Thursday, March 31, 2016

・*・:≡( ε:) He said each day's a gift and not a given right Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind ♬

...that moment when your brother says a curse word and you can't look at them the same bc you always thought he was so innocent...:((((( I'm not stupid, I've seen the websites he's been on and every other word is a cuss word...but...。゜゜(´O`)°゜。. I think the reason it hits me so hard is bc this means he's...really not a kid anymore. o(TヘTo) lOl, I remember feeling this same way when my cousin said a cuss word out loud. The room just went silent and...I was all...did I hear that right? And I did. And 。゚・ (>﹏<) ・゚。. It's one of my unfortunately many things I don't like. I mean I'm surrounded by it, but I can't get myself to say any of the cuss words. It's...a turnoff for someone to excessively cuss; honestly, it makes me cringe. 

something positive about that day:
Kids...are such precious sweethearts. I could you not love their precious little hearts? So shadowing today was a lot better than I had made it out to be. I had heard from several people about how the staff were "mean" but it wasn't really mean but more of a firm attitude. I mean if you ask a child to put up his toys nicely with a super smiley face he's gonna think you're joking. You have to show you're serious. 

My mom made shrimp c rice! The rice are huge!! She got them from Texas and gosh they are so juicy and's DELICIOUS!!

Lol...and one of the kids called me "pretty". (*≧ω≦*) Lol. Idc what anyone says, compliments from a kid are way better than a compliment from an adult. 

One little girl actually kept hugging me but she was mostly nonverbal so it was difficult to decipher what she wanted. Lol, at one point she dressed up as a witch and she was the most adorable witch ever!! 

Oh and the parking lot was small so I think I did a pretty good job parking decently. Let me just say, I'm not a good parker. I mean usually I can get inside the lines, but man sometimes my car is just too chunky. Lol and I was able to reverse successfully in such a small place. LEt me just say that, if possible, I would never reverse bc there's too much risk in an accidental hit. 

what I had accomplished:
I...made conversation with the classmate. Lol, of course there were moments of silences, but one)at lunch when we sat in his car, the radio filled the silence, and two)the children talked enough that even if I'm quiet, it didn't seem bothersome. Also...I realized that I think I'm actually comfortable around him. I know this bc usually if I'm uncomfortable with a person, a silence will cause my brain to go into overdrive with thoughts like: oh man. Oh man, what do I talk about. Think! Think! Think!(lol, hoping for a Brain blast!!) What subject do normal people talk about? Huh? Brain? Think!. But if I'm comfortable with the person, I tend to trail off into my own thoughts and when the silence is broken then it's broken. Lol. And that's what happened today. 

I also found that I tend to like older children more than smaller children. They can actually have a conversation with me and I'm not having to mindread their needs...which by the way, I am very bad at. I can talk with them and make friends(lol, kids are the best friends you could ever have!!) and...and just enjoy childhood innocence and energy again. (⌒‿⌒) Don't get me wrong, I'm still more of a one on one person, so teacher is definitely out of the question for a career. It was just nice, bc my shadow day was filled with playing with sweet children. Lol, some of them sweeter than others. 

something I looked forward to the next day:
tomorrow is FRIDAY!! I have a 12 hour school day tomorrow, but it's FRIDAY!!!! Lol, Friday means an upcoming weekend baby!!! Weekends, whether I have to do stuff or not do stuff, are WEEKENDS and are meant for joy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! o(>ω<)o

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

♪(^³^)~♪ 'Cause in my castle I'm the freakin' man ♩

something positive about that day:
I got to sleep 10+, I think that's good but I'm not I feel refreshed. but when I get this much sleep I still feel kind of tired too. It was such a nice sleep bc there was thunder and rain and storms always make such a nice backdrop for sleeping.

I talked to this girl that was in my class today. Turns out she's in the same major as me. Hope I didn't freak her out. I just really want a friend in the class. And she looked like someone I could be friends with.

Idk why but some people just give me the vibe that they're similar to me and then I sort of just gravitate towards them, bc it's like YOU'RE LIKE ME! lol now I can't stop that saying from repeating in my head: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US! LOL.

That's why I haven't been able to get along with people from my graduating class. The 3 people who I made friends with when I started this program...they failed out. And, now I only have 2 semesters left, and the people that are left...they all have their own groups already and it always feels like I'm intruding on them...and none of them give off the feel either. They don't have the vibe, so unfortunately I think I'm just gonna go solo these next 2 semesters. Lol, nothing new though. Gives me more time to work on my writing.

I walked to the parking lot with that guy today. Hmm...there were awkward silences yet again...but honestly, I think it helped me bc I think I do better with people that talk a lot. I've always liked having friends that do most of the conversations and I can listen. Bc, that's what I'm good at. I'm not a story teller.

I am a person who would rather have just one or two friends than a whole gang of them. And I would rather be home than go out. I do better in small groups.  I don't want to be the person who's friends with everyone. I thought I did...but that's...that's not me. Lol, and I'm glad I'm starting to figure out who I am, and what I like. Bc it's exhausting to try to be someone you're not.

The quiet person...I think I'm okay with being that person. Other people may not be, but once I get to the point where I'm a 100% accepting of myself, I think they're opinions will stop mattering.

what I had accomplished:
Finally got to watch that Some korean movie that I've been meaning to watch! Lol, I watched it instead of doing hw...but it was a good movie!! Very thriller-ish! Even though I wanted a romance movie, it was still really good! I wished it was longer! <3 Lol, today was a very chill day...not that I'm complaining...but the page looks so bare...:P

something I looked forward to the next day:
I have an 8 hour day tomorrow. Tomorrow is my shadow day...I'm kind of worried, but not really. It should be an easy day...but we'll see. I hope the kids are nice. I like's just I can usually only deal with them one at a time. Maybe two...but then I feel like I don't give them enough attention. I'm a bit worried about who I have to go with. He and I aren't exactly friends. Just classmates...and we don't really I'm hoping I can have only a little awkward day instead of an insanely awkward But whatever comes will come.

Seriously. Today was like my dream life. I sleep. I eat. I walk a little bit. I watch dramas. I read manga. Done. Seriously. If I could get paid to just do that...I would be so~ happy.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

♫ And you're a cherry blossom You're about to bloom ✲゚。.(✿╹◡╹)ノ☆.。₀:*゚✲゚*:₀。

You're beautiful. I don't care if you're a boy or girl or whatever. You were carefully constructed, every cell, every bone, every organ, every body part, every single part of you. You're made of trillions of little cells that work hard each day so that you can talk, can breathe, can listen, can hear, can smell, can think, can walk, so that you can live. That's like a trillion little people inside you working together. Having that many people work together for a cause is a miracle. You are a miracle. Your heart beats ~115,200 times a day!! 100000+ times!!! And get this, you don't even have to think about it. It does it by itself, because you were meant to be alive. You were nothing but a little itty bitty baby once, and now you've grown with your own thoughts, and feelings, and memories, and experiences, and dreams, and wishes, and all I want is for you to be happy. That's all I want for anybody. I don't care if you're bad, have done bad things, have done unforgivable things, have done things that you'll regret for the rest of your life, or if you've always done the right thing, I don't care about any of that. I don't have any right to judge any of that. I just want you to be happy. Isn't that all anyone ever wants? When it comes down to it. All the stuff that we are greedy for: love, lust, money, friends, family, stuff...all of it is because we want to be happy. And I know, I know, bad stuff happens in life. Tragic, horrific, stuff that should never, never, ever, happen, but it does. And it breaks us down until we are literally on the floor, crouched in fetal position and wondering what on Earth are we doing here? Why are we even alive? If this pain means being alive, then I don't want it. But DON'T BE DECEIVED. We're humans. We were gifted with a memory, a heart, and a soul that heals with time. We all want the same why are we hurting each other? It doesn't help anyone. When has saying mean things ever been good? There is hope. Hang in there. Besides...when someone insults you...nothing is more fun than complimenting them in exchange. Because then they're like 〈(゜。゜) lol. Spread love, not hate. Spread kindness, not meanness. °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖° lol, actually that emoji looks kinda w/e we're all a little messed up anyways. But always remember, IT'S OKAY.

