I can only Imagine ♪

I'm really tired today. So it's really hard to be grateful. So I'm only going to list two things.

1. Nerds. I like nerds. They taste good. WEll I like all candy in general.

2. Rain. It's nice. It's soothing. It's cleansing.

I have work tomorrow. Computer training. I wish my manager would call me. I don't like not knowing my schedule. God help me. God help us all. This has been the longest week of my life.

Who am I ♩

Gratitude:
1. Family. I seriously sometimes wish I was born into a different family, but at the end of the day, when I'm down and lost, my family has my back. Besides, they're the only ones willing to put up with my constant chattering. :0 Go family~

2. Pink lemonade. I forgot just how tasty concentrate was. It's delicious. Thank you creator of...dang, I forgot the name of it. But there's another flavor that's fruit punch. But it's not as tasty. I got it from Burger King. It was worth it. Even though the bacon cheeseburgers were not. They were so tiny! I got ripped off. That tiny burger was like 400 calories too! Man.

3. Friends. Okay, so I really don't have any friends. But there's this one girl from junior high who is really sweet and so she befriended me and is able to stand through all of my awkwardness, and I love her. She's wonderful. I love people like her and I wish there were more people like that in the world. I do wish for a friend though. You know a bff. That's something I've always dreamed of. Someone that I can share secrets with. Whine to. Celebrate with. Talk about guys with. Talk about manga with. Talk about korean dramas. Go eat lunch with. Go places with. Sigh. A girl can dream.

4. God. I love Him. I really do. Sometimes I forget that bc my life is full of unpredictable woohoos, but other days like today I'm just filled with such a profound love that He loves me. I mean. How can he? But he does. And that's just...overwhelmingly...awesome.

5. Extrovert people. Please adopt me. And for those who have or even just taken the time to talk to me, thank you.

Oh and I'd just like to say to those people that spit gum on the sidewalk. That's not very nice. I stepped in it and now my ballet shoes are messed up. Being a crappy person to make other people feel as crappy as you, just makes you a crappier person. Please stop this. Stop it at once you gum spitting on sidewalk people.

That's also really disgusting. Idk where your nasty mouth has been and now it's on the bottom of my shoe. :O eeeewwwwwwww. not good, fools.

Please let me sleep, I'm tired.

♮ And when the night falls the lonely heart calls

You know. I thought about it. Just living with my family forever. I mean. Think about it. Besides for in American it being odd that you live with your parents. I would save money on rent. I would always have someone around if I needed them. I would be saving money.

No really. I would save so much money by just splitting the cost of living at home with my parents.

But. Today again reminded me why I'd rather have my own space.

I can eat food that I want without people complaining. I can sleep whenever I want to. I can buy whatever I want to. Granted, I'll have to pay bills, but I think the freedom will be worth it. I'm so tired of living here. I'm so tired of arguing ALL the time.

Now, I sound like an ungrateful brat. Which I probably am. Sorry. I'm trying to fix that. That's actually why I made this blog. It was supposed to be a gratitude journal. You know positivity and good vibes. So. We'll go back to that bc I obviously regressed in the time that I wasn't on here.

Gratitude:
1. Food. That was really good noodles. And the meat was so tender and so were the carrots. Oh my gosh. It's all your fault that I weigh so much. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TASTE SO GOOD??? And why do you have to trigger the reward center of my brain so that I crave more????
2. Disney. I love Mulan. The "Make a Man" song is so catchy and motivating.
3. That I'm done with school. This morning I was cleaning my room and basically I'm dumping everything. All those notes. And I mean, ALL THOSE NOTES, are going in the recycle bin (save the planet, kids!).
4. The internet. So I can google diy things. bc buying things is expensive. Especially for someone who isn't working.
5. Spontaneous extroverts. I love them. Bc as an introvert I love it when people talk to me, bc I don't have the courage to talk to them. Please talk to me. I'm lonely. And if you do, thank you. It makes me feel like a human when you do. :)

Goals:
Hmmmmm. It's time to put new goals up! lol. long term and short term.
1. Finish putting all those wires in my room onto cyclinders so it's more organized.
2. Be able to do okay at orientation tomorrow! I'm scared! These will be my potential coworkers! I'm gonna fake it till I make it hardcore tomorrow!
3. long term goal: work hard now. with a lot of overtime. so that I can retire early and go on vacation to see lots of new places and eat good food and meet new people. that's my end game right there. hopefully my hard work will pay off.

Fears I should work on conquering:
1. Receiving critique. I should take what they say into consideration instead of pretending to listen and dumping away their information and crying about being critiqued. I have soft skin. I wish I had thicker skin. But I'm working on it.

Sigh.

When you have something precious you must protect But you can only stand rooted to the ground, not knowing what to do ♬

I said I would write a post if I passed my NCLEX. And well, guys? Guess who passed? This punk right here~ lol. by the hand of God, I was able to pass. Lol, and the only way that I realized I passed was because I got a call from an employer.

I had actually been waiting for the report you get back the CPR report for when you fail. I read somewhere you get it like a week after you failed. So that whole week I was basically dead. No seriously. After the test. I sat in my car and cried. Drove home and cried. Oh, went into chick fil a with giant puffy eyes to order some chicken for my family. That was the saddest chicken I ever ate. I regret not being able to enjoy it to its fullest value. Basically just went into my room, closed the blinds and tried to sleep since that night actually I didn't sleep until like 6 in the morning! And my test was at 8! lol, so I got like 30 min-1 hour of sleep before I dragged my butt out of bed and went to take that exam. Man, it was killer.

Anyways, then when it was dinner time, I went to eat with my family and then while eating I just kind of lost it. I literally sat there and blubbered to my mom saying that I was a failure. That I would have to pay an extra 200 to take the exam again and an extra 400 for a review bc obviously I didn't prepare myself the first time. My mom, bless her heart, was all, it's fine. Everybody fails. You can't win at everything. And so what if you failed? Take a break, gather yourself, and then try again. You're young. You don't have kids of your own. You have the rest of your life to get a job. Again I say, bless her heart.

Anyways so that whole week went on with me just being a bum. Bumming around. I didn't really eat a lot. Just...kind of laid around and kept saying stuff like oh I hate myself. I'm so stupid. I'm a terrible person. A terrible daughter. That I should have never been born. That I should have died. That I should die. Man I was a depressing ball of meat.

Then fast forward to a couple of days ago. I got the call and guess what I PASSEEDDDDDD HAHAHHAA.

So the routine that I did. It was actually really bad. I graduated May 13. I bummed around the week after because my brother graduated the next week; lol that's the excuse I used. And then the week after that I was all, hey I'm finally done with school I deserve a vacation! haha, those weeks were the nicest weeks of my life. Oh I was also waiting for my ATT too. Bc it takes about 4-6 weeks to get that after graduation.  But then the middle of the week I got a text from a classmate saying that all these people had passed NCLEX from our class and thus started my freakout. I didn't want to be the only way to fail from my class bc I wasn't a smart chickie. I was probably the lowest or second to lowest ranked person in our class. I scrapped by most semesters with just barely enough to pass. Sometimes I got what was just needed to pass. Those classes were OB/PEDs and pharm; these are the devil! My bad that I've never had a baby. My bad that I'm not a mum. My bad that my family doesn't believe in taking medicine. Experience really does matter fellows.

That night I ordered UWORLD for 30 days bc I'm pretty much poor with no job and didn't want to waste 400 for a review that had mixed reviews about it; also there wasn't a live event in my area for another month and that would have been too late. The next day I went to school with the 35 page study guide that's going around? and also the hesi study guide that was on allnurses and mark klimek quizlet and la charity book. I basically tried to memorize those 3 things and tried doing about a chapter or 2 of the la charity book a day. But realized after spending about that whole week with about 4-6 hours a day that I was getting nowhere and nowhere fast. There was too much information. There was no way that I could memorize it all. So I scraped it all and just focused on Uworld and la charity. I was able to get to ch. 18 of lacharity. And there was about 400 questions left on Uworld. I felt so bad bc I spent money but didn't finish it. My scores were all over the place. I would get 40%-60%. This did not inspire confidence in me. I would read all these posts about people making 80 and 90 and I'm just all...dang. I wish I could transplant my brain.

