Monday, May 30, 2016

So dance alone to the beat of your heart ♪ ┌|゜з゜|┘

“I am participating in the Writing Contest: Writers Crushing Doubt. Hosted by Positive Writer.” See more at: 
copy and paste:
direct link:

I read the topic, and then realized it would take me too long to write and to be honest I didn't know how to start. I stopped writing a couple years ago and just recently started writing again and for the life of me, I couldn't remember why I stopped. As I was brushing my teeth, I tried to remember and then it hit me. 

I had published my writing online to get feedback. It was an easy way to see how people would respond to my writing, and it also gave me the power of anonymity. I should have known better. I know that in this world you can't please everyone and that it's nearly impossible to get everyone to like you...but still, I had held onto the thought that people are nice. I mean they are nice, but they can be quite harsh too. I guess I had blocked out that last half. After all, people aren't just a single hue; they're way more complex.

I got a comment that basically said my writing was trash; I should never write again; and, that next time I thought about posting a story, I should just was like a bolt of lightening. I'm not going to lie. I read the comment several times, shut off my computer, went into the shower, and cried. I cried, and then I got angry. Who was one person to tell me what my writing was?  Very quickly though, the anger settled into doubt. What if my writing really was trash? Maybe all my teachers before had simply been placating me. After all, not everybody could be a writer...

I'm not a professional writer. Nor did I ever claim to be. I just like writing. It was as simple as that; I should have kept it as simple as that. 

The human brain is amazing and tragic in its ability to forget. If I hadn't forgotten about that incident, I might have been plagued forever with the nasty taste that one person had left. Now that I remember and look back on it, I can honestly admit, the story wasn't amazing, but it wasn't trash either.  It was on a site where everyone was free to post the stories that they had created and then get constructive criticism. I should have focused more on the positive comments instead of that one negative one, but bad things tend to stick more than good things. I'll still never understand people who intentionally make others feel small by insulting them, but, the thing I'm most sorry about is that I let one person taint a hobby that made me happy. 

My story isn't inspiring. It's not even motivational. I wasn't able to overcome that obstacle. I let it get to me. I fell down and didn't get back up. 

But I think what counts is that, now, I have gotten over it. I'm not staying down. I write and I'm still not a professional writer, but, I get to do the thing I love once again. I take what others say into consideration, but I don't let it control me. I let that past incident be a learning experience. 

It wasn't me personally that overcame writer's doubt, but more of time's influence. I don't know if that's cheating, but I'm grateful. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Make it alright Need a little sweetness in my life ♬

1. Music ♪ It's gotten me through my anger, my sadness, and allowed me to express my joys and happiness. How do they come up with such catchy melodies? It's odd though that some of the catchiest songs have the, to put it nicely, oddest lyrics. Lol. Like the pepperona song. It's soo catchy; but it's lyrics are nonsense(though I have to admit, I love me some pepperoni XD). Same thing with some of the catchy pop songs nowadays. Some of them literally are just bedroom talk, put to a catchy tune. The song I used in the title is another example. It's crazy catchy but the lyrics are just basically pick up lines. Lol. Not that it's bad, but my favorite songs are the ones with a good melody + meaningful lyrics. But you know, everyone can't be a winner. :O

2. Uno. Battleship. Legos. Pop ups. Recorders. Harmonicas. Stickers. Blow up balls/bats. Nerf guns. Mini golf Styrofoam kit. Launch across. Yu-gi-Oh/Pokemon/Maplestory cards. Dominoes. Lol, the song for this post should have been Fall Out Boy's "Thanks for the Memories~". I just had an intense 20 game of launch across and basketball launch across and lol it was about 16 to 4. Lol, In the 20th game, I thought about letting the kid win, since you know I kind of totally destroyed him, but my inner glee took over, and I kind of feel bad now. He was sulking and then is taking a nap now. I used to let him win when we were kids, so he wouldn't get mad, but for some reason I thought he'd be able to handle losing...I was wrong. Soooo wrong. Lol. But it was fun. I haven't laughed with my brother this much in a while. XD My throat seriously hurts from literally rolling on the floor laughing!!! :D

3. Parents. And their seemingly unending affection for their children. Yesterday when I was cleaning things out, I found a PS2 in my brother's closet, and so we plugged it up and turned it on, but only the green light showed and the fan worked, but the tv just kept saying no signal and the eject button wouldn't turn on let alone eject. Lol, so what do I do? I take out my handy dandy screwdriver and penlight and start unscrewing stuff with the help of youtube and my little brother. Lol. Turns out there was a loose screw inside. I shook the PS2 and it fell out. Then I was almost done unscrewing everything when there was this one stubborn screw near the fan that would just not unscrew. It was irritating. I swear we spent 30 minutes trying to unscrew it. Lol. So then we just looked at each other and gave up.(Lol, seriously spent about 4 hours on the thing and then we just gave up :-?) Screwed everything back in and then plugged it up and turned it on again. Lol, but this time, the what's suppose to be green light just stayed red and the fan never turned on, and well turns out I broke it even further!!!! I was talking with my mom and turns out that PS2 was struck by lightening. O.O Enough said.

4. Apples. Manzanas. Sagwa. Are a heck of a lot sweeter than I thought they were, and you know what they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away!! Lol, saw this thing on instagram where a girl is teleporting this apple and a doctor is screaming: "Keep it away!!!" Lol. If only. :O)

5. Umbrellas. Aren't they adorable? Lol. I carried one when I went walking today because the weather was looking shady and it's seriously so fun!! I can use it as a cane, this is sooo fun! Or on my last lap, I carried it around like a gun on my shoulder, you know how guys do it in the army? Like that. It was always my dream to join ROTC, but I could never do a push up. My poor nooodly day, one day they'll be able to boast completing a push up...or a pull up. Either one is good. :) (*^▽^*)

Water count:1.5...urk. I think I'm not doing so well, bc I know what happens when I drink so much water. I pee. A lot. So much that I wonder how people who drink a lot of water do it. I seriously had to get up and pee every 15 minutes. I didn't even drink as much water as I peed? What? Lol, but I'll keep trying to get the 8 cup daily recommended.

Math problem:
Addition: 32! Woo, that was a close one! But new high score!!!
Subtraction: 3...well, working on it/!!
Multiplication: 7...still good!
Division:0...they were hard today and I'm feeling sleepy~
Mixed Ops: 6; my eyelids are getting heavier and heavier~

...don't judge me, but that fudge cake I made along with the 12 cupcakes...I devoured 1/2 of the cake and 6 of the cupcakes. :X It was soooooooo~ good! I think my greatest creation!! (´∇ノ`*)ノ Shh, don't tell though. The cake is MINE!!! Mwahahsahdhhah. Seriously, so delicious!!! <3,l

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

You watch me bleed until I can't breathe Shaking, falling onto my knees ♫

And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches

aH. So catchy~ヽ(*゚ー゚*)ノ

1. ...I think I said the internet already, but still. Totally grateful for it because how else would I know how to bake a cake with sparse ingredients. I say bake, bc it's baking rn and I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. O.o. Hopefully ok, since the recipe is a bit of a deviation. As long as it's sweet and a slight resemblance to cake, I think I'd be ok c eating it...I think. Update in an hour when I'm done with it. Hey Hey hey~~ Lol. It's done cooking. Lol, the recipe said to cook for an hour and 15, but I took it out about 50 minutes, bc I don't like it to be too dry and it tastes delicious!!! Yum. So I was stuck between putting powdered sugar on top or cool whip. I tried both. And cool whip wins hands down. Lol,  but it actually might be better without anything on it. Url link:; And I didn't use 15 oz, bc I only had 1 1/2 cup of chocolate syrup(so much cheaper than buying cocoa powder) so I added a bag of hot don't know if that mattered or not. Also at the beginning I didn't read that it said a cup of butter and just chunked a butter in and started mixing. It turned out chunky. Lol, so I had to put it in the microwave and then mix again. Always learning! And it's cool bc the cupcake/cake turned out edible and that's all that matters~~!! :)

2. Ovens. And microwaves. I mean what? Although I am kind of sad I miss out on the whole fire! Fire bad! thing. And you know the ability to roast marshmallows whenever, ovens and microwaves are really, really convenient. We got some smart cookies in the world.