And I'm not saying you have to become a saint...just don't become someone's worst nightmare.

oop, it's past midnight, again. Sorry I just...I'm tired of seeing stories about kids, people, being bullied...just why, why, would you do something like that? And people who comment with insults and derogatory remarks. Sick of stories of people killing each other. Why we gotta be hatin on each other. We all humans. We all got beating hearts. We all gonna be dead in the end. So why waste time, energy, on negativity?

grrr...I'm glad I can write out all of my thoughts. I gots a lot of 'em.

something positive about that day:
I got my glasses adjusted!! Lol, but I think they're falling down again...the lady said it had something to do with it being plastic lenses. :(. But! I have a certain hairstyle that actually looks go~od with it. Or at least I think looks good with it~And that's all that matters~Like I said, I'm starting to look in the mirror and being happy with what I see, it's weird bc I've been hating on myself for a while, so it's also really satisfying. Yay!(*˙︶˙*)☆*°

Oh I also got invited to go to winter jam with a childhood friend. I haven't seen her, Christmas. So it's been a while. Like I said, I'm bad at keep contact with people. I'm working on the whole socialization, but at a sloth's pace mind you. It's still progress. I responded early to the text instead of waiting a whole day like I usually day. Texting is so awkward for me. Lol nvm, everything is awkward for me, but I'll do it eventually. And as long as I've done it, even if it's bad, or awkward, I put it in my full effort, and I can sleep at night.

 what I had accomplished:
Poo. lol, not literally, well maybe. But interesting but possibly disgusting fact. Diarrhea, if it hurts, it's because of the acidity. I mean if you think about it, it shouldn't hurt since it's mostly water, but's like lava, dude. It freaking burns. Lol, sorry too personal and too disgusting.

Oh! I wrote a page for one of my past fanfiction Inuyasha ideas. I haven't written in a while, and it was nice to continue with my ideas and see the words fill up the pages and the story start to unfold.

Oh and I also learned about how glasses and contacts DO NOT make your eyes worse. No matter their prescription. The reason eyes get worse is because of strain. Our eyes get tired when the prescription is too weak or too strong, but the eyes are amazing, so they always adjust. Oh! Like that glasses that makes the world look upside down. Our eyes can even adjust to that. And then when we take the glasses of they adjust back to the real world. Lol, they cool like that. And the 20/20 rule thing. I'm trying to do that. Because eyes get dry looking at the computer screen all the time without blinking. So for every 20 minutes I look away for 20 seconds. idk if it'll work, but can't hurt to try. lol, can't have my eyes getting worse, they precious!!

something I looked forward to the next day:
hmmmmm....I only have 1 class tomorrow and its at night so I get to sleeeeep iinnnn!!!! Yay!!! I love sleep. It's my best friend. (≖ᴗ≖๑) hehehe

and remember...YOU'RE A CHERRY BLOSSOM! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOOM!!! LOL, for all I know you could already be blooming!!! (❍❛‿❛❍❋) ❀.(*´◡`*)❀. So either way, YAY YOU!! YAY ME! YAY EVERYBODY!!!! Have good dreams. Live your dreams. Be someone else's dreams. Dream new dreams when you've achieved your old dreams. Just keep on, but don't forget to live. XD

lol, sorry I'm full of cheesy quotes and inspirational(or are they?) comments today.

Monday, March 28, 2016

🎼 Wait, I'm wrong Should have done better than this Please, I'll be strong ♪ ( ᐛ )و

I'm seriously running on ~2 hours of sleep right now and so all I really want to do is fall asleep. I was gonna take a nap now in my car before my next class started but it's sooo hot, I think I would have suffocated in the car(even with the windows rolled down). I'm actually writing at school right now, bc I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay awake once I get home. It's been a loo~oong first day back. I can't believe I forgot I had a test; lol, so last night into this morning until 5 o'clock(let me remind you in the morning!) was spent cramming my brain as much as possible. And then I tried to concentrate in class to study, but I was holding in my cough...I think I got this other kid sick, so I didn't want to cough, bc then the kid'll remember it was me that gave her the, does that even make sense??

Anyways, but since the teacher "trusts" us and stuff so we don't have to ask to go to the bathroom, I really just wanted to get up and go cough in the bathroom where I wouldn't bother anyone, but for some reason all of today, the teacher sat behind me and lectured ALL THROUGHOUT CLASS!!! And, I have anxiety, so I could never find a good time to stand up and open the door(it makes a loud click and people ALWAYS stare), so I spent the whole class concentrating on keeping my cough inside, but that's not good bc then it was hard to breath and the mucus made my breathing wheezy and so finally we had a break and so that's when I coughed. Lol, but the point was that I didn't get any cramming in after I went to sleep.

I went into that test blind and came out dazed. But...I think I did the math before and I can afford to fail a test(just not epically fail it(which I'm afraid I did)). But, if I do, then I have to seriously do well on the other tests. I'm kind of mad at myself bc I totally knew it's systolic/diastolic but for some reason I kept questioning myself!!! (* ̄m ̄) This happened with the last test too. On the basic questions, I question whether if I really know what I know and I always end up getting it, I need to stop thinking on tests!

It was hard to fall asleep too, bc I couldn't remember what time my class was, so I tried to search for it on my phone, but the school's website won't work on mobile devices. So I sat there, thinking, surely I wrote down the right time to take the test. But then...when I closed my eyes, I couldn't sleep. My eyes wouldn't stay shut even though my brain was all SLEEEP NOW, YOU'LL HAVE 2.5 H OF SLEEP IF YOU JUST FALL ASLEEP NOW. That continued on until, if I seriously didn't fall asleep then I would only have 2 hours of sleep left. So I just got up. Went to the living room to get my laptop and looked up the website again. I was I seriously don't trust myself.

So with that clear, I went to sleep. (´〜`*) zzzzz Only to have that BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP wake me up. Lol, I turned it off. I swear I just closed my eyes and then BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. Lol, I turned it off again. This happened until it was 7. I had actually set 5 alarm clocks that night bc I knew that if I didn't I would have overslept. I seriously was sleeping until that last alarm. My eyes have never looked so bloodshot as they have this morning.

I swear I could have been the poster child for drugs. Not only that, but I put on my sunscreen and it paled me out so bad, I seriously looked like a vampire...with bloodshot eyes(and not a hot one). And my hair was doing this antigravity defying thing and...I finally just looked in the mirror and said: You sit in the one's gonna look at you anyways, so MOVE IT!