Anyways so fast forward to 2 days before the test. I had about 1000 questions left. I basically lived and breathed uworld. I'd finish an exam, oh and at this point I gave up on writing out the rationales, I started typing them bc it would give me more time to do more test questions. Those last two days I was a wreck. I did about 5 of those 75 questions test each day. And the night before the test. I wanted to listen to those people. I really wanted to not study and chill but me. I'm a worrier. I worry all day long. I worry about things I shouldn't even have to worry about.

So to appease myself I did more tests and around midnight I took the 2nd assessment. I got about 65%. It said very high chance of passing. I thought BS. I don't even remember half of the answers that I put. No way. So I reviewed that test and then BAM.

The lights cut off. There was a thunderstorm. I figured this was God's way of saying GO TO SLEEP YOU IDIOT.

But like an idiot, I started freaking out. I went around the house with my brother waving a flashlight around and telling him that I was freaking out. Basically just saying that maybe this was a bad omen. Maybe a tornado would come and then I would be dead the next morning so I wouldn't have to take my test. lol I wasted like an hour going around the house with one of those flashlights you strap to your head. Now that I think about it, I really was an idiot.

Lol, then my dad told me to go to bed.

And instead of going to bed like a good and smart kid, I went on my ipad bc luckily it was fully charged and just looked at the document I had made with all the notes I had made on uworld. I read that until like 3 in the morning. then I kind of surfed the web about last minute nclex tips and success and failure stories. then i set the document to read outloud or the speak option and kind of laid there until 6 o clock. Then when the sun was peaking through my window, I squinted my eyes and begged God. God, please let me sleep for just a little bit.

30 minutes. 1 hour. some sleep is better than any sleep!

So God was good and I dozed off until 6:30 where my brother woke me up. Don't you have a test? I'm all...eh wake me up at 6:45. and went back to that state between not really sleeping but kind of sleeping? lol and then woke up at 6:45 and while getting dressed and brushing my teeth I looked at the notes again.

I was basically a wreck at this point. I put on my sweatpants and my Mickey mouse shirt. debated between putting my hair up or down and figured with it up, usually my concentration is better but when studying I had it down. I went with it up. (actually regretted this later, bc ponytails give me a headache). I went out to eat breakfast. (which I NEVER do)

But figured since it could be a 6 hour test I should eat SOMETHING. I ate 2 crackers dipped in peanut butter and a cup of water. I was really nauseous with just that. I said to my brother that I was leaving and asked him to wish me luck and went to the site. I got there about 7:20. Talked to some other test takers outside. None of them were taking the NCLEX, but it was nice knowing that we were all pretty anxious and stressed over whatever exam we were taking.

Most important thing I found in common was that we were all praying to God about it. I wished them luck. They wished me luck. I went in. Messed up the weird palm scan thingy. Realized there was a document showing how to do it. Felt embarrassed, but still more stressed out about the test. Went in. Asked for ear plugs bc the last test I took I wore them and aced the exam; I was hoping for a similar result.

Okay. Now. How do I explain the test. IT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I WOULD RATHER PULL OUT MY OWN TEETH WITH MY BARE HANDS THAN DO THAT AGAIN.

Seriously.

I started.

Oh wait. No I didn't. Before I started anything. I clasped my hands together, closed my eyes, and prayed. I prayed for like a solid minute or 2. Then I started.

There was a tutorial on how to do it and the different format questions. I did that and I could feel the lack of sleep hitting me. I was starting to get a headache on the right side of my head. And I was starting to cough from the peanut butter. I tried to hold it in bc I knew there were other test takers. But when I would cough bc I was wearing headphones it would be amplified and it was making my headache worse. lol.

so I get questions and I make sure to hide the time bc I do worse under pressure. but bc I am also a curious question I remember looking over and seeing question 35. That's when I start doing this weird thing where I basically put my head in my hands and contemplate what I'm doing with my life. I may have started bargaining with God and making please and promises, which is a really bad thing to do. Honestly, even if you asked me now I can't even remember what the test questions were. It was all a blur. But I do remember thinking that they should be harder. That there should be more prioritization questions. More select all that apply. And also I was getting questions from every category!

It was ridiculous. I'd get a pharm. then an ob. then a peds. then a math. then a drag and drop. right after another and I'm just all! Stop giving me whiplash! Let me do one category and then move on! I remember having a lot of safety and infection control...which just so happened to be the category that I studied least bc I figured hey PPE, I know that! And that was the only part of the 35 page study guide that I really studied! you know MTV, something SPIDERMAN. SO just a word of warning, make sure you study EVERY category. don't ever assume you get know something. so I looked over at what I assumed was the 75th question and it was 76th question.

At this point the sun is rising up and I was sitting near a window seat and even though the window was closed there was this stupid crack that landed right on my face. It was irritating. Once I tried to keep my calm...

PANIC MODE ON!!! I had heard about all these people passing at 75 questions! I went pass. Then I remembered something somebody said.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE STILL GETTING QUESTIONS YOU'RE STILL IN THE GAME.

So I clutched the right side of my headache, feeling the ear plugs more than I ever had and concentrated. My eyes, those stupid things, would roll over to the question number every few questions.

I had hit 85.

I WAS DYING. I wanted to be done. Each question I second guessed myself. I didn't even remember any strategies. The whole time all I could think was:

God, if I was meant to pass this test, then okay. If not, I'll do it again. In your hands now Lord.

I answered a couple more questions. And then I think around 90 something the computer just shut off and I had to clap a hand over my mouth to stop the startled yelp. It was so surprising I almost started to cry (see kids, this is why you need 8 hours of sleep). I kind of just stared at the stupid window seat I was at for a couple minutes. I cursed my school for not better preparing me for the test. I cursed myself for not investing in a more expensive review. Then I raised my hand and thanked the ladies even wishing they had a good day all the while dying inside.

And back to the the beginning of this post. Sat in my car and cried. Mostly bc I knew I got that last question wrong. I googled some other questions that I knew I got wrong, and just like I thought I had gotten them wrong. And they weren't even hard questions!!! They were things I thought I knew, but when I went into that test, it was like my mind went blank and my soul flew out that stupid window.

But here I am. After a depressing week and probably self-torture. I should have just ended it by looking on the BON website for my name, but I was too chicken. Lol. W/e. Alls well that ends well.

And that is my story of how I...not slayed the beast, not even rode it into the sunset, but instead snuck past its legs while it was sleeping. Bc, dang. All I can say is, thank you God.
----------

Now that that post is over. I wanted to ask God for help with my doctor's appointment. I'm not sure what's going to happen or what's going to be said, but we're about to go over results. Usually they don't call you in for good news, so I'm going to assume, it's bad. But like someone once told me, it's better to know than to not know. God help me, please. No matter the outcome, help me to live out your will.

If you were by my side and we stumbled in the dark I know we'd be alright ♪

Wah. So it's started, huh? The good to counteract the big bag of suck that was thrown at me.

I'm not sure how long this good news will last for, but I'm gonna milk it while I can.

So like I said, I've been having terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE year. But I just got a call saying that I passed my test!! Haha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! I seriously can't believe it. No seriously. I feel like I'm dreaming.

Please don't be a dream. Please.

Hah. I want to celebrate and be happy...but it's always been such a cycle that...I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Like it always does.

Anyways, I said that if I was going to pass that I would work on myself, bc I need work. I'm a pretty stinky human being. But the thing is that I want to be better. I can be better. I can do it. Maybe one day even to the point that I'll look in the mirror and be happy with what I see?? Hmm, idk. I'll keep trying. Keep breathing. Keep fighting.

Positives: PASSED SUCKER! EAT THAT HATERS! I'm fixing my sleeping schedule. It's summer so I've been all over the place but I like the one I have now where I sleep around 10 pm. and wake up around 7 am. I also got to eat asian buffet yesterday and it was delicious and I got to eat pizzahut today and that was also delicious.

Goals: I'm been doing this hydrogen peroxide  spray thing to try to lighten my hair and it's been...very slow. lol. I'm trying to get it to be that pretty auburn brown but since my hair is naturally black, it's been quite a struggle. I see parts of it being brown but only when I'm under an artifical lightbulb. lol. so I'm not sure how that's going, but I'm gonna keep trying. I'm not sure if I want to go all the way to blonde though. Oh I'm also trying to get a job. It's not my dream job, but I feel like it's a job that I have to do just to make sure I don't have any regrets before I try to go to my dream job...if that makes any sense. I'm also been on a diet lately. Lol. I use the word diet very loosely. Basically I've just been trying to cut out my midnight snacking since my metabolism is slow as molasses at night. I've lost about 2 pounds in a month...lol, but they that's progress?? Even if it's slow.

