3 in the morning. then I kind of surfed the web about last minute nclex tips and success and failure stories. then i set the document to read outloud or the speak option and kind of laid there until 6 o clock. Then when the sun was peaking through my window, I squinted my eyes and begged God. God, please let me sleep for just a little bit.

30 minutes. 1 hour. some sleep is better than any sleep!

So God was good and I dozed off until 6:30 where my brother woke me up. Don't you have a test? I'm all...eh wake me up at 6:45. and went back to that state between not really sleeping but kind of sleeping? lol and then woke up at 6:45 and while getting dressed and brushing my teeth I looked at the notes again.

I was basically a wreck at this point. I put on my sweatpants and my Mickey mouse shirt. debated between putting my hair up or down and figured with it up, usually my concentration is better but when studying I had it down. I went with it up. (actually regretted this later, bc ponytails give me a headache). I went out to eat breakfast. (which I NEVER do)

But figured since it could be a 6 hour test I should eat SOMETHING. I ate 2 crackers dipped in peanut butter and a cup of water. I was really nauseous with just that. I said to my brother that I was leaving and asked him to wish me luck and went to the site. I got there about 7:20. Talked to some other test takers outside. None of them were taking the NCLEX, but it was nice knowing that we were all pretty anxious and stressed over whatever exam we were taking.

Most important thing I found in common was that we were all praying to God about it. I wished them luck. They wished me luck. I went in. Messed up the weird palm scan thingy. Realized there was a document showing how to do it. Felt embarrassed, but still more stressed out about the test. Went in. Asked for ear plugs bc the last test I took I wore them and aced the exam; I was hoping for a similar result.

Okay. Now. How do I explain the test. IT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I WOULD RATHER PULL OUT MY OWN TEETH WITH MY BARE HANDS THAN DO THAT AGAIN.

Seriously.

I started.

Oh wait. No I didn't. Before I started anything. I clasped my hands together, closed my eyes, and prayed. I prayed for like a solid minute or 2. Then I started.

There was a tutorial on how to do it and the different format questions. I did that and I could feel the lack of sleep hitting me. I was starting to get a headache on the right side of my head. And I was starting to cough from the peanut butter. I tried to hold it in bc I knew there were other test takers. But when I would cough bc I was wearing headphones it would be amplified and it was making my headache worse. lol.

so I get questions and I make sure to hide the time bc I do worse under pressure. but bc I am also a curious question I remember looking over and seeing question 35. That's when I start doing this weird thing where I basically put my head in my hands and contemplate what I'm doing with my life. I may have started bargaining with God and making please and promises, which is a really bad thing to do. Honestly, even if you asked me now I can't even remember what the test questions were. It was all a blur. But I do remember thinking that they should be harder. That there should be more prioritization questions. More select all that apply. And also I was getting questions from every category!

It was ridiculous. I'd get a pharm. then an ob. then a peds. then a math. then a drag and drop. right after another and I'm just all! Stop giving me whiplash! Let me do one category and then move on! I remember having a lot of safety and infection control...which just so happened to be the category that I studied least bc I figured hey PPE, I know that! And that was the only part of the 35 page study guide that I really studied! you know MTV, something SPIDERMAN. SO just a word of warning, make sure you study EVERY category. don't ever assume you get know something. so I looked over at what I assumed was the 75th question and it was 76th question.

At this point the sun is rising up and I was sitting near a window seat and even though the window was closed there was this stupid crack that landed right on my face. It was irritating. Once I tried to keep my calm...

PANIC MODE ON!!! I had heard about all these people passing at 75 questions! I went pass. Then I remembered something somebody said.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE STILL GETTING QUESTIONS YOU'RE STILL IN THE GAME.

So I clutched the right side of my headache, feeling the ear plugs more than I ever had and concentrated. My eyes, those stupid things, would roll over to the question number every few questions.

I had hit 85.

I WAS DYING. I wanted to be done. Each question I second guessed myself. I didn't even remember any strategies. The whole time all I could think was:

God, if I was meant to pass this test, then okay. If not, I'll do it again. In your hands now Lord.

I answered a couple more questions. And then I think around 90 something the computer just shut off and I had to clap a hand over my mouth to stop the startled yelp. It was so surprising I almost started to cry (see kids, this is why you need 8 hours of sleep). I kind of just stared at the stupid window seat I was at for a couple minutes. I cursed my school for not better preparing me for the test. I cursed myself for not investing in a more expensive review. Then I raised my hand and thanked the ladies even wishing they had a good day all the while dying inside.

And back to the the beginning of this post. Sat in my car and cried. Mostly bc I knew I got that last question wrong. I googled some other questions that I knew I got wrong, and just like I thought I had gotten them wrong. And they weren't even hard questions!!! They were things I thought I knew, but when I went into that test, it was like my mind went blank and my soul flew out that stupid window.

But here I am. After a depressing week and probably self-torture. I should have just ended it by looking on the BON website for my name, but I was too chicken. Lol. W/e. Alls well that ends well.