Today was actually the closest I had cut to being late to class. I ran from the parking lot up those stupid stairs(jk, it makes me feel a sense of accomplishment every time I take the stairs bc I know I'm doing my body good!). Lol, and I wasn't even late. Man, sometimes I just thank God for being on my side. I swear I hit every red light, was behind every slow driver that was out there. Not only that...passengers have the right of way always, but these kids...they can't drive to save their lives. I'd rather not get run over so if a car doesn't look like it's gonna stop even though I need to cross, I just stand there and let it go. LET IT GOOOO~~~

something positive:
Yesterday was one of my friend's birthday. So last night(when I should have been studying) I was preparing a gift. Part of the gift was that I promised to give a piece of my brother's cookie cake. This was SO HARD TO DO. My brother has been guarding that thing with his life. Every time I tell him, he should eat less to savor it, he just hisses at me and is "IT'S MINE! I DO WHAT I WANT!!". lOL, it' hilarious, but I didn't want to go back on my promise. I feel bad, but in return I told him I wouldn't eat any of the cake. He kind of glared at me, but there's still a chunk(a small chunk) left. So this morning I cut a little piece and put it as part of the present. It's nice having a little brother. Lol, all siblings are jewels. (❁´▽`❁)*✲゚* So anyways, what I wanted to say was that giving gifts is really nice.

It makes me happy to give things. Lol. It's just hard when you have nothing to give. And I can't stand when someone opens the present from me, in front of, it's so awkward for some reason. But, there were no complaints. Everything went well, and seriously it puts me in the mood for Christmas!!!!!!! (๑^ں^๑)

Um, so something from yesterday that I forgot to put in...I watched the Macau episode of running man and it was seriously THE BEST EPISODE EVER!!! They did bungee jumping and every time someone jumped, I got goose pimples. It was SOOOO AMAZING!!! I told my brother I would do that if I was there. He said the only way I would do it is if he pushed me. Lol, and he said he would!!! (.=^・ェ・^=) Lol, at least I would have bungee jumped. They were all so brave and seriously made me have the feels again for running man. I love that show soooo much. I get to watch the new episode today too!! And the new episode of WGM china(c eng subs) with song ji hyo+chen bolin is supposed to be out today!!!!! So I may splurge and watch both today when I get home!!!! YAYYY!!!!

something accomplished:
I got 12,466 steps in today!!! And the day isn't even over yet!!! ♡✧( ु•⌄• ). I'm quite sure that's a record for me. So WOOT WOOT!! And this post today...I might as well have wrote a novel. I had a lot to rant. Oh and I want to say to the past me. DUDE, YOU ROCK AT WRITING. In my last class(teach is pretty chill but she basically just reads the powerpoints so paying attention is pointless), so I was going through my google drive and reading some of my old fanfiction(never posted), and dude, I freaking had golden ideas. The only problem was that none of them were ever finished. They were literally just snippets of amazing plots. I want to finish them and make them stories someday. I love writing SOO much.  Man I'm proud of myself for preparing the gift though. I mean I'm a pretty lazy person, but wait now that I think about it...I could have just spent my time on the gift bc I was procrastinating on W/e.

The steps actually came from me walking to the optometrist. It was about an hour walk to and back. Traffic was ridiculous with the little walking man sign never showing up. I even pressed it a couple times bc it felt like it was taking too long. And they don't leave the walking sign on for very long. I'm already a slow person, but I had to job across and even then it was blinking don't walk when I was only halfway across the street. It wasn't too hot though so it was a nice walk. Glad they have sidewalks!!!

Got my glasses and they fit when I put them on at the office, but I just tried them on again and they keep sliding off my face :( They're stylish though!!! :P lol or should I say nerdy? They remind me of the past's nice. and like I said contacts kill my freaking eyes. Though I don't know if the prescription is right considering I wore my contacts when I went to get them, so contacts+glasses=blurry world. Lol, but still clearer than if I didn't wear either. (*⌒▽⌒*)θ~♪

something to look forward to tomorrow:
I think I'm picking my friend up tomorrow so I get to talk to her since I haven't during all of spring break. Lol. Like I said I'm bad at communication. I can go years without calling/texting a friend but if we meet up, it'll be like the years we hadn't been meeting never even happened. I don't know why it's like that...

And I'll probably walk to the eye doctor place tomorrow again to get my glasses fixed, bc I can't wear them like this. They'll just keep sliding off and become broken. So yay, healthy me!!! (^▽^)/ ʸᵉᔆᵎ


Sunday, March 27, 2016

♫ When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right ♡ ~('▽^人)

That's how a superhero learns to fly 

(Every day, every hour, 
Turn the pain into power)

Seriously, all the lyrics in the song is SO good, it was hard to pick just a couple lines.

something positive about that day:
I GOT FREE STUFF!!! It's so nice having a nice relative. My aunt just got back from California and guess what she brought????? SOUVENIRS!! OR BETTER KNOWN AS FREE STUFF!!!! I love anything free. Lol, I love stuff in general. So when I get free stuff, it just makes my world. And it doesn't even have to be anything big. Give me a free pencil and you've had made my day. 

I also got pizza today. And sausage in hot dog buns. It was for dinner. It was goo~ood. :O XD I also showered today. Lol, that doesn't sound huge, but it's been two days. So I feel clean and ready to face school tomorrow!!(Bring it on school!!! please go easy on me since it's my first day back in a while). Oh, I also flossed. Man there was a lot of nasty gunk in my teeth. I need to start wearing my retainer too. Otherwise my teeth are going to be outta line again. 

what I had accomplished: will be back to update bc I'm working on my hw rn. Update! 2 hours later~ FINALLY, I finished that stupid essay. I finished my discussion the night before. So all I have left is studying. I forgot I had a test tomorrow. Lol, so I have no other choice than to cram at this point. I'm writing early today bc I'll probably forget later. 

something I looked forward to the next day:
Tomorrow is SCHOOOOOOOOLLLLL. We all know how much people look forward to that \(º □ º l|l)/...but tomorrow I also got the call to pick up mis nuevos lentes(err, did I do that right?)! I think I'm going to "try" and walk there if I can from the school to the eye place bc me needs to work out...we'll see. But, then yay! I won't have to wear these dry eyeing contacts anymore!!!!!! And I can wear my glasses at home and walk around and get my nerd on~

                 ♫ 'Cause he's stronger than you know

A heart of steel starts to grow 

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Got me singin' like Na na na na everyday ♪ ヽ(o´∀`)ノ♪♬

something positive about that day:
Oh! I recorded Mulan, watched it, and then danced at 3 in the morning in the living room to Make a Man out of you. It was AWESOME. My choreography was on point. ⁽⁽◝( • ω • )◜⁾⁾ I also read an instagram post about how basically everyday you should choose wisely what you wear bc that could be the outfit you die in(morbid...but ya know). So when I went out today(shocker! Yes, I saw the sun and greeted hello), I actually contemplated outfits...and I got to say, I was looking go~oood today. Instead of flinching when I saw myself in the mall mirrors, I had to take a second look, bc hey, I didn't look like a trashcan, I looked like an average human. LOl, it was a nice change bc usually I cringe when I see myself in those mirrors. 

This is good bc bad self esteem will get me nowhere. So baby steps, but one day I want to be comfortable with the person I see in the mirror. Lol, but not too obsessed like Narcissus. Moderation, man, moderation.