Hmmm. I think I'm gonna start working on my writing now. And maybe some manga drawing. And maybe some spanish learning. I'm undecided actually about which language to learn. I want to learn spanish, but I also want to learn japanese so I can read raw mangas. Idk. learning a language is hard.

I have to also call today about lab results...I'm scared. I also have to call back about a possible job.

Did I ever mention how terrified I am of phone calls? Because I really am. Super terrified. But 20 seconds. 20 seconds of courage. Help me God.

♬ Here's a story of a girl, Living in the lonely world ♮

My brain feels like it's going to explode.

I want to pass. I need to pass. This is all I have. This is everything that I am. This is it.

Lord, help me, please.

♫ I'm no superman I can't take your hand And fly you anywhere You want to go (シ_ _)シ

It's been a year. Quite a year since I've updated. I've graduated college and am facing the biggest test of my life. A test that literally is the pinnacle of all my schooling and I AM FREAKING OUT. lol. I had forgotten about this blog, but I think I need to continue. Life hasn't changed much. Still the same awkward alone kid. Lol. Maybe a bit more jaded.

I need God.

Because there isn't a way that I could have gotten this far without him and there's no way I can continue on without him.

Positive:
Woke up before noon. Lol, that is an accomplishment really bc ever since school ended, I've been so lost. The first 2 weeks I kind of just bummed around and then realized that I needed to get my bum into gear.
I did a practice test today. Not scoring anywhere I want to score, but doing questions is suppose to help.
I got to watch a scary movie(s) today. Okay, so I kind of have this thing for watching bad horror movies. I say bad, but I like them. They just tend to be rated lowly by other people, lol. Lol, or maybe I just have low standards, not sure.

Accomplishment:
Walking...for 30 minutes.
I drank some tea...lol, still working on that staying hydrated goal.
Finished a practice test. I didn't realize how long it takes to do a 75 question test. Not only that, but having to read and rewrite what I got wrong, (lol half the test :(), is so time consuming. It makes me so aware of my tiny attention span.
Oh I updated this blog. It took me like 2 hours to figure out how to change the cursor and to find a way to insert background music. I tried all sorts of code, but found out just embedding a music player was the easiest method. I'm obsessed with this song. It helps me concentrate.

Goals:
I'd like to maintain >60% on these practice tests and my goal was actually >77% but, it's looking like that isn't going to happen. lol.

God. I'm begging you. To please help me remember what I studied. Let these last 4 years not be in vain, but hey, whatever happens, will be what's meant to happen.

I think that's enough procrastinating for now. I'm gonna go back to studying. :) :( I have mixed emotions about this...lol. I forgot to say but the day of my national test will officially be this Friday at 8 in the morning. I have 3 days to remember everything there is to know. God help me.

So dance alone to the beat of your heart ♪ ┌|゜з゜｜┘

“I am participating in the Writing Contest: Writers Crushing Doubt. Hosted by Positive Writer.” See more at: 
copy and paste: http://positivewriter.com/writing-contest-2016/#sthash.XeSENqRH.dpuf
direct link: http://positivewriter.com/writing-contest-2016/#sthash.XeSENqRH.dpuf

I read the topic, and then realized it would take me too long to write and to be honest I didn't know how to start. I stopped writing a couple years ago and just recently started writing again and for the life of me, I couldn't remember why I stopped. As I was brushing my teeth, I tried to remember and then it hit me. 

I had published my writing online to get feedback. It was an easy way to see how people would respond to my writing, and it also gave me the power of anonymity. I should have known better. I know that in this world you can't please everyone and that it's nearly impossible to get everyone to like you...but still, I had held onto the thought that people are nice. I mean they are nice, but they can be quite harsh too. I guess I had blocked out that last half. After all, people aren't just a single hue; they're way more complex.

I got a comment that basically said my writing was trash; I should never write again; and, that next time I thought about posting a story, I should just not...it was like a bolt of lightening. I'm not going to lie. I read the comment several times, shut off my computer, went into the shower, and cried. I cried, and then I got angry. Who was one person to tell me what my writing was?  Very quickly though, the anger settled into doubt. What if my writing really was trash? Maybe all my teachers before had simply been placating me. After all, not everybody could be a writer...

I'm not a professional writer. Nor did I ever claim to be. I just like writing. It was as simple as that; I should have kept it as simple as that. 

The human brain is amazing and tragic in its ability to forget. If I hadn't forgotten about that incident, I might have been plagued forever with the nasty taste that one person had left. Now that I remember and look back on it, I can honestly admit, the story wasn't amazing, but it wasn't trash either.  It was on a site where everyone was free to post the stories that they had created and then get constructive criticism. I should have focused more on the positive comments instead of that one negative one, but bad things tend to stick more than good things. I'll still never understand people who intentionally make others feel small by insulting them, but, the thing I'm most sorry about is that I let one person taint a hobby that made me happy. 

My story isn't inspiring. It's not even motivational. I wasn't able to overcome that obstacle. I let it get to me. I fell down and didn't get back up. 

But I think what counts is that, now, I have gotten over it. I'm not staying down. I write and I'm still not a professional writer, but, I get to do the thing I love once again. I take what others say into consideration, but I don't let it control me. I let that past incident be a learning experience. 

It wasn't me personally that overcame writer's doubt, but more of time's influence. I don't know if that's cheating, but I'm grateful. 

Make it alright Need a little sweetness in my life ♬

Gratitude:
1. Music ♪ It's gotten me through my anger, my sadness, and allowed me to express my joys and happiness. How do they come up with such catchy melodies? It's odd though that some of the catchiest songs have the, to put it nicely, oddest lyrics. Lol. Like the pepperona song. It's soo catchy; but it's lyrics are nonsense(though I have to admit, I love me some pepperoni XD). Same thing with some of the catchy pop songs nowadays. Some of them literally are just bedroom talk, put to a catchy tune. The song I used in the title is another example. It's crazy catchy but the lyrics are just basically pick up lines. Lol. Not that it's bad, but my favorite songs are the ones with a good melody + meaningful lyrics. But you know, everyone can't be a winner. :O

2. Uno. Battleship. Legos. Pop ups. Recorders. Harmonicas. Stickers. Blow up balls/bats. Nerf guns. Mini golf Styrofoam kit. Launch across. Yu-gi-Oh/Pokemon/Maplestory cards. Dominoes. Lol, the song for this post should have been Fall Out Boy's "Thanks for the Memories~". I just had an intense 20 game of launch across and basketball launch across and lol it was about 16 to 4. Lol, In the 20th game, I thought about letting the kid win, since you know I kind of totally destroyed him, but my inner glee took over, and I kind of feel bad now. He was sulking and then is taking a nap now. I used to let him win when we were kids, so he wouldn't get mad, but for some reason I thought he'd be able to handle losing...I was wrong. Soooo wrong. Lol. But it was fun. I haven't laughed with my brother this much in a while. XD My throat seriously hurts from literally rolling on the floor laughing!!! :D

3. Parents. And their seemingly unending affection for their children. Yesterday when I was cleaning things out, I found a PS2 in my brother's closet, and so we plugged it up and turned it on, but only the green light showed and the fan worked, but the tv just kept saying no signal and the eject button wouldn't turn on let alone eject. Lol, so what do I do? I take out my handy dandy screwdriver and penlight and start unscrewing stuff with the help of youtube and my little brother. Lol. Turns out there was a loose screw inside. I shook the PS2 and it fell out. Then I was almost done unscrewing everything when there was this one stubborn screw near the fan that would just not unscrew. It was irritating. I swear we spent 30 minutes trying to unscrew it. Lol. So then we just looked at each other and gave up.(Lol, seriously spent about 4 hours on the thing and then we just gave up :-?) Screwed everything back in and then plugged it up and turned it on again. Lol, but this time, the what's suppose to be green light just stayed red and the fan never turned on, and well turns out I broke it even further!!!! I was talking with my mom and turns out that PS2 was struck by lightening. O.O Enough said.