3. When I was shopping for my carpet cleaner, I was digging around for a penny because the total came out to be 2.51 and the guy was all, "don't worry about the penny." What? Lol. It may not mean a lot to other people, but that was seriously nice of him. That's never happened to me before. I mean wouldn't he come up short later when he had to close the register? Hmm, w/e, I thanked the guy and made my merry way home. So I was just thankful for things like that, that can just make the day so much better. XD

4. Garage door openers. These things are amazing. I didn't want to grab my key when I was leaving the house, so I just went to my car and grabbed the garage door opener. Lol, and I used that to get back into the house. Isn't that nice~ :O

5. My brother gave me putty. Lol. It was yellow and squishy. Wasn't that nice that he remembered me? Lol, yes, bc he's a teenager and teenagers are iffy at best, but isn't he sweet? Lol, I'm glad I'm not an only child. It was his last day too, so when he got home he was all:


Accomplishments(bc I think it's good to remind myself of the things I've done, even if they're little things.):
1. I walked to the store to buy carpet cleaner. Lol, let me just say these are the best things ever. You just sprinkle them on your carpet, wait a bit(2-5 minutes), and then vacuum it up. It leaves the place smelling fantastic!!! Lol, no I didn't vacuum today, that's for tomorrow. ;) There was only a lavender and vanilla flavor, but I figured that was better than nothing.
2. I've started the cleaning process! It's time to clean, clean, and clean to get ready for when school starts.
3. I lost my box for my rental books. I ripped my room apart trying to find it but, no luck. Man, I was really angry, but I was all, sigh, I have other things to do, so I'll just deal with it later. And guess what? Guess what??? O_O When I walked to the store, the guy was restocking the shelves and lo and behold what was presented before my eyes??? A box that was the perfect size to fit my 2 textbooks(mind you these two things weigh together 18 lbs and can't be held with one hand, so I needed a pretty big box; darn college.). So I got my courage up and asked if I could have it. He was all, sure, why not. I was all yay! Thank you~ Lol, it was a nice turn of events and kind of made my day! :) Lol back to the point. I boxed up and taped the box so all I got to do now is drop them off at the post office before next week, which is when they're due. :)

Water count: 2 cups. Lol. Today was not a water day.  I'll be honest...I really don't like the taste of water. The only time it tastes good is after exercise. I have this mug that I bought from A to Z and it's awesome! It fits exactly 2 cups of water, so I only have to fill it 4 times a day to get my, but wouldn't you know that's the hardest part~!! Lol, I really don't like standing there waiting for the water to fill, but I convince myself to do it by treating it as an exercise. Lol, hey walking to the water cooler will help you get off the couch~ Lol, it works sometimes but most of the time it's just w/e. I really want an 8 cup cup, so I can just fill it once and bam. Once I'm done, I'm done. ヾ| ̄ー ̄|ノ

Math problem:
Addition: 29 Woooo! Getting better!!! <3
Subtraction: 5 gawrsh. Breaking the high score is hard...but I'll keep trying. :)
Multiplication: 10! Yes!!! New high score!!! ヾ(*⌒ヮ⌒*)ゞ It's getting easier!!!
Division: 3! Yay, another new high score!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially for division which is so dificil~
Mixed Ops:  13!! Yeah!! today is just breaking scores day!!!♪└|∵|┘♪

Season 6 Episode 5 of The Middle. Axl spoke to me man. Lol. He's right. I had that same thought process. People always tell you what to do and than when college hits, they all leave you alone and you've...just got to figure things out. It is scary. I'm thankful the writer was able to put this fear into a relatable tv show so kids can realize that they're not alone. It's normal to be scared. It's ok to freak out, but don't stay freaked out. Lol. You'll figure things out and don't forget that you can always ask for help. :O :)

Monday, May 16, 2016

♫ This is the clock upon the wall This is the story of us all ♪

1. So many manga updates!! Thank you translators and uploaders and writers, and just well everybody that works on these mangas!! Thank you!! <3 You guys seriously make my day. Especially since I live here where there aren't mangas so readily available like in other countries. The recent update on Seishun x Kikanjuu has made my day!!! (I love all the characters, they all have their own lovable personality :P)

2. Anime creators. 'specifically the creators of Sakamoto-kun!! (lol, that's not the anime's name, but the main lead's name. He's the coolest. Lol. You'll get it if you watch it.) And then the amazing creator of Inuyasha with her latest anime Kyoukai no Rinne(I think I spelled that right? Hmm it's something similar to Inuyasha, very episodic; but makes me happy nonetheless to watch :D)

3. And then Running man. My dear beloved running man. What would I do without you? Thank you for existing. They seriously always make my day. And are my go to watch shows. Shout out to all of the running man: Yoo Jae Suk; Kim Jong Kook; Lee Kwang Soo; Ha Ha; Ji Suk Jin; Song Ji Hyo; Kang Gary; All of you guys: kamsahamnida. :) :P

4. Um. There was something specific I wanted to say thank you for today...but I can't remember it now that I'm sitting here. Hmmm. What was it? Oh yeah! The lady at the bank! She was splendidly nice. Idk if she'll follow through on what she said she was going to do, but she was very polite and jsut wonderful. I love encountering people who are courteous and willing to help. It makes me so happy bc it reminds me there are people who are nice in the world. Lol, even if they're being paid to be nice :)

5. The rain!!! Lol. I didn't go walking this morning bc it was "raining". Lol. It really wasn't but I had slept at 3 and was going to wake up at 6 to go, and lol thank you bad weather. I did go yesterday though! I went 3 and 1/2 laps; According to my phone I went ~10,000 steps and 5 miles. Lol, I heard the phone wasn't that accurate though, so y'know. Still, it makes me feel accomplished. :) Hopefully I can sleep early today and go tomorrow. Still working on getting healthy!!

6. Lol. What I meant to say wasn't about the lady in the bank. Though I am grateful for her. I meant to brag about direct tv and its recording abilities!! It's so awesome!! I don't remember if it was on this blog but, I raved like crazy about HD television and how that basically opened me up to a new world. But this recording thing. Man. I know we used to do it with VCR's but this is sooo convenient. I love it!! Especially bc sometimes there's nothing to watch and I can just go watch all my movies I recorded. P.S. Yes, most of them are cartoon/disney/pixar movies. I'll never grow up!! Even if I do grow old!! XD

Lol. So I've been busy watching anime, reading manga, and catching up on my korean shows, so lol yesterday was kind of a catch up day. You don't understand!! I've been constantly reading just school books, and now's my chance to catch up on my reading! Yes, I'mma nerd. But who cares! They all make me so happy!!! ^.^~ 

Water count:5.5...urk. It's so much water. And I have to pee so much! Lol. I've seriously never peed this much in my life. Yesterday I was able to do 6 cups, but haven't been able to drink past 6. Maybe if I started drinking, and yes this is still water. 