And! I found some hats that actually fit my head. Now this is amazing, bc my head is the size of jupiter. Really, hats have never been my friend and I found some fabulous hats. I didn't buy them though bc 20$ for a hat is just ridiculous, just nice to know that there are hats out there that are flattering for my head. 

I also found my brother's Christmas present!! So my brother has always wanted a dog. Or a cat. Or a, really any pet will do. But my parents don't like pets bc...they tend to go from outside to inside and make the house "dirty". So while shopping today, I found doggy slippers! And they were only 4$!!! That's crazy! I've never found slippers to be so cheap! And they were so freaking soft!! Like a teddy bear and when I tried them on...IT WAS LIKE WALKING ON CLOUDS!!!! Not that I've ever done that before, but I'm sure that's what it would feel like! Or well I guess you would fall through the cloud since it's just air...Agh, shut up logical side of my brain! IT FELT LIKE CLOUDS!! (`ε´)

what I had accomplished:
lol, what did I do today? OOOHH, I went shopping today! I found ma sunscreen. Ha! Sun! Try and burn me now!...that was a joke. Please don't burn me. I WILL DIE. Literally. And found some awesome bargains. Got 5 items for count it, 15 dollars! Bam. That's ~3$ an item. Talk about feeling accomplished. I get a rush from buying things that are on sale. It makes me feel like I beat the system. Like I'm sticking it to the man. Lol. I never really went through a rebellious phase, but more like as the years go on, I do random rebellious acts...and then feel sorry for being rebellious. Lol.

Oh, I came upon that epiphany today too. I'm a late bloomer. A re~ally late bloomer. Either that or, I started off super mature and am now regressing...I'm stuck between the two theories. Lol, I seem to be getting a lot of epiphanies these days. Hmm. Brain's working overtime.

something I looked forward to the next day:
Getting my butt in gear to do some serious hw. Hoot hoot! Seriously. I'm gonna be more productive tomorrow than I have the who~le spring, which actually isn't that hard to do considering just how inactive I've been. And being productive is good, bc it gives me sense of accomplishment. Accomplishment makes me feel like a human, instead of a potato.


Bro: How can I be scared when I can't even remember the truth? -deadpan-

Dude. Seriously. My brother...he says the best stuff. I'm gonna write a story just based on that 2 sentence convo. I can already see a story playing out in my head. __φ(。。)

Friday, March 25, 2016

♬ You told me, "Yes" You held me high And I believed when you told that lie ┬┴┬┴┤(・_├┬┴┬┴

Yawn~ Getting more than 8 hours of sleep makes me sleepy. Getting less than 8 hours of sleep makes me sleepy. Lol, I'm just always sleepy. I'm pretty sure that's a medical problem...but who doesn't have something wrong with them these days? (*´з`)口゚。゚口(・∀・ )

something positive about that day:
I just ate a chocolate sandwich ice cream drowned in chocolate syrup. It didn't need any more, who am I kidding, you can always use more CHOCOLATE!! CHOCOLATE! DID YOU SAY CHOCOLATE?!?!(lol, spongebob). And half a bag of chips...It's amazing if you think how easy it is to gain weight, but how ridiculously difficult it is to lose weight. Though I have to admit, exercising is fun...correction. The feeling you get after exercising is fun. The exercise part is where you start to question yourself.

Also it's about to be not sure about my life choices at the moment. But what can you do. ╮( ̄ω ̄;)╭

what I had accomplished:
I was able to get all of my photos and videos transferred onto my flash drive thanks to the handy dandy INTERNET. What would I do without you, internet? Seriously, when the internet and well lights went out in our neighborhood for ~9 hours, I felt like I had been transported back to the caveman days. All I had were sticks and dirt to play with. Ek. Not one of my finer moments. But the usb worked!! And seriously, google is amazing. They totally deserve their billion dollar company.

People of the internet too, I thank thee.

I was able to watch videos from a couple Christmases ago and video is an amazing tech too. So much better than still pictures! But they cost so much memory. The funniest one I'd have to say is one of myself dancing to 'Why can't we be friends' lol, it's pure gold. Man, if I had gone to prom, I would have beat the pants off of all of them dancers. ヘ( ̄ω ̄ヘ) ((┘ ̄ω ̄)┘(「• ω •)「 lol, these are actually pretty similar to my epic dance moves. Ahem. A dance video that will never see the light of day. Of course. One of my secret videos that'll be buried with me when I die! Not to be morbid, but it was embarrassing to even watch myself groove. (//ω//)

something I looked forward to the next day:
shopping!! I have a 10$ credit to spend. I also have to look for suncreen bc it's getting to be around that time. I heard sun damage is really bad, but it's one of those silent killer things.

It's surprising, but it's getting easier to come up with these. Taking a different perspective on situations in life that just seem, to put it bluntly, poopy, can make life a heck of a lot nicer. Life can be a pile of poo, but you don't have to concentrate on how bad it smells/looks, just look at its other good qualities. That poop came from something actually quite tasty. It can actually be used as manure. And hey, everything in this world is recycled. What comes in, comes out, and comes back in.

Lol, I have no clue how I got to this point, but I think this metaphor got taken a little too far. G'night world and all its inhabitants. ~(˘▽˘)~

Thursday, March 24, 2016

♪ "Son you got an angel, To chase the devil at night." ♫ (〜 ̄△ ̄)〜

"No one ever said life was gonna be fair, Chuckie, " said Phil. Really from the mouth of babes. How old are the Rugrats kids? Nickelodeon trying to teach us the struggle while we're young. Lol, SEE this is why I love(unhealthily obsess over) cartoons. <3

But really, today has been...what's the word...touching? Reminiscent? Nostalgic? Eye-opening? All those things. I just finished watching 2 days and 1 night(korean variety show! This 3rd season has such an amazing cast! They all get along so well and it's so funny each episode!!) and the theme this time was history related. It was about a prominent figure in Korean history; a man who assassinated another man to promote Korean independence. The editing, the narration, and just the cast of the show made the whole episode super intriguing. Not gonna lie, but I shed some tears.

But the reason it hit me so hard, was bc I was doing some deep thinking again today. Lol, I finally get to deep think bc I don't have to worry about school stuff(well I do, but I'll put that off till the last minute ;)) and it's just amazing if you think about history. Let me just say history is one of my kinks. I love the fact that the places I've walked everyday that seem so insignificant to me, has actually been a ground that has been tread on by who knows how many people. People with stories all their own. Love stories. Sad stories. Inspirational stories. But all stories. And then...I'm gonna be a part of history. One day, someone else will be looking back to this time period I'm living in. It's crazy to think that 100 years from now, I won't be here but some other person will be thinking about this year 2016. Gosh. I think having a time travel machine would be the greatest thing ever. To be able to visit the past. The future. But mostly the past and see how they lived. To see their lives with my own eyes instead of being told history through someone else's eyes.


Anyways...enough of ma fangirling....

something positive about that day:
I GOT MY 64 GB FLASH DRIVE IN THE MAIL TODAY!!! THAT'S 64 GIGABYTES OF PHOTOS THAT'LL BE FOREVER PRESERVED EVEN WHEN MY COMPUTER GOES CAPOOT!!! I hope it works though. I haven't tried it yet...and there were mixed reviews about the PNY brand. BUT I TOOK A CHANCE! Just hope taking the leap won't bite me in the bum. Lol. Hmmm, it's amazing how far we've come with technology. I remember when I got the 8 gb flash drive, forever ago, and was simply fascinated by how such a little device could hold so many pictures and files. IT WAS DAEBAK. But now 8 gb is nothing. I really can't do anything with it bc I have SO MUCH STUFF(mostly useless stuff, but did I mention I'm also a useless hoarder? Lol, I am) I got it for ~20 bucks which I think is a pretty good price for 64 gb, but we'll see tomorrow.