4. Apples. Manzanas. Sagwa. Are a heck of a lot sweeter than I thought they were, and you know what they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away!! Lol, saw this thing on instagram where a girl is teleporting this apple and a doctor is screaming: "Keep it away!!!" Lol. If only. :O)

5. Umbrellas. Aren't they adorable? Lol. I carried one when I went walking today because the weather was looking shady and it's seriously so fun!! I can use it as a cane, this is sooo fun! Or on my last lap, I carried it around like a gun on my shoulder, you know how guys do it in the army? Like that. It was always my dream to join ROTC, but I could never do a push up. My poor nooodly arms...one day, one day they'll be able to boast completing a push up...or a pull up. Either one is good. :) (*^▽^*)


Water count:1.5...urk. I think I'm not doing so well, bc I know what happens when I drink so much water. I pee. A lot. So much that I wonder how people who drink a lot of water do it. I seriously had to get up and pee every 15 minutes. I didn't even drink as much water as I peed? What? Lol, but I'll keep trying to get the 8 cup daily recommended.

Math problem:
Addition: 32! Woo, that was a close one! But new high score!!!
Subtraction: 3...well, working on it/!!
Multiplication: 7...still good!
Division:0...they were hard today and I'm feeling sleepy~
Mixed Ops: 6; my eyelids are getting heavier and heavier~

...don't judge me, but that fudge cake I made along with the 12 cupcakes...I devoured 1/2 of the cake and 6 of the cupcakes. :X It was soooooooo~ good! I think my greatest creation!! (´∇ﾉ｀*)ノ Shh, don't tell though. The cake is MINE!!! Mwahahsahdhhah. Seriously, so delicious!!! <3,l

You watch me bleed until I can't breathe Shaking, falling onto my knees ♫

And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches

aH. So catchy~ヽ(*ﾟｰﾟ*)ﾉ

Gratitude:
1. ...I think I said the internet already, but still. Totally grateful for it because how else would I know how to bake a cake with sparse ingredients. I say bake, bc it's baking rn and I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. O.o. Hopefully ok, since the recipe is a bit of a deviation. As long as it's sweet and a slight resemblance to cake, I think I'd be ok c eating it...I think. Update in an hour when I'm done with it. Hey Hey hey~~ Lol. It's done cooking. Lol, the recipe said to cook for an hour and 15, but I took it out about 50 minutes, bc I don't like it to be too dry and it tastes delicious!!! Yum. So I was stuck between putting powdered sugar on top or cool whip. I tried both. And cool whip wins hands down. Lol,  but it actually might be better without anything on it. Url link: http://www.food.com/recipe/hersheys-chocolate-syrup-cake-280713; And I didn't use 15 oz, bc I only had 1 1/2 cup of chocolate syrup(so much cheaper than buying cocoa powder) so I added a bag of hot chocolate...lol don't know if that mattered or not. Also at the beginning I didn't read that it said a cup of butter and just chunked a butter in and started mixing. It turned out chunky. Lol, so I had to put it in the microwave and then mix again. Always learning! And it's cool bc the cupcake/cake turned out edible and that's all that matters~~!! :)

2. Ovens. And microwaves. I mean what? Although I am kind of sad I miss out on the whole fire! Fire bad! thing. And you know the ability to roast marshmallows whenever, ovens and microwaves are really, really convenient. We got some smart cookies in the world.

3. When I was shopping for my carpet cleaner, I was digging around for a penny because the total came out to be 2.51 and the guy was all, "don't worry about the penny." What? Lol. It may not mean a lot to other people, but that was seriously nice of him. That's never happened to me before. I mean wouldn't he come up short later when he had to close the register? Hmm, w/e, I thanked the guy and made my merry way home. So I was just thankful for things like that, that can just make the day so much better. XD

4. Garage door openers. These things are amazing. I didn't want to grab my key when I was leaving the house, so I just went to my car and grabbed the garage door opener. Lol, and I used that to get back into the house. Isn't that nice~ :O

5. My brother gave me putty. Lol. It was yellow and squishy. Wasn't that nice that he remembered me? Lol, yes, bc he's a teenager and teenagers are iffy at best, but isn't he sweet? Lol, I'm glad I'm not an only child. It was his last day too, so when he got home he was all:

AHHHHHH~! MY LAST DAY!!! BOOYAH!!! NOW I CAN SLEEP IN AND NO STRESS AND AHHHHH~~!!!! Lol, it was so funny!!

Accomplishments(bc I think it's good to remind myself of the things I've done, even if they're little things.):
1. I walked to the store to buy carpet cleaner. Lol, let me just say these are the best things ever. You just sprinkle them on your carpet, wait a bit(2-5 minutes), and then vacuum it up. It leaves the place smelling fantastic!!! Lol, no I didn't vacuum today, that's for tomorrow. ;) There was only a lavender and vanilla flavor, but I figured that was better than nothing.
2. I've started the cleaning process! It's time to clean, clean, and clean to get ready for when school starts.
3. I lost my box for my rental books. I ripped my room apart trying to find it but, no luck. Man, I was really angry, but I was all, sigh, I have other things to do, so I'll just deal with it later. And guess what? Guess what??? O_O When I walked to the store, the guy was restocking the shelves and lo and behold what was presented before my eyes??? A box that was the perfect size to fit my 2 textbooks(mind you these two things weigh together 18 lbs and can't be held with one hand, so I needed a pretty big box; darn college.). So I got my courage up and asked if I could have it. He was all, sure, why not. I was all yay! Thank you~ Lol, it was a nice turn of events and kind of made my day! :) Lol back to the point. I boxed up and taped the box so all I got to do now is drop them off at the post office before next week, which is when they're due. :)

Water count: 2 cups. Lol. Today was not a water day.  I'll be honest...I really don't like the taste of water. The only time it tastes good is after exercise. I have this mug that I bought from A to Z and it's awesome! It fits exactly 2 cups of water, so I only have to fill it 4 times a day to get my dosage...lol, but wouldn't you know that's the hardest part~!! Lol, I really don't like standing there waiting for the water to fill, but I convince myself to do it by treating it as an exercise. Lol, hey walking to the water cooler will help you get off the couch~ Lol, it works sometimes but most of the time it's just w/e. I really want an 8 cup cup, so I can just fill it once and bam. Once I'm done, I'm done. ヾ｜￣ー￣｜ﾉ

Math problem:
Addition: 29 Woooo! Getting better!!! <3
Subtraction: 5 gawrsh. Breaking the high score is hard...but I'll keep trying. :)
Multiplication: 10! Yes!!! New high score!!! ヾ（*⌒ヮ⌒*）ゞ It's getting easier!!!
Division: 3! Yay, another new high score!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially for division which is so dificil~
Mixed Ops:  13!! Yeah!! today is just breaking scores day!!!♪└|∵|┘♪

Season 6 Episode 5 of The Middle. Axl spoke to me man. Lol. He's right. I had that same thought process. People always tell you what to do and than when college hits, they all leave you alone and you've...just got to figure things out. It is scary. I'm thankful the writer was able to put this fear into a relatable tv show so kids can realize that they're not alone. It's normal to be scared. It's ok to freak out, but don't stay freaked out. Lol. You'll figure things out and don't forget that you can always ask for help. :O :)

♫ This is the clock upon the wall This is the story of us all ♪

Gratitude:

1. So many manga updates!! Thank you translators and uploaders and writers, and just well everybody that works on these mangas!! Thank you!! <3 You guys seriously make my day. Especially since I live here where there aren't mangas so readily available like in other countries. The recent update on Seishun x Kikanjuu has made my day!!! (I love all the characters, they all have their own lovable personality :P)

2. Anime creators. 'specifically the creators of Sakamoto-kun!! (lol, that's not the anime's name, but the main lead's name. He's the coolest. Lol. You'll get it if you watch it.) And then the amazing creator of Inuyasha with her latest anime Kyoukai no Rinne(I think I spelled that right? Hmm it's something similar to Inuyasha, very episodic; but makes me happy nonetheless to watch :D)

3. And then Running man. My dear beloved running man. What would I do without you? Thank you for existing. They seriously always make my day. And are my go to watch shows. Shout out to all of the running man: Yoo Jae Suk; Kim Jong Kook; Lee Kwang Soo; Ha Ha; Ji Suk Jin; Song Ji Hyo; Kang Gary; All of you guys: kamsahamnida. :) :P

4. Um. There was something specific I wanted to say thank you for today...but I can't remember it now that I'm sitting here. Hmmm. What was it? Oh yeah! The lady at the bank! She was splendidly nice. Idk if she'll follow through on what she said she was going to do, but she was very polite and jsut wonderful. I love encountering people who are courteous and willing to help. It makes me so happy bc it reminds me there are people who are nice in the world. Lol, even if they're being paid to be nice :)

5. The rain!!! Lol. I didn't go walking this morning bc it was "raining". Lol. It really wasn't but I had slept at 3 and was going to wake up at 6 to go, and lol thank you bad weather. I did go yesterday though! I went 3 and 1/2 laps; According to my phone I went ~10,000 steps and 5 miles. Lol, I heard the phone wasn't that accurate though, so y'know. Still, it makes me feel accomplished. :) Hopefully I can sleep early today and go tomorrow. Still working on getting healthy!!

