Thursday, June 29, 2017

When you have something precious you must protect But you can only stand rooted to the ground, not knowing what to do ♬

I said I would write a post if I passed my NCLEX. And well, guys? Guess who passed? This punk right here~ lol. by the hand of God, I was able to pass. Lol, and the only way that I realized I passed was because I got a call from an employer.

I had actually been waiting for the report you get back the CPR report for when you fail. I read somewhere you get it like a week after you failed. So that whole week I was basically dead. No seriously. After the test. I sat in my car and cried. Drove home and cried. Oh, went into chick fil a with giant puffy eyes to order some chicken for my family. That was the saddest chicken I ever ate. I regret not being able to enjoy it to its fullest value. Basically just went into my room, closed the blinds and tried to sleep since that night actually I didn't sleep until like 6 in the morning! And my test was at 8! lol, so I got like 30 min-1 hour of sleep before I dragged my butt out of bed and went to take that exam. Man, it was killer.

Anyways, then when it was dinner time, I went to eat with my family and then while eating I just kind of lost it. I literally sat there and blubbered to my mom saying that I was a failure. That I would have to pay an extra 200 to take the exam again and an extra 400 for a review bc obviously I didn't prepare myself the first time. My mom, bless her heart, was all, it's fine. Everybody fails. You can't win at everything. And so what if you failed? Take a break, gather yourself, and then try again. You're young. You don't have kids of your own. You have the rest of your life to get a job. Again I say, bless her heart.

Anyways so that whole week went on with me just being a bum. Bumming around. I didn't really eat a lot. Just...kind of laid around and kept saying stuff like oh I hate myself. I'm so stupid. I'm a terrible person. A terrible daughter. That I should have never been born. That I should have died. That I should die. Man I was a depressing ball of meat.

Then fast forward to a couple of days ago. I got the call and guess what I PASSEEDDDDDD HAHAHHAA.

So the routine that I did. It was actually really bad. I graduated May 13. I bummed around the week after because my brother graduated the next week; lol that's the excuse I used. And then the week after that I was all, hey I'm finally done with school I deserve a vacation! haha, those weeks were the nicest weeks of my life. Oh I was also waiting for my ATT too. Bc it takes about 4-6 weeks to get that after graduation.  But then the middle of the week I got a text from a classmate saying that all these people had passed NCLEX from our class and thus started my freakout. I didn't want to be the only way to fail from my class bc I wasn't a smart chickie. I was probably the lowest or second to lowest ranked person in our class. I scrapped by most semesters with just barely enough to pass. Sometimes I got what was just needed to pass. Those classes were OB/PEDs and pharm; these are the devil! My bad that I've never had a baby. My bad that I'm not a mum. My bad that my family doesn't believe in taking medicine. Experience really does matter fellows.

That night I ordered UWORLD for 30 days bc I'm pretty much poor with no job and didn't want to waste 400 for a review that had mixed reviews about it; also there wasn't a live event in my area for another month and that would have been too late. The next day I went to school with the 35 page study guide that's going around? and also the hesi study guide that was on allnurses and mark klimek quizlet and la charity book. I basically tried to memorize those 3 things and tried doing about a chapter or 2 of the la charity book a day. But realized after spending about that whole week with about 4-6 hours a day that I was getting nowhere and nowhere fast. There was too much information. There was no way that I could memorize it all. So I scraped it all and just focused on Uworld and la charity. I was able to get to ch. 18 of lacharity. And there was about 400 questions left on Uworld. I felt so bad bc I spent money but didn't finish it. My scores were all over the place. I would get 40%-60%. This did not inspire confidence in me. I would read all these posts about people making 80 and 90 and I'm just all...dang. I wish I could transplant my brain.

Anyways so fast forward to 2 days before the test. I had about 1000 questions left. I basically lived and breathed uworld. I'd finish an exam, oh and at this point I gave up on writing out the rationales, I started typing them bc it would give me more time to do more test questions. Those last two days I was a wreck. I did about 5 of those 75 questions test each day. And the night before the test. I wanted to listen to those people. I really wanted to not study and chill but me. I'm a worrier. I worry all day long. I worry about things I shouldn't even have to worry about.

So to appease myself I did more tests and around midnight I took the 2nd assessment. I got about 65%. It said very high chance of passing. I thought BS. I don't even remember half of the answers that I put. No way. So I reviewed that test and then BAM.

The lights cut off. There was a thunderstorm. I figured this was God's way of saying GO TO SLEEP YOU IDIOT.

But like an idiot, I started freaking out. I went around the house with my brother waving a flashlight around and telling him that I was freaking out. Basically just saying that maybe this was a bad omen. Maybe a tornado would come and then I would be dead the next morning so I wouldn't have to take my test. lol I wasted like an hour going around the house with one of those flashlights you strap to your head. Now that I think about it, I really was an idiot.

Lol, then my dad told me to go to bed.

And instead of going to bed like a good and smart kid, I went on my ipad bc luckily it was fully charged and just looked at the document I had made with all the notes I had made on uworld. I read that until like 3 in the morning. then I kind of surfed the web about last minute nclex tips and success and failure stories. then i set the document to read outloud or the speak option and kind of laid there until 6 o clock. Then when the sun was peaking through my window, I squinted my eyes and begged God. God, please let me sleep for just a little bit.