The main reason that I bought it was bc my old laptop is...the cpu fan is broken so it won't even turn on anymore. HOWEVER, I was googling cpu fan errors for gateway computers and there's something where you can actually turn off the fan function that'll allow for the laptop to turn on and still properly function. I ONLY NEED IT TO WORK FOR A LITTLE bit. There are important pictures on my laptop that I wasn't able to put onto flickr or my other flash drive or other computer or or memory device, so I really need to access the computer and transfer the files...but I don't know how reliable the source is. I'm scared to try it bc it might not work...but well it's not like I lose anything if it doesn't work.

part 2 is to buy a cpu fan online and try to install it on my own. if those 2 plans fail then I'm gonna have to go find a tech person and have them fix it. Erk. Hopefully I won't have to go to plan C bc it's the most expensive option. I was gonna do it today, but I'm on procrastination to the MAX. Lol.

I love getting mail. Even if it's useless stuff. It just makes me so happy. XD Let the post office never die!! NEVER!!

what I had accomplished:
Hmmm, this is a tough one today bc I lazed around so much. Lol, I did get to catch up on sleep like I had planned. I slept somewhere around 4 in the morning and woke up around 1 in the morning? Oh my gosh. That's right. I had a nightmare last night. I slept for about an hour and then woke up gasping. I actually have this dream a lot. But it's where I'm in the dream. And I know that I'm in a dream. But I can't wake up. I seriously say to myself "This is a dream. You need to wake up. WAKE UP!!" and I won't. I pinch myself in the dream. Pour water on myself. Jump off of high things and I WON'T WAKE UP. It's seriously effing terrifying. And it's always a bad dream bc I'm either being watched, being chased, or being sexually harassed(this was what happened last night; and it's scary bc I never see the face of the person). I was scared to go back to sleep bc when I have these dreams, I'm always terrified I'll just be trapped in the dream forever and never wake up. So after an hour of staring at the ceiling, my eyelids got kind of heavy so I just prayed to God, "please let me not have another nightmare." Lol sorry off topic but it's 1:23 A.M. and for some reason that's freaking hilarious to me. (*¯︶¯*). Lol, anyways, back to the dream. I did get to sleep and had a dream about this itty bitty kitten that fit in the palm of my hand and was the purest white and it was the best dream EVER. The kitten was a twin and so the other twin was pure black and followed my brother. Twin kittens, how cute is that?! It makes me want a cat. But a tiny one. That fits in my palm. IT WAS SOOO CUTE!! So, bad nightmare, but it ended on a good note. So all's good, man. All is goo~oood. 

I also did me some cooking! Le gasp. Don't panic. It was just a box. A box of sour cream and chives potatoes. Or patatoes. Snort. Whichever. But it turned out goo~ood. And I didn't burn anything so accomplishment!! Lol, I love the little joys in my life. They make the day so worth it!! (o˘◡˘o)

something I looked forward to the next day:
Walking in the morning. I'm gonna try to wake up and walk in the morning. Lol, which I haven't done since LAST summer. It's suppose to be a bit chilly, but that's ok. I'm going in the morning since tomorrow is Good Friday so I won't be able to go in the afternoon. It'll be fun!

Hmmm, I can't remember anything else that happened through the day. There was a lot...I think...but I think I already wrote too much. Man wouldn't it be cool to have a pen that could write your thoughts? Lol, then I could just think it and it would appear on the paper. That'd be nice. Lol. I think there was an old disney movie actually that had that...hmmm...( ̄_ ̄)・・・lol the emoji kind of looks like an alien shooting beams. BEAM ME UP ALIEN!!!! 

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

♫ And when you smile The whole world stops and stares for a while (─‿‿─)

something positive about that day:
It was BEAUTIFUL. My goodness, it was such pretty weather today. The sun wasn't too sunshiney and the sky was the perfect blend of blue and then the clouds were all dragon shaped...the wind was a bit strong but if I was lighter, I'm sure I would have been swept away. Gosh, I should have made a kite. It would have flown baby flown. It was AMAZING. I forget just how beautiful this world is sometimes. The bees, the mosquitoes, the bugs, the dandelions, the grass...this is their home. This is OUR home. Gah. Days like this make me just want to lie in the grass and cloud watch all day long. Wouldn't that be an awesome job? Lol, but I got my daily dose of outside when I went walking today. There were other people walking too, so yay! I think it's ~30 min recommended of physical activity. So bam! daily quota done!

Lol. I can't. The world is so much better when you talk like a Brit. Gosh, all day I've been going around the house saying "I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket." Gosh they're accents are so BEAUTIFUL. I swear my life will be complete if I could just live a year with British people and visit 221B Baker street. (⌒‿⌒)

aND DIMPLES. goh. I can't with dimples. They're little dips of joy in people's faces.

Lol. idk where I was going with this. (-‿‿-)

what I had accomplished:
Haha, I had just enough money to pay for the copay for my eye appointment. Lol, after digging through my purse and car and closet, I dug up enough money. I REALLY need a job...but getting people to hire me is the, not gonna go down that path.

I found glasses...but because I didn't have my contacts in(because they require you to take them out for the exam) and I couldn't find an appropriate time to put them in(they never left me alone!!! :O) I had to get real up close and personal with their mirror. I don't think I chose pretty, cause I couldn't really see them...but oh well, I just need them to see, not to look good. That would just be a bonus. Besides I miss my nerd look. (ノ*゚▽゚*) Lol. I think they may have been like inverted triangles? But, kind of rectangles? They were greyish from what my blurred sight could see...Also because my prescription was high, the choices were actually limited. I've gone up in prescription again...I think she said it was 7.5 in one eye and 8 in the used to be just 7 in both eyes...I wonder when I would be able to get Lasix or if I'm even eligible. Idk how to stop my eyesight from getting worse. I mean I can't just stop using the is based around screens. Even reading books I'm starting to do on computers...idk what to do...but I'm super excited to get glasses again!! Yay!  

 something I looked forward to the next day:
I FINALLY DON'T HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY!!!! That's so freaking amazing, you have no idea. It's spring break right? Well, I've had to go somewhere Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. That's half of spring break out the window. But tomorrow. Oh tomorrow, the possibilities!!! My bed is calling me~Lol, maybe I'll do some hw tomorrow...MAYBE...we'll see.

It's storming outside and I've always had a dream to just stand outside while it was storming and just soak in it all. Like the movie Pixel Perfect where she saw rain for the first time? I just want to stand out there and bask in, no lightening would be good. But...I want to do that once. Just once. To be soaked to the bone and have every cell refreshed.

I've ran in the rain before and that is FUN. Lol, not while wearing sandals(flip flops), because that's just asking for falls, but it's SO FUN. When I get a house, I wanna be one of those people who sits on their porches and just watches the world. Especially during storms. That's the life, man.