6. Lol. What I meant to say wasn't about the lady in the bank. Though I am grateful for her. I meant to brag about direct tv and its recording abilities!! It's so awesome!! I don't remember if it was on this blog but, I raved like crazy about HD television and how that basically opened me up to a new world. But this recording thing. Man. I know we used to do it with VCR's but this is sooo convenient. I love it!! Especially bc sometimes there's nothing to watch and I can just go watch all my movies I recorded. P.S. Yes, most of them are cartoon/disney/pixar movies. I'll never grow up!! Even if I do grow old!! XD

Lol. So I've been busy watching anime, reading manga, and catching up on my korean shows, so lol yesterday was kind of a catch up day. You don't understand!! I've been constantly reading just school books, and now's my chance to catch up on my reading! Yes, I'mma nerd. But who cares! They all make me so happy!!! ^.^~ 

Water count:5.5...urk. It's so much water. And I have to pee so much! Lol. I've seriously never peed this much in my life. Yesterday I was able to do 6 cups, but haven't been able to drink past 6. Maybe if I started drinking earlier...lol, and yes this is still water. 

Math problem:

Addition: 30 (yesh! new high score!!)

Subtraction: 3 (it's sooo hard!!)

Multiplication: 4 (lol, I can't remember what my old one was...)

Division:1 (haha! I got one right!! Yeah! I'm improving!!! XD)

Mixed Ops: 0; lol I almost got one right...but I spazzed. That's ok. Tomorrow is another day!! I will try again!!

Oh! I remember now! I've been having these weird, WEIRD, dreams. And well one was yesterdays: I was a part of the Cheetah Girls. Lol. And it turned out that they had got back together but they kicked me out. And there was something about Raven(oops, I don't remember her name when she was in the cheetah girls), but she betrayed me, and anyways, that's not the cool thing about this dream. Raven was showing me pictures of her and the Cheetah girls and the dream turned HD!! WHAT??? Everything was crazy clear. It was like watching a movie in HD. I've never had a dream that was so crystal clear! And it was in color, because I remember the brillant yellow and orange of the flowers in the background, and gah! Isn't that amazing? There was also a part where I met my old Woodshop teacher and left my notebook in his class, but when I went back to get it, it wasn't there? So I was in a panic about trying to find it and urg, I woke up panicking that I had left my notebook in his class, and when I woke up, it was just...oh, it was just a dream. LOl.

And the one last night was about that guy in that korean drama greatest love and I forget what he was saying but one of the things was "sprinkle" and I wish I could put an audio recording, bc the way he said it was so...hilarious :P. The sprinkle was about rain I think. There was also another part about the dream, but now that I'm concentrating, I can't seem to recall it. I should have wrote it down. Lol. I wonder if I'll have another weird dream today or not. I want to sleep early. And you know go in the morning walking, but at this point, who knows, right? Lol. 

♪ My head's spinning around I can't see clear no more What are you waiting for? ♬

So, positivity(lol, it keeps putting a red line under positivity...do you not recognize me when I'm being positive internet? lol) journal not really working out. Lol, like I said, it started turning into more of a ranting journal..so I'm gonna switch lanes for a bit.

Since it's summer, gonna go for a longer journal. And a more structured one. Because no matter how much I try to deny it, I like things to be organized(lol, no matter what my room says). So I'm going to do numbers. And I'm going to do...3? I think journals.and I'll probably switch back to the other one when school comes back bc it's shorter, but who knows, I might stick with this or scrap it and start all anew again, with life, who knows, right? :O :P

Gratitude:
1. Lol. My brother lost his water bottle. He put it next to the Sriracha bottle on the side. He looked everywhere for it. I'm not letting him live it down, since he's always commenting about me losing the remote. Lol especially the time where I left it in the refrigerator. And the freezer another time. Lol. DON'T JUDGE ME! XD So thank you little brother for giving me a laugh..lol, and something to hold over on you!! :P
2. I thought it was going to be chilly when I went outside for a walk today, but it turns out it was actually the perfect amount of chill to combat the sweat I accumulated(lol, sorry, tmi, but yes fast walking does cause sweat to show, at least for people like me :P).
3. Authors. From all around the world for letting me experience wonderful adventures from the comforts of my own house, but most importantly for inspiring me to write my own adventures! Lol, if I can finally finish a story, I'd really like to post it on here...or at fanfiction.com. Lol. Most of my stories are fanfiction(lol, the best invention ever because it means the story doesn't ever have to end!!), but I do have a couple that are based on my own characters.
4. Thank you for whoever invented the internet. Seriously. It's hard to remember the times without it. Lol, though I didn't have it as a child, I've grown too accustomed to it now.
5. My aunts who live close to me. Literally. My aunt and uncle live right next door. And my other aunt lives down 2 streets. It's nice having family closeby. :)

lol, I was going to start low at you know the magic number of 3, but I figure I might as well aim high(lol, what is this, is this positivity rubbing off on me? Was it totally not worthless? :)). And then I'll adjust it as I go on.

Water count: lol water count? What could that mean? No this is not the amount of water ballons I will be tossing at people. Nor is it the amount of raindrops that have fallen. This is of course the long awaited, me, trying to accommodate the daily ritual of 8 cups of water a day. Le gasp. 8 cups? 8 CUPS when you don't even drink 1 cup most days? Lol. Yes. This is actually a really big thing. I don't drink water, and I should. Lol, there goes my brain commenting unnecessarily again with "well there are lots of things you should do, aren't there?" So brain(if you're so smart, why don't you start memorizing things instead of making naggy comments about my life? Lol, every time I use the word nag, that song made by Cosmo, about Wanda plays in my head("nag it to the right. nag it to the left. nag it all day and night~" Lol, something like that.): 6 cups. Lol. didn't make my goal on the first day, but that's ok. Tomorrow's another day! :D

Math problems (lol, don't laugh! Even though I'm smiling while I write this. I know how to add and substract and lol this is not for a college course or anything. I just want to be able to do mental math. This is something that I've been sporadically working on, but since it's summer and I have a lot of time on my hands, I'm going to give it a go again. By mental math I do mean adding and subtracting 3+ greater numbers without having to write it out. But most of all, I want to be able to multiply big numbers in my head. I think people who can do that are just swell. Lol. I love that word. People should use it more; but I used it once and the other person laughed 'cause they thought I was being sarcastic. I wasn't. Boo. :'( Lol. It's ok. At least, I know what I meant.:): Actually I forgot I had a mental math app(lol, it's literally called Mental Math)  so I'll just post the high scores for each one and try to beat them each day and if I don't that's ok too, bc practice is better than not not practice! :D:
Addition: 23
Subtraction: 5 lol gotta work on this, that's so bad!!
Multiplication: 2 lol, looks like my subtraction is better than my multiplication! Lol, at least I got 2 right. :P
Division: 0; lol, it's getting progressively worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then again, I never learned how to divide 4 digit numbers by 2 digit numbers...at least not mentally, but just imagining how cool it would be to be able to do this in my head in the future, is encouraging, me to keep trying, so I will!!!
Mixed Ops: 6!!! Lol, I got one of the division ones right!!!!!! Yippee! And I got lucky bc most of those were addition. Hehe.

...in my defense, I did this on hard...:( :O XD Lol. But seriously, I'll get better!!! >:D
And this also is a good baseline.