Math problem:
Addition: 30 (yesh! new high score!!)
Subtraction: 3 (it's sooo hard!!)
Multiplication: 4 (lol, I can't remember what my old one was...)
Division:1 (haha! I got one right!! Yeah! I'm improving!!! XD)
Mixed Ops: 0; lol I almost got one right...but I spazzed. That's ok. Tomorrow is another day!! I will try again!!

Oh! I remember now! I've been having these weird, WEIRD, dreams. And well one was yesterdays: I was a part of the Cheetah Girls. Lol. And it turned out that they had got back together but they kicked me out. And there was something about Raven(oops, I don't remember her name when she was in the cheetah girls), but she betrayed me, and anyways, that's not the cool thing about this dream. Raven was showing me pictures of her and the Cheetah girls and the dream turned HD!! WHAT??? Everything was crazy clear. It was like watching a movie in HD. I've never had a dream that was so crystal clear! And it was in color, because I remember the brillant yellow and orange of the flowers in the background, and gah! Isn't that amazing? There was also a part where I met my old Woodshop teacher and left my notebook in his class, but when I went back to get it, it wasn't there? So I was in a panic about trying to find it and urg, I woke up panicking that I had left my notebook in his class, and when I woke up, it was just...oh, it was just a dream. LOl.

And the one last night was about that guy in that korean drama greatest love and I forget what he was saying but one of the things was "sprinkle" and I wish I could put an audio recording, bc the way he said it was so...hilarious :P. The sprinkle was about rain I think. There was also another part about the dream, but now that I'm concentrating, I can't seem to recall it. I should have wrote it down. Lol. I wonder if I'll have another weird dream today or not. I want to sleep early. And you know go in the morning walking, but at this point, who knows, right? Lol. 

Saturday, May 14, 2016

♪ My head's spinning around I can't see clear no more What are you waiting for? ♬

So, positivity(lol, it keeps putting a red line under you not recognize me when I'm being positive internet? lol) journal not really working out. Lol, like I said, it started turning into more of a ranting I'm gonna switch lanes for a bit.

Since it's summer, gonna go for a longer journal. And a more structured one. Because no matter how much I try to deny it, I like things to be organized(lol, no matter what my room says). So I'm going to do numbers. And I'm going to do...3? I think journals.and I'll probably switch back to the other one when school comes back bc it's shorter, but who knows, I might stick with this or scrap it and start all anew again, with life, who knows, right? :O :P

1. Lol. My brother lost his water bottle. He put it next to the Sriracha bottle on the side. He looked everywhere for it. I'm not letting him live it down, since he's always commenting about me losing the remote. Lol especially the time where I left it in the refrigerator. And the freezer another time. Lol. DON'T JUDGE ME! XD So thank you little brother for giving me a, and something to hold over on you!! :P
2. I thought it was going to be chilly when I went outside for a walk today, but it turns out it was actually the perfect amount of chill to combat the sweat I accumulated(lol, sorry, tmi, but yes fast walking does cause sweat to show, at least for people like me :P).
3. Authors. From all around the world for letting me experience wonderful adventures from the comforts of my own house, but most importantly for inspiring me to write my own adventures! Lol, if I can finally finish a story, I'd really like to post it on here...or at Lol. Most of my stories are fanfiction(lol, the best invention ever because it means the story doesn't ever have to end!!), but I do have a couple that are based on my own characters.
4. Thank you for whoever invented the internet. Seriously. It's hard to remember the times without it. Lol, though I didn't have it as a child, I've grown too accustomed to it now.
5. My aunts who live close to me. Literally. My aunt and uncle live right next door. And my other aunt lives down 2 streets. It's nice having family closeby. :)

lol, I was going to start low at you know the magic number of 3, but I figure I might as well aim high(lol, what is this, is this positivity rubbing off on me? Was it totally not worthless? :)). And then I'll adjust it as I go on.

Water count: lol water count? What could that mean? No this is not the amount of water ballons I will be tossing at people. Nor is it the amount of raindrops that have fallen. This is of course the long awaited, me, trying to accommodate the daily ritual of 8 cups of water a day. Le gasp. 8 cups? 8 CUPS when you don't even drink 1 cup most days? Lol. Yes. This is actually a really big thing. I don't drink water, and I should. Lol, there goes my brain commenting unnecessarily again with "well there are lots of things you should do, aren't there?" So brain(if you're so smart, why don't you start memorizing things instead of making naggy comments about my life? Lol, every time I use the word nag, that song made by Cosmo, about Wanda plays in my head("nag it to the right. nag it to the left. nag it all day and night~" Lol, something like that.): 6 cups. Lol. didn't make my goal on the first day, but that's ok. Tomorrow's another day! :D

Math problems (lol, don't laugh! Even though I'm smiling while I write this. I know how to add and substract and lol this is not for a college course or anything. I just want to be able to do mental math. This is something that I've been sporadically working on, but since it's summer and I have a lot of time on my hands, I'm going to give it a go again. By mental math I do mean adding and subtracting 3+ greater numbers without having to write it out. But most of all, I want to be able to multiply big numbers in my head. I think people who can do that are just swell. Lol. I love that word. People should use it more; but I used it once and the other person laughed 'cause they thought I was being sarcastic. I wasn't. Boo. :'( Lol. It's ok. At least, I know what I meant.:): Actually I forgot I had a mental math app(lol, it's literally called Mental Math)  so I'll just post the high scores for each one and try to beat them each day and if I don't that's ok too, bc practice is better than not not practice! :D:
Addition: 23
Subtraction: 5 lol gotta work on this, that's so bad!!
Multiplication: 2 lol, looks like my subtraction is better than my multiplication! Lol, at least I got 2 right. :P
Division: 0; lol, it's getting progressively worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then again, I never learned how to divide 4 digit numbers by 2 digit least not mentally, but just imagining how cool it would be to be able to do this in my head in the future, is encouraging, me to keep trying, so I will!!!
Mixed Ops: 6!!! Lol, I got one of the division ones right!!!!!! Yippee! And I got lucky bc most of those were addition. Hehe. my defense, I did this on hard...:( :O XD Lol. But seriously, I'll get better!!! >:D
And this also is a good baseline.

I wonder if I'm being too ambitious?. Lol. It's ok. Being ambitious is better than having no plan at all. I think. Lol. Sorry too much commentary today. But since it's yet another beginning. Well, hopefully this will be able to last for a while. But I'm not sure. I just want to try something so that by the end of this summer I'll be at least a bit of a better person. Whether it be a bit smarter, a bit more positive, or a bit more compassionate. Hopefully not worse. Lol.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Try and turn the tables I wish you'd unclench your fists And unpack your suitcase Lately there's been too much of this But don't think it's too late ♫


Gosh, I can finally breathe again!!!!!! shut up part of my brain that's whispering "for now." I'll get to it when I get to it. Dang party pooper won't even let me enjoy my fruits of labor.