OH AND I JUST REALIZED...tomorrow means there's going to be that refreshing feel of 'after the rain'; I love that atmosphere. It feels like I'm stepping out into a new world.

MMM, isn't the world beautiful??? ( ´ ▽ ` ).。o♡

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

(o˘◡˘o) Don't say no, no, no, no-no; Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah ♬

I'm a very fearful person. And...there's a lot of fear with becoming more knowledgeable, and becoming wiser. I remember writing a paper for the benchmark about how "ignorance is bliss"lol I ranted the potato out of that paper...point is, I still think that might be true. What kind of person would I be if I didn't know everything that I did now? Would I be a less jaded person? Would I be kinder? I mean I used to be a nice know when I knew nothing...but somewhere along the was like rocks kept being thrown at me, so that there's nothing left but a shattered me. I'm not afraid to admit it: I'm a mean person. I wouldn't slap the label nice on me anymore.

Lol. It's been a long day and long days are usually because I've had a lot of time for reflection. Lol, and those reflections tend to take me down the black hole of negativity.

Thank you for bein' a friend ♪ Gosh, I love that song!! I've never watched an episode though. that that's out of the way. The me today isn't bad either. I'm hesitant, but I haven't lost the intention to help. I'm still in the process of finding, I'm gonna be dead before I know who I am and am happy with who I am.

I'm just torn between wanting to be the person that's nice/friendly/talks to everybody and the person that's quiet/talks with a few people. I'm not sure which one is me...and I'm not sure which one I want to's all so confusing and there really isn't a manual to it. Just a lot of trial and error, lol.

something positive about that day:
Gah, I woke up today being able to breathe!!!! You know how much of an accomplishment that is for me??? My throat has been KILLING me. I swear it was like swallowing fish bones every time I swallowed. LOl, now I just have a hacking cough that causes me headaches when I cough but well one step at a time, amigo. Thank you GOD for it being spring break so I'm not in people's vicinity.

lol, and I've just been informed by my brother that there is such a thing as duck otherwise known as duckonnaise(probably spelled that wrong, but too lazy to spellcheck)...gah, you learn something new everyday. :P I wonder if it tastes good...though now that I think about it, what is normal mayo made from????? To the google!!! Lol, maybe later, if I remember.

lol, raising hope is such a funny show. Dude you wanna blow things up? Sure. He shows up and they're blowing up animal balloons. Lol, golly, so silly. Silly, silly, silly. And once again, I'm reminded of how wonderful it is to have directtv and recorded programs. I get to skippity do da those commercials!!!! AHAHAHa, take that ads that waste minutes of my life trying to sell me things I don't need.

what I had accomplished:
I cleaned. Not just oh placed papers back where they were supposed to go, but literally sat my butt down on the floor and vacuumed up those watermelon seeds. Haha and those spidey spiders that thought they could hide away in corners. I found you!!! Cue maniacal laugh. BWAHAHAHA. Lol, I kind of felt bad for them because I mean they didn't do anything to me...yet. But they got families too ya know. Lol, try reading that in a new jersey accent. Lol. Right anyways I found a couple spiders AND get this a couple of beetles under my bed. Talk about nasty. They were dead...I bet they were spider food, but they're all enjoying they're new home inside my vaccuum cleaner. Lol, I'm so afraid to open the thing because what if when I do, they're still alive and then come after me?! Ey, that wouldn't happen...I think. Oh and I windexed the windows but the blinds got stuck so my mom got them down...I never know how to work those buggers. I got one window down then it just looked like I was dancing with the other Alls well that ends well though. :P

Oh! Oh! I just remembered, I finished making my ring box today!! It's a lot more tic tac awesome than I had thought it would turn out to be!!! I would post a pic..but I'm not that high tech yet, lol. I've lately developed an obsession with rings so bought a bunch from china off of ebay. Gah, I want to describe how to make it, but it's so many steps. I'm sure there's a tutorial on the google; that's where I figured out how to make mine...or maybe that was instagram.

Man, I forgot what I was talking about...I'll just end it here today.

something I looked forward to the next day:
Hopefully I can find me some new glasses tomorrow!!!!!!! Mine have been broken for a couple years now and I've been wearing contacts. I want to be stylish!! Lol. rock this world with my STYLE. Lol, no but glasses make my fat face look even and not the cute kind of chubby. they're always too small for my kind of makes me sad really, but I'm getting sick of contacts...they dry out my eyes so much...but I gotta admit, I look go~od when I'm wearing them. ;D haha, strut that confidence!

oh my gosh, I just realized, but I don't know how to hula hoop!!! No!! I need to go buy one and practice...that's going on my bucket list...along with juggling. Skills I need before becoming a skeleton. Lol, the list is really long actually

...I wonder if any of this makes sense...I feel like I just jabbered on about no~thing. Lol. w/e. I gots my shot of positive done for today!! XD

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you ♪ OOO.OOO

It's spring break and my days are blurring together. Lol. I forget what day is which. My sleep schedule is radically random. I just woke up from a 4 nap after walking and it's midnight. Lol...but I need to sleep now but I'm not sleepy. Hmm. :O

something positive about that day:
I got to eat my asian buffet!!! And cookie cake!!! It was deliciously heart attacking inducing! Lol. I regret nothing!!!! we also got my mom's, mine, and brother's passports applications filled and turned in. The picture I took there wasn't half bad...I was a little iffy about it, but it was bright white. And didn't take long; the longest thing was waiting in the post office That was like an hour wait.

Just in case you don't know. You just go to the post office with application, birth certificate, and copy of driver's licence, hand it to the dude. He takes your picture. He looks over the forms. You swear everything is true and then sign and its a done deal. Pay that dude and then go over to the post office side and pay them the processing fee. Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

what I had accomplished:
We also got my mom's, mine, and brother's passports applications filled and turned in. The picture I took there wasn't half bad...I was a little iffy about it, but it was bright white. And didn't take long; the longest thing was waiting in the post office That was like an hour wait.

And, even though my throat is actually feeling worse, but only on one side O.o (left side), I went walking today. Which actually feels really nice compared to sitting inside all the time. Lol, I really love exercising, but I always have a lack of motivation to do it...I hate the process but love the outcome. 

OOooh and big accomplishment! There was a mixup at the passport place and I got a little I was pissed actually, but my rebound time was actually really good. Usually when I get mad, I stay mad for the longest time, but today, in less than an hour, I was back to being happy. Dude. That's tic tac awesome. I didn't waste time being mad, and instead laughed it off. IT WAS NI~~CCE. Lol. 

something I looked forward to the next day:
Tomorrow I get to go with my dad to do his passport and then we'll be done with this passport business!! Yata! A load off my shoulders and another thing to mark off the list of things to do.

This is actually written at 2 in the morning...but hopefully I'll remember to write tomorrow's before midnight. Like I said, my sleeping schedule is wacko rn.


Sunday, March 20, 2016

Sometimes the only pay-off for having any faith Is when it's tested again and again everyday ♫ <( ̄︶ ̄)>

doo doo doo doo op. badam badam badam. And yet~ it's another year!!!