And that is my story of how I...not slayed the beast, not even rode it into the sunset, but instead snuck past its legs while it was sleeping. Bc, dang. All I can say is, thank you God.
----------

Now that that post is over. I wanted to ask God for help with my doctor's appointment. I'm not sure what's going to happen or what's going to be said, but we're about to go over results. Usually they don't call you in for good news, so I'm going to assume, it's bad. But like someone once told me, it's better to know than to not know. God help me, please. No matter the outcome, help me to live out your will.

If you were by my side and we stumbled in the dark I know we'd be alright ♪

Wah. So it's started, huh? The good to counteract the big bag of suck that was thrown at me.

I'm not sure how long this good news will last for, but I'm gonna milk it while I can.

So like I said, I've been having terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE year. But I just got a call saying that I passed my test!! Haha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! I seriously can't believe it. No seriously. I feel like I'm dreaming.

Please don't be a dream. Please.

Hah. I want to celebrate and be happy...but it's always been such a cycle that...I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Like it always does.

Anyways, I said that if I was going to pass that I would work on myself, bc I need work. I'm a pretty stinky human being. But the thing is that I want to be better. I can be better. I can do it. Maybe one day even to the point that I'll look in the mirror and be happy with what I see?? Hmm, idk. I'll keep trying. Keep breathing. Keep fighting.

Positives: PASSED SUCKER! EAT THAT HATERS! I'm fixing my sleeping schedule. It's summer so I've been all over the place but I like the one I have now where I sleep around 10 pm. and wake up around 7 am. I also got to eat asian buffet yesterday and it was delicious and I got to eat pizzahut today and that was also delicious.

Goals: I'm been doing this hydrogen peroxide  spray thing to try to lighten my hair and it's been...very slow. lol. I'm trying to get it to be that pretty auburn brown but since my hair is naturally black, it's been quite a struggle. I see parts of it being brown but only when I'm under an artifical lightbulb. lol. so I'm not sure how that's going, but I'm gonna keep trying. I'm not sure if I want to go all the way to blonde though. Oh I'm also trying to get a job. It's not my dream job, but I feel like it's a job that I have to do just to make sure I don't have any regrets before I try to go to my dream job...if that makes any sense. I'm also been on a diet lately. Lol. I use the word diet very loosely. Basically I've just been trying to cut out my midnight snacking since my metabolism is slow as molasses at night. I've lost about 2 pounds in a month...lol, but they that's progress?? Even if it's slow.

Hmmm. I think I'm gonna start working on my writing now. And maybe some manga drawing. And maybe some spanish learning. I'm undecided actually about which language to learn. I want to learn spanish, but I also want to learn japanese so I can read raw mangas. Idk. learning a language is hard.

I have to also call today about lab results...I'm scared. I also have to call back about a possible job.

Did I ever mention how terrified I am of phone calls? Because I really am. Super terrified. But 20 seconds. 20 seconds of courage. Help me God.

♬ Here's a story of a girl, Living in the lonely world ♮

My brain feels like it's going to explode.

I want to pass. I need to pass. This is all I have. This is everything that I am. This is it.

Lord, help me, please.

♫ I'm no superman I can't take your hand And fly you anywhere You want to go (シ_ _)シ

It's been a year. Quite a year since I've updated. I've graduated college and am facing the biggest test of my life. A test that literally is the pinnacle of all my schooling and I AM FREAKING OUT. lol. I had forgotten about this blog, but I think I need to continue. Life hasn't changed much. Still the same awkward alone kid. Lol. Maybe a bit more jaded.

I need God.

Because there isn't a way that I could have gotten this far without him and there's no way I can continue on without him.

Positive:
Woke up before noon. Lol, that is an accomplishment really bc ever since school ended, I've been so lost. The first 2 weeks I kind of just bummed around and then realized that I needed to get my bum into gear.
I did a practice test today. Not scoring anywhere I want to score, but doing questions is suppose to help.
I got to watch a scary movie(s) today. Okay, so I kind of have this thing for watching bad horror movies. I say bad, but I like them. They just tend to be rated lowly by other people, lol. Lol, or maybe I just have low standards, not sure.

Accomplishment:
Walking...for 30 minutes.
I drank some tea...lol, still working on that staying hydrated goal.
Finished a practice test. I didn't realize how long it takes to do a 75 question test. Not only that, but having to read and rewrite what I got wrong, (lol half the test :(), is so time consuming. It makes me so aware of my tiny attention span.
Oh I updated this blog. It took me like 2 hours to figure out how to change the cursor and to find a way to insert background music. I tried all sorts of code, but found out just embedding a music player was the easiest method. I'm obsessed with this song. It helps me concentrate.

Goals:
I'd like to maintain >60% on these practice tests and my goal was actually >77% but, it's looking like that isn't going to happen. lol.

God. I'm begging you. To please help me remember what I studied. Let these last 4 years not be in vain, but hey, whatever happens, will be what's meant to happen.

I think that's enough procrastinating for now. I'm gonna go back to studying. :) :( I have mixed emotions about this...lol. I forgot to say but the day of my national test will officially be this Friday at 8 in the morning. I have 3 days to remember everything there is to know. God help me.