I was gonna put an ascii picture of a person doing a victory dance, but 1) I am no artist my dear, and 2) I can't find one on the internet lol.

So instead, here's an ascii art of a bunny, just bc bunnies:

(")_(")   and then another just bc, you know bunny.  ::: (\_(\
                                                                                   *: (=’ :’) :*
                                                                                   •.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»

Lol. Aren't they sweet? Positive:
I got the results for my test yesterday afternoon. Lol, I kept checking online to see if she posted the score. It was driving me nuts. But since, I seriously stayed up to 3 in the morning studying, I passed out about 9 last night. Lol, earliest I've slept in a while.

Man, that was hardcore studying though, I even did the whole, record yourself and then play it while you sleep thing. Idk if it worked, since I didn't dream about anything that was in my notes, but it did help to listen to it when I was paying attention. Lol I would get to listen to the first 10 minutes, and then I passed out.

I did some things I've been meaning to get done. Fixed my social security card problem. Used all the money on my school card. Lol, and yesterday I started the process of cleaning. Got to get rid of this semester's accumulated trash.

I thought about keeping it since I'm a perpetual hoarder, but I don't want too much luggage.

Aha! When I got my results yesterday I was in my room and I JUMPED ON MY BED OUT OF JOY. IT WAS AWESOME!! lOL, until I heard a crack. Lol. People like me probably shouldn't jump on a bed. Lol. It was fun and reminded me of the trampoline we used to have. I would have jumped more, if I wasn't so afraid the bed was going to break. But it was fun, and something I've never done before, but now I see why people do it. It makes me want to get a bed that I could jump or just get a trampoline.

Looking forward to:
SUMMMMMMMMMMER!!! IT'S FINALLY HERE!!! TODAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF FINALS!!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow is the weekend, but you know what, for the next 3 months, it'll be a weekend!! insert evil cackle!! Man, I'm gonna miss summer.

Not to be a bummer, but this is legit going to be my last summer ever. Next year by this time, I should either be in a job...or lol, there's really no other alternative. I have to have a job by then, bc I'll be done with school!!!!!!!! Gah!!! 1 more year, and I'll be done with college!!!!!!! That means, lol, I'll finally be getting on with my adult life! No~ Lol. Yes? Idk.

The frick? What the heck is wrong with her? I give respect to those who give me respect. If you're going to talk to me with an attitude, you're going to be getting attitude back. And if that makes me a brat well then fine. this is going to be my bratty years then. Bc, heck, I was a dang good child. I did everything I was told. Not once did I break the rules. Gosh, I want to move out sooo bad. I can't stand the nagging anymore. Idk if this is moodswings for me or what, but I know, my mom's done a lot for me. Heck she's done everything. But every time she talks, it just irritates me. I've been here way too long. But again, I can't move out until I get a job.  Ugh. I just read what I wrote. I really am a brat. I've calmed down. Lol, I'm watching Aladdin.

And no really. I am a brat. A totally worthless one. Gosh. I need to work on my heart. I am grateful for all she's done. I'm sorry for the rant, mom. Just going through my teenage even though I'm no longer a teenager.

Man wouldn't it be nice to have a magic carpet? :P Or a genie? Or a pet monkey? Lol. Or a pet tiger? I was going to get a goldfish today, but...even though goldfishes are only 17cents. Turns out to be a suitable living space for them is about 300 bucks. Lol. What? I mean, turns out they're suppose to grow to be a feet long...and my little goldfish, would be too cramped for it. So, tis for another day.

I'm on a disney marathon.

And I promised my brother a couple weeks ago, that since it's summer that I would go walking. Lol. 3 hours in the morning. And then 1 hour in the afternoon.

Bro. Dude. This is not cool. I weighed myself and I've gained about 10 lbs since I started college. Stupid stress eating. Hopefully I'll be satisfied with my weight by the end of this summer. And Lol, I wrote promise. But I meant bet. I don't remember the amount he either said 50 or 100 dollars. We never actually pay each other, but it's fun to pick an amount.

Lol. Haven't you ever thought that it would be fun to live in a place with princes and maids and? Lol a chance to fall in love with a different social class? Man, time travel. Man disney makes it look so fun.

Lol. "I didn't expect you to answer!!" Talking animals too. Lol, wait no. Yeah? Would that mean I'd have to be vegetarian? IDK. I don't want to think about this.

I got to get my act together. This summer will be meaningful. >:D

Gah!! See, dreams do come true!!!!Or rather, hard work does pay off!! :O XD

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

♪ I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go. And help us to be wise in times when we don't know Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace To a place where we'll be safe

Please. Tomorrow. Let tomorrow go well. Please. Please let me remember the things I need to remember. Please, please, I really want to pass. This is going to be my constant prayer until tomorrow is over. Please God let me remember the stuff I studied. Please let this not be ridiculously hard. Please, God. Let me make it through tomorrow in one piece. Please let me make it through Thursday...please...don't let the final be hard. I heard it is and that's why I'm studying, brain feels like it's falling out. I can't believe I did this to myself. I should have done better earlier instead of scraping by on that last last test. I do this to myself every semester and please, let this be my last struggling one. He even gave us the reading assignments for next semester so I can get a head start. And please, please, I really don't want to be the only one that fails, God. Please. God. Please. I can't. I know, that this is pretty dependent on myself, but...I can't help it. When things get rough, I go to you. And while I know that isn't always good, bc things are according to Your will. Well. I feel better knowing that you haven't let go. Sorry. Sorry. Thank you. And Sorry. Sorry God. And Thank you again.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

(-‿◦) ☼ ❊ ♫ This is my fight song Take back my life song Prove I'm alright song

~And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me~

chu chu chu.
This is probably the most important part bc I should never, ever forget the little things in life. I have many, many things to be grateful for. And I should dwell on those, instead of what I don't have. 

The harshest critic, I think, is myself. I expect a lot from myself. I expect myself to be the smartest one, the most attractive one, the most liked one...but...I should look at things from others views to. 

To my mom: I'm the most beautiful child in the world. The smartest.  

Lol. I'm not bragging I swear. It's just I get into moods when I look at pictures or those reflective moments where I compare myself to others and it's just...DON'T. Why do that? It doesn't do anything but bring myself down and if I do bring myself up, it's only by bashing on other people. 

It's just. I'm grateful for today. Bc I forget it a lot. But at least there's one person in the world, who thinks the world of me. I'm grateful that I mean something to someone. 


Looking forward to:
I thought I needed someone who would be forceful. By that I mean uninhibited and just straight up pursues me...but that's not my style. I don't like that. It makes me feel attacked. You know like an animal you can't just start by picking it up and squeezing it and hugging it and start loving on it. No. No bro. No. You got to take your time developing a bond with it. And then you can start to casually, gently, approach. Lol. yes. That's what I need. To be cautiously approached. Then once deemed safe, and no longer a stranger, then I may start to open up more. Or something like that. Don't attack me. Don't just relentlessly push your friendship onto me. While friends are nice...I'm not quite sure how to deal with you.

Looking forward to:
getting stuff done. It's starting to wind down. Got to get all my affairs into order.

Friday, May 6, 2016

And I... am feeling so small It was over my head I know nothing at all ♬

Hehe. Well. Today worked out as it was intended to work out.