Haha, try making sense of that! :O It'll be my brother's birthday in ~25 minutes!!! He's been counting down the time until he gets to eat cookie cake since we only get it once a year...on his I always get ice cream cake.
something positive about that day:
I got air baby! I got fresh air in ma lungs!!! Lol. Just went out shopping and it was cold but I got air!!! Lol. It's not because I'm held hostage in my house but the weather has been crazy weird and I never know if it's ok to go outside because looks can be deceiving. It looked so pretty outside today, but the wind chill was off the charts cold. I got to buy me donuts! Glazed kind! And the one where they mark off the 6 and put 7!!! Booyah!!! I get an extra!!! Haha...or maybe that's a scam, w/e. Half of it is already, we lovers our donuts!!

Oh and for some reason Wal mart was being super nice and there were 3 count 'em 3! free sample places! And...being the glutton I am, I went to all 3 of them...but actually I let my mom get them because for some reason I get shy around them. One was this whipped topping with fruit. Another was ham. And then one was marshmallow pink peep with oreo and a pretzel! BAm! I gots my stomach soo many presents!!

Woo! 2 positive things came to mind!! Getting up there in my positive thinking baby!! xD
what I had accomplished:

And on maplestory today, a guy invited me to his party. Now that's not the good thing, I mean it is, but I accepted!! It was so weird! I mean you have to understand that I don't do parties. At all. I like solo training. But he was all invite and I was all accept and bam. We in party! And he was sooo nice!! He even gave me pots and said if I needed anymore to just ask him!! seriously, I know kids are usually the main audience of maplestory, but I've heard kids these days are meanie bobeanies. I left the party once he d/c'ed and I leveled, but I'll never forget you kid! Thanks for the party and being a good kid.  Oh and I also sold about 600 mill in items so I'm nearing 2 bill in maplestory which is a miracle bc I've never even imagined I could make that much money!!!! haha, if only it was as easy to make money in real life!!!!! IN ma dreams, right!!!! lol.

something I looked forward to the next day:
AHHHH SOOOOO MUCH! I'm not even sure I can write all of it down!!! Tomorrow, like I said, is my brother's birthday, so we get asian buffet, we get mom's home cooking, AND we get cookie cake!!! Yay! YAY! YAYYYYY!!! AWESOMENESS to the max!!!!!! So my belly is going to be getting new stretchmarks and I'm probably going to be coughing because of all the oily foods we eating tomorrow. And...I just love birthdays(even though my brother doesn't because he's all well you only get a year closer to death....blah blah blah) but even if that's true, he forgets that it's also another year that we've lived, survived life!!! LIFE is tic-tac hard man. And a lot of people don't make it to their birthdays so there's a lot to be thankful for and a lot to celebrate!!!! Gah, life is good man. Even with all the dustbuster badness clouding in and trying to ruin me, I see that silver lining man!!!

I really thought this project was going to be B.S. but I can feel myself looking to the bright side of things as problems continue to crop up. That silver lining is so SWEET! I'm ashamed I never noticed it before, but I'm thankful that I am doing it now. There's so many good moments that I've missed because I'm SO focused on 'oh this is so bad, and blah blah blah' well that other side of the coin is a heck of a lot prettier and deserves more of my attention than this bad stuff. So thank you God for letting me survive another day and thank you for not letting go of my hand up to this point. Please still don't let go. I still and will always need you. My will is weak, but I won't stop fighting. I can't give up. I can't give up. This road is dark, but I'll reach that light at the end of the tunnel even if it kills me..but it won't. I'm so EXCITED now because it's only been a couple days and I can see a difference in my thinking. That's sooo crazy!! What will the difference be in a couple of weeks from now??? Lol, I guess we'll see huh? Gah!!! SO EXCITING!!! XD


Saturday, March 19, 2016

If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? ♪ ::))

something positive about that day:
I got to sleep for 15 hours. Lol, surprisingly that isn't the longest I've slept, but it's nice especially when your immune system is trying to fight off a vicious bug. Seriously nyquil knocked me out, but then when it wore off(6 h) I woke up and hacked my lungs was wonderful. But, when I ate today it didn't feel like I was swallowing jagged knives, so wonderful!!!!! Lol, I just need to be able to swallow normally before MOnday bc that's when I get to eat Asian Buffet! Lol, I looove their food! The noodles, the meat and my favorite is their coffee cake. I wish I knew their recipe then I would make it for myself!!!

what I had accomplished:
I...was able to finish printing out the pictures needed for my family's passport and I also found out it'll take me about 2 weeks to get a new social security card to match my name change. I thought it would take longer, but that's actually really good news.

something I looked forward to the next day:
Tomorrow I get to go to the market and buy food! Our fridge is empty...and I'm hungry. I'm hoping to buy donuts...but sometimes Wal-mart doesn't have that. Wal mart is a ripoff artist...sorry, we buy like 5 items there and it's 50 bucks...I wish we had a costco. Oh! We do have an aldis so that's nice. I love bargains...or even fake bargains. My favorite place is a to z especially during holiday sales because it's always so cheap. lol. maybe I'm just a cheapskate(I think I spelled that wrong).

...I'm sleepy even though I had 15 h of sleep. :D

Friday, March 18, 2016

♪I'm on my way so don't close that gate :)

something positive about that day:
I got to eat cakepops!!! And they were amazing!! Chocolate and vanilla flavor. Oooh and chocolate truffle. But the best part of the day was I didn't get paired with the birthday girl. Nothing against her, but we just don't get along well because we're complete opposites. Thank goodness I got the chick I did bc she was amazingly nice!!!

what I had accomplished:
I actually did my part in lab instead of waiting for her to do it. Bc, I'm more of a follower than a leader, but I did what I could.

 something I looked forward to the next day:
Tomorrow's saturday!!! AND officially the start of my SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!! SO I'm defininitiely going to sleep in and hopefully some rest heals this sore throat, bc it hurts to swallow. Gah, I'm going to bed, it's 11:57; but didn't want to forget my positive things for the day.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

♬You can go the distance You can run the mile You can walk straight through hell with a smile (´ω`)

something positive about that day:
I realized it today, that it shouldn't matter all these what if questions...I mean they really don't do me any good other than just make me depressed. Like, if he was here it would be better, or she probably hates me, or I bet she's saying how boring I am, and blah blah blah...what does any of that matter? I mean maybe it does, but what will thinking those thoughts do? Nothing. Anyways. I'm glad I had a good classmate to go to shadowing with. She talked and interacted for me. Oh and the kids...special education kids...they're SO precious. It made me feel so grateful and inadequate. What in the world am I complaining about? At least I have a body that moves when I want it to and at least I'm able to verbalize my requests,...they're sooo smart and it makes me wonder if we aren't doing them a disservice by not having more one on one classes. I wish I was able to create a device that could read I could know what they needed when they take my hand and stare at me. I've never been good at reading people, but we live in the 21st century...something's got to be done to get past this communication barrier.

Oh! Actually, it was interesting bc in one of the classrooms, they had signing time. I think signing is ridiculously amazing. And should honestly be learned by everyone and be offered or taught for free bc talking isn't the only way to communicate.

Also it turns out I have a very vague stand on things. Like all kinds of things. Death, murder, suicide, abortion, politics, food...I get swayed easily...ooops.

But the reason I say that is because it came up about how special education kids should never be told, "This is all you've ever amount to. You'll never get past(insert grade/age level)". Then there are those that say, "That's B.S. They can do do whatever the eff they want. Why are you putting limitations on them?" So there's like a very sandy line between setting realistic expectations and actually limiting them that I can't decide which one is better. I mean you never want to limit a kid when he/she could be SO much more...but you also don't want to give them expectations that could possibly only lead to disappointments...idk, like I said, I don't have clear opinions. I should stick to my  guns more. Lol, there go the negativity thoughts. Well, I'm working on it.