I wonder if I'm being too ambitious?. Lol. It's ok. Being ambitious is better than having no plan at all. I think. Lol. Sorry too much commentary today. But since it's yet another beginning. Well, hopefully this will be able to last for a while. But I'm not sure. I just want to try something so that by the end of this summer I'll be at least a bit of a better person. Whether it be a bit smarter, a bit more positive, or a bit more compassionate. Hopefully not worse. Lol.

Try and turn the tables I wish you'd unclench your fists And unpack your suitcase Lately there's been too much of this But don't think it's too late ♫

I PASSSEDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHHA, TAKE THAT 3RD SEMESTER!!!!!!!! Take that stupid stereotypes where you have to be part of the in crowd to pass! IN YOUR FREAKING FACEs! THIS IS FOR ALL THE OUTCASTS, AND MISFITS, AND THOSE THAT JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIT IN OUT THERE!!! I PASSSSSEEEEDDDDD!!!! "YOU HAVE TO HAVE A STUDY GROUP OR ELSE YOU'LL FAIL" MY BUTT!!! IT JUST TAKES SOME HARD CORE EFFORT, AND PRAYER, AND BAM! bAM! BAMMM!!! HahahahahahA!!!!

Gosh, I can finally breathe again!!!!!!...lol shut up part of my brain that's whispering "for now." I'll get to it when I get to it. Dang party pooper won't even let me enjoy my fruits of labor.

I was gonna put an ascii picture of a person doing a victory dance, but 1) I am no artist my dear, and 2) I can't find one on the internet lol.

So instead, here's an ascii art of a bunny, just bc bunnies:

(\__/)
(='.'=) 
(")_(")   and then another just bc, you know bunny.  ::: (\_(\
                                                                                   *: (=’ :’) :*
                                                                                   •.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`» 

Lol. Aren't they sweet? Positive:
I got the results for my test yesterday afternoon. Lol, I kept checking online to see if she posted the score. It was driving me nuts. But since, I seriously stayed up to 3 in the morning studying, I passed out about 9 last night. Lol, earliest I've slept in a while.

Man, that was hardcore studying though, I even did the whole, record yourself and then play it while you sleep thing. Idk if it worked, since I didn't dream about anything that was in my notes, but it did help to listen to it when I was paying attention. Lol I would get to listen to the first 10 minutes, and then I passed out.

Accomplishment:
I did some things I've been meaning to get done. Fixed my social security card problem. Used all the money on my school card. Lol, and yesterday I started the process of cleaning. Got to get rid of this semester's accumulated trash.

I thought about keeping it since I'm a perpetual hoarder, but I don't want too much luggage.

Aha! When I got my results yesterday I was in my room and I JUMPED ON MY BED OUT OF JOY. IT WAS AWESOME!! lOL, until I heard a crack. Lol. People like me probably shouldn't jump on a bed. Lol. It was fun and reminded me of the trampoline we used to have. I would have jumped more, if I wasn't so afraid the bed was going to break. But it was fun, and something I've never done before, but now I see why people do it. It makes me want to get a bed that I could jump on...lol or just get a trampoline.

Looking forward to:
SUMMMMMMMMMMER!!! IT'S FINALLY HERE!!! TODAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF FINALS!!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow is the weekend, but you know what, for the next 3 months, it'll be a weekend!! insert evil cackle!! Man, I'm gonna miss summer.

Not to be a bummer, but this is legit going to be my last summer ever. Next year by this time, I should either be in a job...or lol, there's really no other alternative. I have to have a job by then, bc I'll be done with school!!!!!!!! Gah!!! 1 more year, and I'll be done with college!!!!!!! That means, lol, I'll finally be getting on with my adult life! No~ Lol. Yes? Idk.

The frick? What the heck is wrong with her? I give respect to those who give me respect. If you're going to talk to me with an attitude, you're going to be getting attitude back. And if that makes me a brat well then fine. this is going to be my bratty years then. Bc, heck, I was a dang good child. I did everything I was told. Not once did I break the rules. Gosh, I want to move out sooo bad. I can't stand the nagging anymore. Idk if this is moodswings for me or what, but I know, my mom's done a lot for me. Heck she's done everything. But every time she talks, it just irritates me. I've been here way too long. But again, I can't move out until I get a job.  Ugh. I just read what I wrote. I really am a brat. I've calmed down. Lol, I'm watching Aladdin.

And no really. I am a brat. A totally worthless one. Gosh. I need to work on my heart. I am grateful for all she's done. I'm sorry for the rant, mom. Just going through my teenage years...lol even though I'm no longer a teenager.

Man wouldn't it be nice to have a magic carpet? :P Or a genie? Or a pet monkey? Lol. Or a pet tiger? I was going to get a goldfish today, but...even though goldfishes are only 17cents. Turns out to be a suitable living space for them is about 300 bucks. Lol. What? I mean, turns out they're suppose to grow to be a feet long...and my little goldfish bowl...lol, would be too cramped for it. So, tis for another day.

I'm on a disney marathon.

And I promised my brother a couple weeks ago, that since it's summer that I would go walking. Lol. 3 hours in the morning. And then 1 hour in the afternoon.

Bro. Dude. This is not cool. I weighed myself and I've gained about 10 lbs since I started college. Stupid stress eating. Hopefully I'll be satisfied with my weight by the end of this summer. And Lol, I wrote promise. But I meant bet. I don't remember the amount he either said 50 or 100 dollars. We never actually pay each other, but it's fun to pick an amount.

Lol. Haven't you ever thought that it would be fun to live in a place with princes and maids and? Lol a chance to fall in love with a different social class? Man, time travel. Man disney makes it look so fun.

Lol. "I didn't expect you to answer!!" Talking animals too. Lol, wait no. Yeah? Would that mean I'd have to be vegetarian? IDK. I don't want to think about this.

I got to get my act together. This summer will be meaningful. >:D

Gah!! See, dreams do come true!!!!Or rather, hard work does pay off!! :O XD

♪ I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go. And help us to be wise in times when we don't know Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace To a place where we'll be safe

God.
Please. Tomorrow. Let tomorrow go well. Please. Please let me remember the things I need to remember. Please, please, I really want to pass. This is going to be my constant prayer until tomorrow is over. Please God let me remember the stuff I studied. Please let this not be ridiculously hard. Please, God. Let me make it through tomorrow in one piece. Please let me make it through Thursday...please...don't let the final be hard. I heard it is and that's why I'm studying, but...my brain feels like it's falling out. I can't believe I did this to myself. I should have done better earlier instead of scraping by on that last last test. I do this to myself every semester and please, let this be my last struggling one. He even gave us the reading assignments for next semester so I can get a head start. And please, please, I really don't want to be the only one that fails, God. Please. God. Please. I can't. I know, that this is pretty dependent on myself, but...I can't help it. When things get rough, I go to you. And while I know that isn't always good, bc things are according to Your will. Well. I feel better knowing that you haven't let go. Sorry. Sorry. Thank you. And Sorry. Sorry God. And Thank you again.

(-‿◦) ☼ ❊ ♫ This is my fight song Take back my life song Prove I'm alright song

~And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me~

Positive:

chu chu chu.

This is probably the most important part bc I should never, ever forget the little things in life. I have many, many things to be grateful for. And I should dwell on those, instead of what I don't have. 

The harshest critic, I think, is myself. I expect a lot from myself. I expect myself to be the smartest one, the most attractive one, the most liked one...but...I should look at things from others views to. 

To my mom: I'm the most beautiful child in the world. The smartest.  

Lol. I'm not bragging I swear. It's just I get into moods when I look at pictures or those reflective moments where I compare myself to others and it's just...DON'T. Why do that? It doesn't do anything but bring myself down and if I do bring myself up, it's only by bashing on other people. 

It's just. I'm grateful for today. Bc I forget it a lot. But at least there's one person in the world, who thinks the world of me. I'm grateful that I mean something to someone. 

Accomplished:

Looking forward to:

I thought I needed someone who would be forceful. By that I mean uninhibited and just straight up pursues me...but that's not my style. I don't like that. It makes me feel attacked. You know like an animal you can't just start by picking it up and squeezing it and hugging it and start loving on it. No. No bro. No. You got to take your time developing a bond with it. And then you can start to casually, gently, approach. Lol. yes. That's what I need. To be cautiously approached. Then once deemed safe, and no longer a stranger, then I may start to open up more. Or something like that. Don't attack me. Don't just relentlessly push your friendship onto me. While friends are nice...I'm not quite sure how to deal with you.