I even went on a 40 minute walk after this 12 hour day. Lol. I just woke up. I got home at 7. Walked. Showered. And then passed out until now....11 at night.

My sleeping schedule is screwed but oh well. I got through today. I got through today. I got through today!! Lol. If this was a show you could see me grooving. My hips are moving~LOl. :) I actually am not a fan of that song, but the melody is so catchy. My body moves before my brain can say, nooooo(or like lee kwang soo andwaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! lol).

I survived! I survived! Lol. That's one goal met. One finishing line passed. Got 1 more to go!! 1 more!! 1 more socialization event in my repertoire. Watch out world...I might actually one day, become socially competent. Hah! Lol. Don't write me off yet! But, lol, don't make me your biggest target ok? Don't mark me as the strongest enemy and barrage me with misfortune huh? Please. Lol.

I sent the emails I had to send. Got the replies I wanted to see. Lol. It's weird to see things working out this way...??? Lol so unfamiliar.

People who are waitresses and waiters are amazing. He memorized our orders. That's a wonderful gift. At least I think so. There were 8 of us. I can barely remember my families birthdays, but these guys, wow. Work with what your mama gave you. er. or daddy gave you? or lol, what you were just naturally born with? Hehe.

Ack. I just want to scream. In a good but confused way? God is seriously someone whose plan I'll never figure out. But one thing that He constantly keeps reminding me of is that, I know nothing at all~ But, if I just lean on Him, everything tends to work out. Not in the way I planned, lol never in the way I planned actually, but well that's probably asking for too much anyways. Urk. I just got an email from att. And I'm a bit worried about this company guys. It feels like I'm always getting charged for something else or another...when I clearly asked if I would be charged...urk. Please let everything be right...if not, I really might cry, bc I'm getting sick of having to go and explain and ask when it should really be as simple as you give me bill, i pay bill.

Not this game of you give me bill, i look at bill, see charges that make no sense, i go talk to you, you go talk to another person, that person talks to another person, and then i just get charged with a late fee trying to figure everything out. so really what you guys are telling me is that i should just turn my head against these hidden charges or else i'll end up paying even more? BS. I wish I didn't have to have a cellphone to live in this era. Hm, but i don't think i could function in modern society w/o one, unfortunately. Not that I use mine that much, but it is handy for emergencies. I just wish...we didn't have to get charged for it. We really do find ways to make money about everything.

I'm just waiting for the day they charge us for but we humans are adaptive...what if we learned how to breathe underwater then? That would be kind of cool actually. Then I could even learn how to swim. :) 2 birds. One shot. Kapow.

Looking forward to:
Tomorrow is the weekend!!!!!!!!!! I'm almost home free!!!!!!! 1 more week. 1 more week. 1 more weeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday, May 5, 2016

♪ (/。\) Everybody's got a dark side Do you love me? Can you love mine? ♪ (✿´‿`)

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it~

Lol. This is sometimes why I wonder if I have different people living inside of me. It was dark yesterday. Really dark. Lol and I'm not talking about the weather. The weather was actually really pretty yesterday. And I honestly don't like that part of me, but everyone's got a dark side. Even those people who seem like they got their lives together and are just perfect looking. They all got their bad days, and its ok. The thing, is you don't stay down. You don't...just give up. Even though that seems like it's the easiest thing to's not. 

That part of me that's screaming at me, so loud it seems to permeate every single part of me:

"You're worthless."
"You're wasting your life away?"

"Who do you think you are?"
"You'll never be happy."

"No, one will ever want you."

"You're ugly."

"You're stupid."

"You're fat."

If someone tells you something long enough, even if that someone is yourself, start to believe them. 

Well in retaliation. The good part of me. The one that's small and cowers in the corner under these insults. That part of me is growing. And instead of listening to these insults, instead of being swayed in the east wind, it's time to retaliate:

"I'm working on it."

"One day at a time."

"I am happy. But I can also be sad, and mad without turning into a person that's solely, unhappy. "

"I don't have to know everything, or even who I am right now, right this minute. It's a process. A long one. I am a work in progress...and that's ok."

"I have family. So what the heck you mean, no one wants me? We can be hateful. We can be mean. We can be angry with each other. But at the end of the day. We're family, and to me, and to them, that means we'll always want each matter what."

"Lol. I'm pretty sure that part of my brain was talking about love. Not of the family kind. But in that aspect. Being married. Dating. Finding "The One." It's not everything. It shouldn't have to be. And que sera, sera. Being in love doesn't equate to being happy."

"It's not a waste. Each day. Each breathe I take. I'm making the choice to continue on living. And that in itself, may not seem big to some people, but it's EVERYTHING. So don't you tell me my life is a waste. So I'm not saving the world. Or being a "productive and normal" member of society. I'm doing what makes me happy. It's a struggle, but that struggle is what makes the end result even more precious." 

"...if you have to take a hit at my appearance, you're running out of insults brain. I know I'm not beautiful. At least not the normal standard of beautiful. And no matter what anyone says, I do know that appearance does matter. I'm also not claiming to be the smartest person, or even an intellectual person. I'm not even average weight. I'm on the border of obesity. Fat. Stupid. Ugly. No. When I look in the mirror, I'm not gonna say those things to myself. I'm not going to degrade how I look. I have eyes that get to see the world. And in case you didn't get it, I'm lucky enough to have 2 of them, so I have a good depth perception and peripheral vision. I have a nose that lets me smell all the creations that not only God has made, but what all of his creatures have created. I have lips and a mouth that I'm actually really proud of. They're not the typical pink or red or any other "attractive" adjective people give to lips. They're my father's lips. They're a physical manifestation of our genetic link. But my most favorite thing about my lips is when they smile. When they laugh. Because laughing and smiling is one of the greatest joys anyone could have in life. I don't do it enough, but I'm not gonna lie, my face lights up when I smile. :) I have skin that's blemished and unblemished and scarred and damaged and healed and it's like a record of my time on this world; and that's wonderful. So no. I'm not fat. I'm not ugly. I'm not beautiful. I'm not skinny. I'm not stupid. I'm not smart. I use to wish...just wish all the time when I was little to be these adjectives...but what? I read something somewhere and it sums up what I'm trying to say pretty much: What I want to be: happy. That's it. And actually that choice is up to me. No matter what anyone says. It's up to me." 

I had no class today! 
I'm not hating on myself today. Lol. Yes. Today is a lovable day. 
Lol. And I think I'm going to email them tomorrow. I don't want to just leave it as is. I want to at least try. But I think I want to do it tomorrow bc my courage is at its peak when I'm amongst strangers. It's not recognizing the word amongst. Did I spell that wrong? I don't think so...
I have so many plans once I'm done with finals. What am I going to do??????? Lol. I want to finish my stories. I want to draw things. I want to knit things. I want to cook things. I want to run. I want to walk. I want to see people I haven't seen in a while. I want to talk to people I haven't talked to in a while. I want to read. I want to find someone that'll teach me how to swim. I want to...get my summer started!!!!! Lol. 
I live a simple life. Lol. I wonder if it'll always stay like this? Hm. We'll see. 