Oh! It was crazy bc last week I was all, I think I want to eat oatmeal so I bought it but didn't get a chance to eat it. And then bam, this week I have this ridiculously sore throat and guess what? I get to eat my oatmeal!! It's surprisingly delicious!! <3 I even put bananers in it!!

what I had accomplished:
Asking questions and making remarks. I have to believe that I'll build some kind of immunity or liking if I can just open my mouth. I mean I do want to get along with others. I do want people to remember my name, my face...honestly, it's kind of selfish and greedy, but all I really want is someone to say, thank you...a sincere and heartfelt thank you and I'll continue working hard until and after I hear and feel those words.

This is the thing that shocked me really. Helping people...knowing that you were able to do something for's really a high and happy kind of feeling. It really could be an addiction. Heh, at least a better addiction that the ones that I usually get into.

something I looked forward to the next day:
Turns out I have class on campus tomorrow, from 7-5, and the classmate that I went today with is baking stuff for someone's birthday so yay! I get to eat homemade stuff!! Hehe, and it's sweet dessert stuff today! Bad for me, but also GOOD for me, if you know what I mean, lol. :P If it isn't obvious, me likely the foodie.  (´ω`)

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Don't you worry, don't you worry, child. See heaven's got a plan for you. ♫ :O

something positive about that day:
I got to talk to him today; he called out to me. It wasn't nearly as awkward as it was the first time we talked. Still awkward silences, but there was mostly me laughing. Haha, lol, I think I did well in trying to come up with topics to talk about...mostly just class topics though because I find that easiest to related to. And, he talked some, at least when I let him. He's such a nice kid; honestly, we go the same way, so it's good that our paths have intersected. It gives me a chance to work on my talking to boys...I don't want to say phobia but more like inadequacy. Gosh, there I go again. No. Bad thoughts. I do talk well to people...once I get to know them. In fact, I can hold conversations, just give me time.

something I had accomplished: my homework least what I had planned on getting done. I got the reading part all settled. And, I even got to start on my other reading assignment. And I got a headstart on ordering my brother's cookie cake, so take that procrastination!!! Haha. In YO face!

something I looked forward to the next day:
I get to go to a middle school tomorrow and shadow!! Yay! Back to the middle school days, gosh that was such a long time ago. Lol. It's gonna be awkward showing up in my uniform, but it'll be cool to see what she does in her job. I wish we had more days like this in high school, so I could have explored my options more instead of just diving into a career, but I'm doing alright where I, I think...let's turn that into yes, you are doing AWESOME, you person you. Lol. Seriously, this bad negative thinking is a lot harder to kick than I thought. It's so easy to think but...or you know...for every good thing that I can come up with. But, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna rewire you brain and YOU'LL be doing my bidding, instead of the other way around!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Lol, that's all folks. O.O

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Life is a road and I want to keep going ♪ XD

So, I'm super duper excited to start this new blog. I'm excited to see what'll become of me at the end of this journey, but of course I'll sniff the flowers along the way. ;o

My life stinks(figuratively, and only literally when I choose not to shower(my record is actually 3 days then, I hit ew is my hair some kind of limpy spaghetti? Lol, :X)). I'm frustrated. I cry at the drop of a hat. I've thought about how I want to kill myself more times than I want to count. I get in angry tizzy spells, that are in hindsight, nothing short of ridiculous. And, I have no idea what's going on or what I'm going to do with my life. So...jolly epiphany huh? Actually it's the inner thoughts of many a nights spent staring at the streetlight that shines between the cracks in my windows blinds. Sorry to get a bit depressed there, but it's the sad truth...of my life. Wow, downer, but, no more! I'm getting out of this hole, even if I have to crawl my way out. You can do it!!!

So, me thinks it's time for a change, darling!!

I've been meaning to do this for a while, but I'm finally going to do it because if not today, then when? I'm not sure if anything will come out of it, but don't knock it till you try it right? Lol, I'm just chock full of quotes today.

This will be my pepe le pew(gotta love that guy!).

Haha, I really love beginning things, it's just I'm awfully terrible at finishing. Lol, for some reason as I was writing that, it sounded British in my head. O.o

In a nutshell, it's going to be a positive journal. Positive thinking. Positive thoughts. Positivity like that person who you see is absolutely glowing at six in the morning. Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration, I'm not gonna lie. I'll NEVER be that person, simply because I am not a morning person. But I want a better grasp of my life. I want to be able to look at my future and notice all the good things that could happen instead of all the bad things that could happen. I mean there is two sides of a coin, and I've been way too fixated on one side for way too long. If this doesn't work, then nothing lost on me, but if it does, I'm hoping I'll be a little bit happier. And if there's anything I ever wanted in my life, it was to be happy. I still and will always want, to just be happy.

I'm just going to start with one...and maybe, if I get the hang of this, I'll start increasing how much I put.

So day 1)

something positive:
I was able to talk to my friend today. I drive her to school, and last week I was in a bit of a mood so the car was filled with awkward silence...and tidbits of oh, it's suppose to rain today? Lol, weather is always safe. But, I got to laugh and smile and talk even though those are things I haven't done lately...I'm grateful I at least have one friend, even if we're not the best of friends, just having someone that will talk to something that I've taken granted for years. Nicest twenty minutes of my day!!

Oh, I can't help but put this in since it's one of the joys of my life: my manga updated!!! Gosh, there's something seriously wrong with my brain. Every time I think of something good, it tries to counteract it with something negative. Stop it brain. Seriously. I ain't got time for your negativity. I'm trying to live here. It's called Mahou Tsukai no Yome and I'm loooving it! <3

something I accomplished:
I think this is the reason why I wanted to start this blog. absolutely positively(lol) awful at talking. This includes in person, in text, on the phone...any sort of contact with humans or even animals in general have me so anxious, it feels like my heart is going to pound out of my chest and my brain is going to blow up from all the thoughts. But, here comes the good news :P, I had to make appointments today, one for my eye and one for my passport. I did it! I talked to them and was able to make the appointment! That's big for me. So good job me. You did well. I'm proud of you. Lol. I can hear the negative thoughts creeping in now, but I'm going to halt you negative thoughts. I DID do well. I did take a step. And I overcame the obstacle placed in front of me. Soooo...YAY ME!!! XP

something I look forward to tomorrow:
...not gonna lie, but I knew this was going to be the hardest one. I've always been the type of person to dread tomorrow, so I have to think a lot for this one. Oh! Lol! Food! I get to eats spaghetti tomorrow! Oh my gosh, and it's soooo good! I love spaghetti!'s my breakfast so I can look forward to it in the morning!!! And it's made by my mom so it's not like the American style spaghetti, but the meat is actually mixed in with the sauce so there are no meatballs. But! with every bite you get sauce, noodle, and meat!!! It's daebak! The best! And I'll probably put chili peppers to make it just the right amount of spicy, and oh my goodness, I can't wait to eat it!!! It's so yummy!!! :D

Lol, I wrote bunches even though it's only one thing. I've always been a writer and proud of it!! So that's it for today. Lol, for some reason my hands still feel the urge to write, so I'll probably go work on one of my in progress writings. or not. lol.