Looking forward to:
getting stuff done. It's starting to wind down. Got to get all my affairs into order.

And I... am feeling so small It was over my head I know nothing at all ♬

Positive:
Hehe. Well. Today worked out as it was intended to work out.

I even went on a 40 minute walk after this 12 hour day. Lol. I just woke up. I got home at 7. Walked. Showered. And then passed out until now....11 at night.

My sleeping schedule is screwed but oh well. I got through today. I got through today. I got through today!! Lol. If this was a show you could see me grooving. My hips are moving~LOl. :) I actually am not a fan of that song, but the melody is so catchy. My body moves before my brain can say, nooooo(or like lee kwang soo andwaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! lol).

Accomplishmnet:
I survived! I survived! Lol. That's one goal met. One finishing line passed. Got 1 more to go!! 1 more!! 1 more socialization event in my repertoire. Watch out world...I might actually one day, become socially competent. Hah! Lol. Don't write me off yet! But, lol, don't make me your biggest target ok? Don't mark me as the strongest enemy and barrage me with misfortune huh? Please. Lol.

I sent the emails I had to send. Got the replies I wanted to see. Lol. It's weird to see things working out this way...??? Lol so unfamiliar.

People who are waitresses and waiters are amazing. He memorized our orders. That's a wonderful gift. At least I think so. There were 8 of us. I can barely remember my families birthdays, but these guys, wow. Work with what your mama gave you. er. or daddy gave you? or lol, what you were just naturally born with? Hehe.

Ack. I just want to scream. In a good but confused way? God is seriously someone whose plan I'll never figure out. But one thing that He constantly keeps reminding me of is that, I know nothing at all~ But, if I just lean on Him, everything tends to work out. Not in the way I planned, lol never in the way I planned actually, but well that's probably asking for too much anyways. Urk. I just got an email from att. And I'm a bit worried about this company guys. It feels like I'm always getting charged for something else or another...when I clearly asked if I would be charged...urk. Please let everything be right...if not, I really might cry, bc I'm getting sick of having to go and explain and ask when it should really be as simple as you give me bill, i pay bill.

Not this game of you give me bill, i look at bill, see charges that make no sense, i go talk to you, you go talk to another person, that person talks to another person, and then i just get charged with a late fee trying to figure everything out. so really what you guys are telling me is that i should just turn my head against these hidden charges or else i'll end up paying even more? BS. I wish I didn't have to have a cellphone to live in this era. Hm, but i don't think i could function in modern society w/o one, unfortunately. Not that I use mine that much, but it is handy for emergencies. I just wish...we didn't have to get charged for it. We really do find ways to make money about everything.

I'm just waiting for the day they charge us for air...lol but we humans are adaptive...what if we learned how to breathe underwater then? That would be kind of cool actually. Then I could even learn how to swim. :) 2 birds. One shot. Kapow.

Looking forward to:
Tomorrow is the weekend!!!!!!!!!! I'm almost home free!!!!!!! 1 more week. 1 more week. 1 more weeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

♪ （/｡＼) Everybody's got a dark side Do you love me? Can you love mine? ♪ (✿´‿`)

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it~

Lol. This is sometimes why I wonder if I have different people living inside of me. It was dark yesterday. Really dark. Lol and I'm not talking about the weather. The weather was actually really pretty yesterday. And I honestly don't like that part of me, but everyone's got a dark side. Even those people who seem like they got their lives together and are just perfect looking. They all got their bad days, and its ok. The thing, is you don't stay down. You don't...just give up. Even though that seems like it's the easiest thing to do...it's not. 

That part of me that's screaming at me, so loud it seems to permeate every single part of me:

"You're worthless."

"You're wasting your life away?"

"Who do you think you are?"

"You'll never be happy."

"No, one will ever want you."

"You're ugly."

"You're stupid."

"You're fat."

If someone tells you something long enough, even if that someone is yourself,...you start to believe them. 

Well in retaliation. The good part of me. The one that's small and cowers in the corner under these insults. That part of me is growing. And instead of listening to these insults, instead of being swayed in the east wind, it's time to retaliate:

"I'm working on it."

"One day at a time."

"I am happy. But I can also be sad, and mad without turning into a person that's solely, unhappy. "

"I don't have to know everything, or even who I am right now, right this minute. It's a process. A long one. I am a work in progress...and that's ok."

"I have family. So what the heck you mean, no one wants me? We can be hateful. We can be mean. We can be angry with each other. But at the end of the day. We're family, and to me, and to them, that means we'll always want each other...no matter what."

"Lol. I'm pretty sure that part of my brain was talking about love. Not of the family kind. But in that aspect. Being married. Dating. Finding "The One." It's not everything. It shouldn't have to be. And que sera, sera. Being in love doesn't equate to being happy."

"It's not a waste. Each day. Each breathe I take. I'm making the choice to continue on living. And that in itself, may not seem big to some people, but it's EVERYTHING. So don't you tell me my life is a waste. So I'm not saving the world. Or being a "productive and normal" member of society. I'm doing what makes me happy. It's a struggle, but that struggle is what makes the end result even more precious." 

"...if you have to take a hit at my appearance, you're running out of insults brain. I know I'm not beautiful. At least not the normal standard of beautiful. And no matter what anyone says, I do know that appearance does matter. I'm also not claiming to be the smartest person, or even an intellectual person. I'm not even average weight. I'm on the border of obesity. Fat. Stupid. Ugly. No. When I look in the mirror, I'm not gonna say those things to myself. I'm not going to degrade how I look. I have eyes that get to see the world. And in case you didn't get it, I'm lucky enough to have 2 of them, so I have a good depth perception and peripheral vision. I have a nose that lets me smell all the creations that not only God has made, but what all of his creatures have created. I have lips and a mouth that I'm actually really proud of. They're not the typical pink or red or any other "attractive" adjective people give to lips. They're my father's lips. They're a physical manifestation of our genetic link. But my most favorite thing about my lips is when they smile. When they laugh. Because laughing and smiling is one of the greatest joys anyone could have in life. I don't do it enough, but I'm not gonna lie, my face lights up when I smile. :) I have skin that's blemished and unblemished and scarred and damaged and healed and it's like a record of my time on this world; and that's wonderful. So no. I'm not fat. I'm not ugly. I'm not beautiful. I'm not skinny. I'm not stupid. I'm not smart. I use to wish...just wish all the time when I was little to be these adjectives...but what? I read something somewhere and it sums up what I'm trying to say pretty much: What I want to be: happy. That's it. And actually that choice is up to me. No matter what anyone says. It's up to me." 

Positive:

I had no class today! 

I'm not hating on myself today. Lol. Yes. Today is a lovable day. 

Lol. And I think I'm going to email them tomorrow. I don't want to just leave it as is. I want to at least try. But I think I want to do it tomorrow bc my courage is at its peak when I'm amongst strangers. It's not recognizing the word amongst. Did I spell that wrong? I don't think so...

I have so many plans once I'm done with finals. What am I going to do??????? Lol. I want to finish my stories. I want to draw things. I want to knit things. I want to cook things. I want to run. I want to walk. I want to see people I haven't seen in a while. I want to talk to people I haven't talked to in a while. I want to read. I want to find someone that'll teach me how to swim. I want to...get my summer started!!!!! Lol. 

I live a simple life. Lol. I wonder if it'll always stay like this? Hm. We'll see. 

Accomplishment:

Guys. Guys! Guess what? My wall is really weird looking. It's bumpy. Lol. Not like a normal wall. I also love pillows. Wait. I have a point. So I have this pillow that's cylindrical and about as long as my bed, but it has a zippered pillowcase since the shape is so weird. And so, the zippered part scraped against my wall(my bed is aligned right next to the wall). So now where ever the zipper scraped there's these random white spots. It's not even just one or two. It's about a hundred white bumpy spot in just that portion of my wall. 

So I was looking at it. Lol. While reading my manga. And thinking that that was just not boding well with me. So the artistic part of me searched for markers and started filling in the dots. Lol. It doesn't look half bad. But I'm deciding between whether I want a green/red scheme or rainbow scheme. I'm thinking just the two color one...hmm, but I wonder why I never thought about this before? 