Guys. Guys! Guess what? My wall is really weird looking. It's bumpy. Lol. Not like a normal wall. I also love pillows. Wait. I have a point. So I have this pillow that's cylindrical and about as long as my bed, but it has a zippered pillowcase since the shape is so weird. And so, the zippered part scraped against my wall(my bed is aligned right next to the wall). So now where ever the zipper scraped there's these random white spots. It's not even just one or two. It's about a hundred white bumpy spot in just that portion of my wall. 

So I was looking at it. Lol. While reading my manga. And thinking that that was just not boding well with me. So the artistic part of me searched for markers and started filling in the dots. Lol. It doesn't look half bad. But I'm deciding between whether I want a green/red scheme or rainbow scheme. I'm thinking just the two color one...hmm, but I wonder why I never thought about this before? 

Looking forward to:
Tomorrow will be my last 12 hour day for this semester!! Squee. That's amazing! And a great load off of my shoulders. It's going to be a tough day tomorrow. But that's ok. Once it's over the relief is going to be amazing!! ^.^ I'm also going to take some of my notes and plan to make tomorrow a productive day. I'm going to do something instead of just complaining. It's my life. And I don't care how many beginning's or changes I have to make. I may never get this right, but I'm not going to stop trying. Not yet. :P 

I really like making things. But is it weird if I just give it to random people? Lol. Idk. I would be happy to just send birthday cards to people. Homemade birthday cards. Because I like doing that. But lol. I can't just send cards to random people...can I? Lol. Well it wouldn't be a birthday card...bc I don't know their birthdays...maybe I could just send, random cards to people. Idk. That actually sounds fun. LOl. 

It's hard to know

What can become

If you give up

So don't give up on me~

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

I'm tired of being what you want me to be Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface I don't know what you're expecting of me ♫

Every step that I take is another mistake to you~
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

jk. lol. don't worry. it's fine. I'm fine. no. not jk. not lol. These last two weeks are unraveling any and all positive thoughts I have ever had. I can't see the silver lining anymore. I've posted so much negativity on my twitter, it might as well be a black cesspool of despondency. That account has been my sole source of outlet. And~if you don't wanna delve into depressing thoughts that'll probably ruin your day, just stop reading now. Seriously. Even though the format is the same. It's all negative today. Sorry. I just can't do positivity today. I'm drained. 

ha. ha. ha. 
What am I even doing with my life?
What have I been doing all these years? 
What is wrong with me? 
And yes, there is something wrong. I'm tired of the lies. No I'm not a beautiful person. I'm not even a good person. I'm not even nice. But I'm not horrible. Either. Worse. I'm in between. You know that comment how people are like well, so and so is mean, but at least we know so and so is mean. That kid(me) is so wishy washy, I don't know where he/she stands. 


Who am I?
If I could just figure out the person I wanted to be...then maybe I could take a step forward, but I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And, this complacency, this lack of motivation, lack of action, is what's slowly killing my soul. Hah. or at least what's left of it. 
I want to go back. 

I want to go back to a time when I was happy with just getting to watch television. Happy, just getting to see my cousins. When happiness was more important than this irritating self consciousness that gets me nothing but down. Why do I care what other people think? People are going to hate me no matter what. They're going to talk no matter what? I know this. But why can't I stop caring? 

just do something. Anything. Please. Please move. Please don't keep sitting there. Stop. Please. My hands keep typing, but nothing else is moving. It's like I've already lost. 

I actually had a couple things I had accomplished that I wanted to write about, but...I'll do that tomorrow. Today's going to be downer. Today's going to be dark. Today's going to be...I wish my last day...hah. Don't worry. There are still things I want to do in life. Lots of things. Lots and lots of things before I die. 

Looking forward to: 
I think I did this wrong guys. This is not how a positivity journal is suppose to go. I was suppose to become a happier person. A person who was better able to deal with life and its BS. I was suppose to develop courage to live life how I wanted to live. To not be afraid to talk to other people. To not be afraid to do things. Anything. Anything. I wish I would just move. Just be courageous for one moment. Just...take that step, please. Please. please. Stop standing there like you're chained, when the only thing holding you down is yourself. PLease. 

The thing is that, even though I know this. I freaking know this. But I can't do anything about it. My body won't move. My mouth won't open. My eyes don't make contact. I'm so sorry. So sorry to anyone who's ever met me. I'm so sorry to anyone I've ever talked to. I'm so sorry. It's days like this that remind me why I should never have a child. If my child had the thoughts I was would kill me. No one should have these thoughts. No one should have to feel like their existence was...meaningless. And...I don't want to feel this way. I know it's not true, bc I have family...


heh. Guess, I should at least end on a positive note. This song, I'm grateful, that even though this depressing feeling is soul sucking, it's better than being numb. I'd rather feel miserable like I am now, than not to feel anything at all. Lol. At least I think so. I still have fight in me, so even though my heart and soul and mind are all telling me to throw in the towel...I can't just yet. Not yet. Not yet. The world still has color. I still find the sky beautiful and the wind refreshing. I just wish there was a manual on how I'm suppose to live life. I'm a good direction follower. I'm not a leader. I don't know how to lead my life. I'm sorry. For everything. 

I don't want to write anymore. I may not be back for a couple days...or weeks. Idk. I need a break since this isn't going well. Maybe, I have to do a new beginning again...I wish I was able to do something that lasted for once in my life...

Monday, May 2, 2016

So I bare my skin And I count my sins And I close my eyes And I take it in ♪

Idk what is wrong with me today but since about 30 minutes into my 8 o'clock class I started feeling nauseous. I thought it was bc I was hungry. So when I went to eat at 11 I thought the nausea would go away but it didn't and irk my stomach just feels awful. :( I imagine this is similar to morning sickness except I'm not vomiting. Or at least I'm trying not to. Idk how much longer I'm going to last. I still have to present and I have a test and a picture and 2 more classes. And...hey maybe it's bc I only got 4 hours of sleep? I was planning to take a nap like I usually do after lunch, but I had to study today. Maybe the change is messing up my equilibrium. But that might not be all that is. I don't think that that is all though. I wish I could finish this presentation soon.

I'm starting to talk gibberish...

Got presentation done. Finished with one of my finals. Took 2 of my tests. Man, wait a minute this could go under accomplishment. Screw it, I'm combining the two today. Took a shower.

Looking forward to:
Shopping for graduation present tomorrow. Idk if they're even out yet, but we'll see.

Isn't it sad when some relationships end? I mean we weren't close, but it's already about to be over? IDK. just trying to get my life together.

I think I'm gonna get a fish. I wanna get a fish. But I'm suppose to go to Canada this summer. Can I bring my fish with me then? Would it survive such a journey? I don't have friends to give my fish to, and the only people that I know have cats/dogs so the fish might die. I don't want my fish to die. I wish I knew how to take care of a fish. I would love my fish. He would be my fishy. I would name him fishy. Isn't that a nice name?

I should study. FINALS~~~ FINALS~~~~ No that's not a ghost. It's my soul screaming for mercy.

I feel dirty. In body and feelings. Not dirty perverted feelings. But dirty like bad dirty. Like I did something wrong...but not sure what I did wrong. I'm sorry.

I bet I do a lot of things wrong. I'm just not quick enough to catch my insults. I really don't mean to. At least I don't think I do. Once again, I'm sorry. Not that you're reading this, whoever I've insulted...or maybe you are? Lol. One last time, I'm sorry. That sounds sarcastic. Can writing sound sarcastic? I was being sincere. Really. It stills looks sarcastic. . Let's just conclude with I'm a bad person and I should spend summer bettering myself.