30 minutes. 1 hour. some sleep is better than any sleep!

So God was good and I dozed off until 6:30 where my brother woke me up. Don't you have a test? I'm wake me up at 6:45. and went back to that state between not really sleeping but kind of sleeping? lol and then woke up at 6:45 and while getting dressed and brushing my teeth I looked at the notes again.

I was basically a wreck at this point. I put on my sweatpants and my Mickey mouse shirt. debated between putting my hair up or down and figured with it up, usually my concentration is better but when studying I had it down. I went with it up. (actually regretted this later, bc ponytails give me a headache). I went out to eat breakfast. (which I NEVER do)

But figured since it could be a 6 hour test I should eat SOMETHING. I ate 2 crackers dipped in peanut butter and a cup of water. I was really nauseous with just that. I said to my brother that I was leaving and asked him to wish me luck and went to the site. I got there about 7:20. Talked to some other test takers outside. None of them were taking the NCLEX, but it was nice knowing that we were all pretty anxious and stressed over whatever exam we were taking.

Most important thing I found in common was that we were all praying to God about it. I wished them luck. They wished me luck. I went in. Messed up the weird palm scan thingy. Realized there was a document showing how to do it. Felt embarrassed, but still more stressed out about the test. Went in. Asked for ear plugs bc the last test I took I wore them and aced the exam; I was hoping for a similar result.



I started.

Oh wait. No I didn't. Before I started anything. I clasped my hands together, closed my eyes, and prayed. I prayed for like a solid minute or 2. Then I started.

There was a tutorial on how to do it and the different format questions. I did that and I could feel the lack of sleep hitting me. I was starting to get a headache on the right side of my head. And I was starting to cough from the peanut butter. I tried to hold it in bc I knew there were other test takers. But when I would cough bc I was wearing headphones it would be amplified and it was making my headache worse. lol.

so I get questions and I make sure to hide the time bc I do worse under pressure. but bc I am also a curious question I remember looking over and seeing question 35. That's when I start doing this weird thing where I basically put my head in my hands and contemplate what I'm doing with my life. I may have started bargaining with God and making please and promises, which is a really bad thing to do. Honestly, even if you asked me now I can't even remember what the test questions were. It was all a blur. But I do remember thinking that they should be harder. That there should be more prioritization questions. More select all that apply. And also I was getting questions from every category!

It was ridiculous. I'd get a pharm. then an ob. then a peds. then a math. then a drag and drop. right after another and I'm just all! Stop giving me whiplash! Let me do one category and then move on! I remember having a lot of safety and infection control...which just so happened to be the category that I studied least bc I figured hey PPE, I know that! And that was the only part of the 35 page study guide that I really studied! you know MTV, something SPIDERMAN. SO just a word of warning, make sure you study EVERY category. don't ever assume you get know something. so I looked over at what I assumed was the 75th question and it was 76th question.

At this point the sun is rising up and I was sitting near a window seat and even though the window was closed there was this stupid crack that landed right on my face. It was irritating. Once I tried to keep my calm...

PANIC MODE ON!!! I had heard about all these people passing at 75 questions! I went pass. Then I remembered something somebody said.


So I clutched the right side of my headache, feeling the ear plugs more than I ever had and concentrated. My eyes, those stupid things, would roll over to the question number every few questions.

I had hit 85.

I WAS DYING. I wanted to be done. Each question I second guessed myself. I didn't even remember any strategies. The whole time all I could think was:

God, if I was meant to pass this test, then okay. If not, I'll do it again. In your hands now Lord.

I answered a couple more questions. And then I think around 90 something the computer just shut off and I had to clap a hand over my mouth to stop the startled yelp. It was so surprising I almost started to cry (see kids, this is why you need 8 hours of sleep). I kind of just stared at the stupid window seat I was at for a couple minutes. I cursed my school for not better preparing me for the test. I cursed myself for not investing in a more expensive review. Then I raised my hand and thanked the ladies even wishing they had a good day all the while dying inside.

And back to the the beginning of this post. Sat in my car and cried. Mostly bc I knew I got that last question wrong. I googled some other questions that I knew I got wrong, and just like I thought I had gotten them wrong. And they weren't even hard questions!!! They were things I thought I knew, but when I went into that test, it was like my mind went blank and my soul flew out that stupid window.

But here I am. After a depressing week and probably self-torture. I should have just ended it by looking on the BON website for my name, but I was too chicken. Lol. W/e. Alls well that ends well.

And that is my story of how I...not slayed the beast, not even rode it into the sunset, but instead snuck past its legs while it was sleeping. Bc, dang. All I can say is, thank you God.

Now that that post is over. I wanted to ask God for help with my doctor's appointment. I'm not sure what's going to happen or what's going to be said, but we're about to go over results. Usually they don't call you in for good news, so I'm going to assume, it's bad. But like someone once told me, it's better to know than to not know. God help me, please. No matter the outcome, help me to live out your will.

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