Looking forward to:

Tomorrow will be my last 12 hour day for this semester!! Squee. That's amazing! And a great load off of my shoulders. It's going to be a tough day tomorrow. But that's ok. Once it's over the relief is going to be amazing!! ^.^ I'm also going to take some of my notes and plan to make tomorrow a productive day. I'm going to do something instead of just complaining. It's my life. And I don't care how many beginning's or changes I have to make. I may never get this right, but I'm not going to stop trying. Not yet. :P 

I really like making things. But is it weird if I just give it to random people? Lol. Idk. I would be happy to just send birthday cards to people. Homemade birthday cards. Because I like doing that. But lol. I can't just send cards to random people...can I? Lol. Well it wouldn't be a birthday card...bc I don't know their birthdays...maybe I could just send, random cards to people. Idk. That actually sounds fun. LOl. 

It's hard to know

What can become

If you give up

So don't give up on me~

I'm tired of being what you want me to be Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface I don't know what you're expecting of me ♫

Every step that I take is another mistake to you~

Become so tired, so much more aware

I'm becoming this, all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

jk. lol. don't worry. it's fine. I'm fine. no. not jk. not lol. These last two weeks are unraveling any and all positive thoughts I have ever had. I can't see the silver lining anymore. I've posted so much negativity on my twitter, it might as well be a black cesspool of despondency. That account has been my sole source of outlet. And~if you don't wanna delve into depressing thoughts that'll probably ruin your day, just stop reading now. Seriously. Even though the format is the same. It's all negative today. Sorry. I just can't do positivity today. I'm drained. 

Positive:

ha. ha. ha. 

What am I even doing with my life?

What have I been doing all these years? 

What is wrong with me? 

And yes, there is something wrong. I'm tired of the lies. No I'm not a beautiful person. I'm not even a good person. I'm not even nice. But I'm not horrible. Either. Worse. I'm in between. You know that comment how people are like well, so and so is mean, but at least we know so and so is mean. That kid(me) is so wishy washy, I don't know where he/she stands. 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO????? HOW DO I BECOME MYSELF? HOW DO I EVEN KNOW WHO I AM? HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS? WHEN DID I BECOME SOMEONE UNFAMILIAR? WHEN DID I START TO LOSE MYSELF?

...is there even a part of me, left? 

Accomplishment:

Who am I?

If I could just figure out the person I wanted to be...then maybe I could take a step forward, but I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And, this complacency, this lack of motivation, lack of action, is what's slowly killing my soul. Hah. or at least what's left of it. 

I want to go back. 

I want to go back to a time when I was happy with just getting to watch television. Happy, just getting to see my cousins. When happiness was more important than this irritating self consciousness that gets me nothing but down. Why do I care what other people think? People are going to hate me no matter what. They're going to talk no matter what? I know this. But why can't I stop caring? 

just do something. Anything. Please. Please move. Please don't keep sitting there. Stop. Please. My hands keep typing, but nothing else is moving. It's like I've already lost. 

I actually had a couple things I had accomplished that I wanted to write about, but...I'll do that tomorrow. Today's going to be downer. Today's going to be dark. Today's going to be...I wish my last day...hah. Don't worry. There are still things I want to do in life. Lots of things. Lots and lots of things before I die. 

Looking forward to: 

I think I did this wrong guys. This is not how a positivity journal is suppose to go. I was suppose to become a happier person. A person who was better able to deal with life and its BS. I was suppose to develop courage to live life how I wanted to live. To not be afraid to talk to other people. To not be afraid to do things. Anything. Anything. I wish I would just move. Just be courageous for one moment. Just...take that step, please. Please. please. Stop standing there like you're chained, when the only thing holding you down is yourself. PLease. 

The thing is that, even though I know this. I freaking know this. But I can't do anything about it. My body won't move. My mouth won't open. My eyes don't make contact. I'm so sorry. So sorry to anyone who's ever met me. I'm so sorry to anyone I've ever talked to. I'm so sorry. It's days like this that remind me why I should never have a child. If my child had the thoughts I was having...it would kill me. No one should have these thoughts. No one should have to feel like their existence was...meaningless. And...I don't want to feel this way. I know it's not true, bc I have family...

Just...

heh. Guess, I should at least end on a positive note. This song, I'm grateful, that even though this depressing feeling is soul sucking, it's better than being numb. I'd rather feel miserable like I am now, than not to feel anything at all. Lol. At least I think so. I still have fight in me, so even though my heart and soul and mind are all telling me to throw in the towel...I can't just yet. Not yet. Not yet. The world still has color. I still find the sky beautiful and the wind refreshing. I just wish there was a manual on how I'm suppose to live life. I'm a good direction follower. I'm not a leader. I don't know how to lead my life. I'm sorry. For everything. 

I don't want to write anymore. I may not be back for a couple days...or weeks. Idk. I need a break since this isn't going well. Maybe, I have to do a new beginning again...I wish I was able to do something that lasted for once in my life...

So I bare my skin And I count my sins And I close my eyes And I take it in ♪

Idk what is wrong with me today but since about 30 minutes into my 8 o'clock class I started feeling nauseous. I thought it was bc I was hungry. So when I went to eat at 11 I thought the nausea would go away but it didn't and irk my stomach just feels awful. :( I imagine this is similar to morning sickness except I'm not vomiting. Or at least I'm trying not to. Idk how much longer I'm going to last. I still have to present and I have a test and a picture and 2 more classes. And...hey maybe it's bc I only got 4 hours of sleep? I was planning to take a nap like I usually do after lunch, but I had to study today. Maybe the change is messing up my equilibrium. But that might not be all that is. I don't think that that is all though. I wish I could finish this presentation soon.

I'm starting to talk gibberish...

Positive+Accomplishment:
Got presentation done. Finished with one of my finals. Took 2 of my tests. Man, wait a minute this could go under accomplishment. Screw it, I'm combining the two today. Took a shower.

Looking forward to:
Shopping for graduation present tomorrow. Idk if they're even out yet, but we'll see.

Isn't it sad when some relationships end? I mean we weren't close, but it's already about to be over? IDK. just trying to get my life together.

I think I'm gonna get a fish. I wanna get a fish. But I'm suppose to go to Canada this summer. Can I bring my fish with me then? Would it survive such a journey? I don't have friends to give my fish to, and the only people that I know have cats/dogs so the fish might die. I don't want my fish to die. I wish I knew how to take care of a fish. I would love my fish. He would be my fishy. I would name him fishy. Isn't that a nice name?

I should study. FINALS~~~ FINALS~~~~ No that's not a ghost. It's my soul screaming for mercy.

I feel dirty. In body and feelings. Not dirty perverted feelings. But dirty like bad dirty. Like I did something wrong...but not sure what I did wrong. I'm sorry.

I bet I do a lot of things wrong. I'm just not quick enough to catch my insults. I really don't mean to. At least I don't think I do. Once again, I'm sorry. Not that you're reading this, whoever I've insulted...or maybe you are? Lol. One last time, I'm sorry. That sounds sarcastic. Can writing sound sarcastic? I was being sincere. Really. It stills sounds...er looks sarcastic. . Let's just conclude with I'm a bad person and I should spend summer bettering myself.

I need to drink the rest of this milk. It's in a really big cup. Like a teacup. You know those things you spin on at the amusement park? But smaller? Lol. That'd be cool to have at home though I don't like being dizzy. It'd just be a cool chair. Hahaha, I could put milk in it and have a GIANT teacup of milk. Or coffee. I bet I'd be razzed for days.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. What to do. What to do. (┐΄✹ਊ✹)┐ Urk. That pit in my stomach isn't going away. I feel like I did something bad...:(

Burp. I finished it. My stomach feels like it's colliding with my heart. It's too full!! But I definitely :) like warm milk better than cold milk. Just something about it.

Hahaha, did I even write anything significant today? Probably not. I'm torn between revealing too much about my life and not enough. It would be scary if somebody I knew found this. I should make things less obvious huh? Idk what I'm talking about anymore. G'night then the other billions of people in the world. May your life be working out better than mine, and if not...you can join my milk party! Or fish party? Or chocolate party? Or we can just sit together and do stuff that normal people do. Lol. IDK what that is. Aw. I was planning to stop writing, but my fingers won't stop.

Seriously. Good night. I got to sleep. The sheeps are calling~ Lol. it doesn't recognize sheeps as a correctly spelled word. Haha, had to ask my brother if I spelled that right. I DID! I knew I knew how to spell. ╭( ･ㅂ･)و ̑̑ ＂