I need to drink the rest of this milk. It's in a really big cup. Like a teacup. You know those things you spin on at the amusement park? But smaller? Lol. That'd be cool to have at home though I don't like being dizzy. It'd just be a cool chair. Hahaha, I could put milk in it and have a GIANT teacup of milk. Or coffee. I bet I'd be razzed for days.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. What to do. What to do. (┐΄✹ਊ✹)┐ Urk. That pit in my stomach isn't going away. I feel like I did something bad...:(

Burp. I finished it. My stomach feels like it's colliding with my heart. It's too full!! But I definitely :) like warm milk better than cold milk. Just something about it.

Hahaha, did I even write anything significant today? Probably not. I'm torn between revealing too much about my life and not enough. It would be scary if somebody I knew found this. I should make things less obvious huh? Idk what I'm talking about anymore. G'night then the other billions of people in the world. May your life be working out better than mine, and if can join my milk party! Or fish party? Or chocolate party? Or we can just sit together and do stuff that normal people do. Lol. IDK what that is. Aw. I was planning to stop writing, but my fingers won't stop.

Seriously. Good night. I got to sleep. The sheeps are calling~ Lol. it doesn't recognize sheeps as a correctly spelled word. Haha, had to ask my brother if I spelled that right. I DID! I knew I knew how to spell. ╭( ・ㅂ・)و ̑̑ "

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Hey, don't write yourself off yet It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. (。☉౪ ⊙。) ♫

~Just try your best, try everything you can. And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away~
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.

Today is pizza day. I haven't had pizza hut in forever! They're probably my favorite place to eat. XD Pepperoni! Pepperoni! PEPPERONI!!! Lol, I'm reminded of the spongebob episode where they place their hands in the air, and say ravioli, ravioli, ravioli! Or something like that~

I read a good manga today. Lol yes, I was suppose to be studying...but I'm doing that now! And isn't that all that matters in the end????? 

Lol, it was called: Torikago no Tsugai. It's a survival story. I love these! And by survival I mean a group of people placed into a place that has traps and games they have to figure out to try and get to the end and survive. WARNING: people are going to DIE. Which should have been given a dead giveway(haha, pun, morbid one, but still...) when I said survival, but just in case you don't like death. But then again who does. Ah, anyways, nd the manga was completed, so booyah! And the art style was pleasing to look at, not my favorite, but tolerable. 

Granted romance is my chink, but I love a good survival manga too. The ending...well, not really satisfying , but I have maybe 2 mangas where I'm ever satisfied with the ending, and I've read a ton of manga, so I just don't like endings in general. I'm glad the male lead wasn't irritating like most male leads in shounen manga. And thank you author for not making this a harem shounen manga. I hate those. But I can understand why it's created that way considering it is written for a male demographic. I just wish those mangas concentrated more on story telling. But I guess the same can be said for shoujo manga. I hate most of the female leads in them too, and I used to be a fan of reverse harem, but now I just can't stand harems anymore bc someone always, ALWAYS, gets hurt. And I don't like that. Well now that I ranted on that...

What I meant to say was that I've been searching for a good manga to read since summer's coming up and all, but the manga I just mentioned is the first one I've read in a while that was actually long, complete, and good to read. So thank you author-san for writing such a wonderful story. :)

I turned in that part I had to was bad, but oh well, I did what I had to do. Hopefully the presentation goes just as well. :( But, well, here's hoping. :I

Looking forward to:
Getting tomorrow's project done and over with. Group projects absolutely slay me. I cannot do them. They burn. I thought it was an individual teaching thing, but then she was all its groups, and I froze up, and urk, I just wanna say, NOT NOW!! This and next week are finals week so it's been frantic. 

Is the font less black today? Idk, it looks that way...

Time~Time~Please make these next two weeks fly by~~

I really hope I survive these next two weeks. It's going to be brutal. This week alone, I've got 3 tests. I've got 1 group project. I've got a "social gathering" that I rea~lly DON'T want to attend bc not only is it at an expensive restaurant, it's with people I wouldn't necessarily classify as "friends"; they're barely even classmates. Urk. I wonder how early I could leave without being "rude". ◍´Д‵◍ aH, and I've got to go shopping for a graduation present, but that part will be fun! I like shopping!! Lol, there's my positive.

Then next week, I got finals. FINALS. That I seriously have to do legit well on. But y'know. No pressure there. PRESSURE! PRESSSUUUUREEE!!! 

...did I mention I don't do well under pressure? Hahahahahahahah, lol, this isn't a funny laugh, it's a hysterical one. (⊙_◎)

WHAT THE EFF? This is why I never wanna get married. This is also why I had planned to move out since I was in junior high, but since I don't work, and would rather not go into debt...THE HECK??? Ungrateful. Why don't you just do it yourself if you're just going to complain about how I do it????????????? What even is that? If you're not even able to show you're grateful...what IS THIS??? Ugh, maybe this is my late teenage rebellion blooming again. Lol. About the marriage thing, I don't ever want to be talked like that, I want to wear the pants in the relationship. The eff, how dare you talk to me like that? Equal my butt. Grr. 

I can't even complete a thought bc this is the dream for me? Have I ever talked about my dream? Well I'll tell you this, it is definelty not the american dream of getting married, having 2.5 children, and then living happily ever after. That's complete and utter boring bologna. 

I don't want to get married. Maybe when I'm like 80, then I can be married for 20 years and then die... but I can't imagine spending >40+ years with a person. And I don't want to have kids either. When I was in junior high(lol those were my future planning days), I said I wanted to adopt. I always wanted to adopt. Because I don't want there to be a kid in the world with half my genes. That's just cruel. My life has not been a cupcake. And bless my kid's heart, I will not make anyone else carry half of my genes, that's just horrible. I don't want to burden a person with that. And then, there's the whole we got a lot of kids in this world that don't have parents already. I should at least try and do something there.

I always wanted to go abroad and work in one of those orphanages, y' know like a manga character? Lol, then find a little sprite that'll be attached to me and we'll bond and that can be my child, and lol I'm revealing too much aren't I? The future is still far wide and open. We'll see. Or rather, God, I leave it up to you what you want me to do. But please, I hope marriage, especially one that's similar to marriages that I see, is not one that I'll have to partake in. 

I've never tried the hand tossed pizza at pizza hut. I usually I just get pan, but they're charging me an extra dollar for that, so I went for the hand-tossed one...I wonder if it's good. It probably is, though bc pizza hut has good pizza. I think. (*☉౪ ⊙。)

Saturday, April 30, 2016

(º̩̩́⌣º̩̩̀ʃƪ) It's too cold outside For angels to fly ♪

I got 12+ hours of sleep!! I showered so now I'm clean and rested up for the next week! Yes! 2 more weeks! I wish I had friends to spend the summer with...but I'll just concentrate on losing some weight...or not really losing wt so my arms don't look like my

on that note, my toes are really weird looking. They look like fingers. Which I guess is kind of cool, but not really? IDK

I didn't say this before bc I forgot, but I think this goes under this category. You know about my social anxiety issues right? Well on pretzel day, lol let me think about when that nvm, let me go google it, it was Tuesday, I got a coupon to get a text saying I could get a free pretzel and so I debated whether to go or not...

Lol, it was free so I really wanted to get it, but then I would have to explain how I had a text and I was supposed to get a free pretzel and what if they didn't know what I was talking about? What if they said I needed a coupon? What if they didn't believe me? ๑ΘдΘ๑

Yup. But, I decided to gather my courage and go. And I got it! And it was good. And I shared it with my mom and brother(except he refused

But I bring it up bc I got another free pretzel coupon but for a different place and I'm suppose to go get it today and all those worries before are starting to crop up and bleck. I can do it right? Lol. I wish I was able to say that confidently.

Looking forward to:
Tomorrow being Sunday! I got a weekend where I can study hard, laugh hard, and just try to survive these next two weeks! :C Lol that was suppose to be a happy face. :D Lol, c, and d are close in the alphabet.  So close enough.

So if you see someone you went to school with, would you go say hi? For me, it's no. I'm the kind of person who once I see someone who could possibly know me, I would duck behind whatever's available, wherebeit a tree, sign, different aisle, or whatever, I can't do it.

And by it, I mean:

"Hey my name!"

"...hey! How are you?"

"Good, how about you?"

"Yup, about the same..."




"...I'll see ya later then ok?" Scurries away as fast as I can without looking back. And that's the sum of most of the conversations in real life except with awkward silences interlaced. A joy isn't it?

Friday, April 29, 2016

'Cause we're young and we're reckless We'll take this way too far ♬

I was young. But I had never been reckless. I mean no parties, no drugs, no dating, no rebellion. I mean just in the past few years is where I've been kind of irritated at my parents or people for no reason, which is symbolic of teenage angst but...I'm not a teenager. Lol.

Like I said, I'm a late bloomer. :)

Another day down, dude! And, no matter what anyone says, making it through each day is amazing!

I...didn't cry. Today was worst than other Fridays bc since there was a bit more freetime, so you know lots of downtime to just stand there and talk. Lol, the WORST situation when you have no friends in the class and are just barely polite(lol this is referring to me, bc while I don't purposely try to be rude, it can be taken that way since I don't make eye contact nor do I immediately respond when called). I can't make conversation bc we switch from there just being 2 people to 7 people in a blink and I can't do big groups. I'm ok. OKAY. in small groups but I practically shrink or rather turn invisible when there's lots of people. I can't seem to find the natural breaks to interject words and when I do think of something, it feels like it's too late, so I always end up just not saying anything. And just thank goodness for the distraction of a phone. And the internet. I can surf you guys for hours.

I sent an email for that volunteer opportunity. I didn't get a reply since it's like a week late. But it looks fun. Hope I get to do it, but you know, at least I tried. No regrets. I also sent a text. Lol. Just 3 that confirmed carpool next week. LOl, progress especially when I just don't text at all. Words can scar man.

Looking forward to:
Sleeping. In. Tomorrow. BECAUSE IT'S SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!! YATTA!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it sad when you find someone who you think is different, but really...they turn out to be the same as everybody else? Which wouldn't technically be a bad thing...unless you yourself(finger guns to myself) aren't like everybody else...Lol.

'Cause, darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream~

lol, not really. It's more like I'm a other comments, that's it. Lol. :O But that's ok. If I'm not happy with myself, then I can't ever expect anyone else to be. So while this may be a long journey to loving myself...I still have quite a while to go considering that people can live to be 100 these days :P

I hope I get the motivation to study tomorrow cause I got a big test and I just need to study bro. Need to study. Aiming for 77 on that final. LOL. I say aiming but that's exactly what I need to pass, so fighting!!

That storm today was brutal though.

I heard there was even hail.

Isn't it interesting that ice falls from the sky? Rain falls from the sky? STUFF FALLS FROM THE SKY????? lol.

I drove in the lightening and it was SO pretty!!! Granted it was kind of scary too but it just felt like I was standing in the midst of something super powerful. The rain was going on for a while so there were puddles everywhere so lights would be reflected in the puddles so it just looked like a long light and I think it's 'cause my contacts are underscript and goodness gracious I think I wasn't even in my lane anymore, I was driving in between the two and thank goodness most sane people are asleep at 6 in the morning. I should have been pulled over by the cops for reckless endangerment, but I guess I should have also woke up a bit earlier so that I wouldn't have had to speed.

There was an "accident", at least I think there was a car accident as I was driving home. And it didn't look bad from what I tried to see. It looked like they had accidentally bumped into the guy's bumper, I didn't see any damage but there probably was some.

Anyways it just reminded me of my car accident. This guy ran into the side of my car and I got pushed off to the side. The left side of the back of my car was completely trashed. The first thing I did was call my mom. Lol, then she called my aunt and brother and basically the whole family. Lol cause that's what we do in my family. Anyways the guy got out of his car and walked over to me, and I get out as he tells me to. Since it's my first accident and I had no freaking clue what to do. He called the cops. And I ask him if he's ok. He talks about his car. Dude.


I ask him if he's ok, even though he crashed into me, and all he cares about is his freaking car?????? Really. And let me just say his freaking car was barely dented. But I had a big hole in mine. Cops came and then he lied. Called in a friend to confirm his lie. And then called in his mom too. This grown up dude he was about 30 freaking called his mom even though I was only 16 years old and then his mom chewed me out for reckless driving when I didn't even do anything. Then they accused me of texting on my phone when lol, get this, my phone doesn't even have texting!! yeah, I've always been old school and couldn't afford messaging on my phone. It was strictly for emergencies only and gosh, thinking about it makes me so mad.


Ok. Apparently yelling bubbles out loud in your angriest voice possible will calm you down and I'm a bit calmer. Anyways, police talked and he kept changing his story. I couldn't say for sure that he ran into me bc it happened so quickly but I can say for sure that he came in from the side cause there was no other way that kind of damage could happen. But I felt bad for him so I just said, I wasn't sure what happened since it happened so fast.

And freaking dude lied.

That's what pissed me off the most. He lied even though before he admitted to running into me.When his mom got there he and his mom talked to the cops and it was such a huge disadvantage that I talked to the cops first. And gah. I should have recorded his confession.

To this day. This is the one guy in the whole world that I hate. And I don't really hate people. I may dislike them, but I wouldn't want harm to come to them.

And honestly I thought I was over this, but thinking about it, I'm not. How can someone do that? So dude that ran into me, I hope karma comes and cuts up your sorry butt.

The officer ruled it as being both of our fault and didn't give us a ticket, but dang, dude, you effing messed up. All you had to do was tell the truth and you straight up lied. I hope that lives on in your conscious forever and haunts you till the day you die. And I know this is horrible, but I hope you die in a car accident. Like a legit accident. And the person who ran into you blames you for it. but you know what you're dead so you can't defend yourself.

Wow, I really am bitter. Sorry for the graphic negativity.

But I'm not going to erase it, bc I have dark thoughts. Morbid evil thoughts.

No one is pure white let alone pure black.

We're all different shades of colors, some darker than others, and you know what, that doesn't have to be a bad thing. :I

I'm starting to fall asleep but I don't want to end on such a hateful note. So here's a joke:

or two. lol that wasn't the joke, here they are:

I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na...

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

If you need help building an ark, I Noah guy.

Lol. ARen't puns hilarious???? They just make my day!!o(*^▽^*)o