Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it~
Lol. This is sometimes why I wonder if I have different people living inside of me. It was dark yesterday. Really dark. Lol and I'm not talking about the weather. The weather was actually really pretty yesterday. And I honestly don't like that part of me, but everyone's got a dark side. Even those people who seem like they got their lives together and are just perfect looking. They all got their bad days, and its ok. The thing, is you don't stay down. You don't...just give up. Even though that seems like it's the easiest thing to do...it's not.
That part of me that's screaming at me, so loud it seems to permeate every single part of me:
"You're worthless."
"You're wasting your life away?"
"Who do you think you are?"
"You'll never be happy."
"No, one will ever want you."
"You're ugly."
"You're stupid."
"You're fat."
If someone tells you something long enough, even if that someone is yourself,...you start to believe them.
Well in retaliation. The good part of me. The one that's small and cowers in the corner under these insults. That part of me is growing. And instead of listening to these insults, instead of being swayed in the east wind, it's time to retaliate:
"I'm working on it."
"One day at a time."
"I am happy. But I can also be sad, and mad without turning into a person that's solely, unhappy. "
"I don't have to know everything, or even who I am right now, right this minute. It's a process. A long one. I am a work in progress...and that's ok."
"I have family. So what the heck you mean, no one wants me? We can be hateful. We can be mean. We can be angry with each other. But at the end of the day. We're family, and to me, and to them, that means we'll always want each other...no matter what."
"Lol. I'm pretty sure that part of my brain was talking about love. Not of the family kind. But in that aspect. Being married. Dating. Finding "The One." It's not everything. It shouldn't have to be. And que sera, sera. Being in love doesn't equate to being happy."
"It's not a waste. Each day. Each breathe I take. I'm making the choice to continue on living. And that in itself, may not seem big to some people, but it's EVERYTHING. So don't you tell me my life is a waste. So I'm not saving the world. Or being a "productive and normal" member of society. I'm doing what makes me happy. It's a struggle, but that struggle is what makes the end result even more precious."
"...if you have to take a hit at my appearance, you're running out of insults brain. I know I'm not beautiful. At least not the normal standard of beautiful. And no matter what anyone says, I do know that appearance does matter. I'm also not claiming to be the smartest person, or even an intellectual person. I'm not even average weight. I'm on the border of obesity. Fat. Stupid. Ugly. No. When I look in the mirror, I'm not gonna say those things to myself. I'm not going to degrade how I look. I have eyes that get to see the world. And in case you didn't get it, I'm lucky enough to have 2 of them, so I have a good depth perception and peripheral vision. I have a nose that lets me smell all the creations that not only God has made, but what all of his creatures have created. I have lips and a mouth that I'm actually really proud of. They're not the typical pink or red or any other "attractive" adjective people give to lips. They're my father's lips. They're a physical manifestation of our genetic link. But my most favorite thing about my lips is when they smile. When they laugh. Because laughing and smiling is one of the greatest joys anyone could have in life. I don't do it enough, but I'm not gonna lie, my face lights up when I smile. :) I have skin that's blemished and unblemished and scarred and damaged and healed and it's like a record of my time on this world; and that's wonderful. So no. I'm not fat. I'm not ugly. I'm not beautiful. I'm not skinny. I'm not stupid. I'm not smart. I use to wish...just wish all the time when I was little to be these adjectives...but what? I read something somewhere and it sums up what I'm trying to say pretty much: What I want to be: happy. That's it. And actually that choice is up to me. No matter what anyone says. It's up to me."
Positive:
I had no class today!
I'm not hating on myself today. Lol. Yes. Today is a lovable day.
Lol. And I think I'm going to email them tomorrow. I don't want to just leave it as is. I want to at least try. But I think I want to do it tomorrow bc my courage is at its peak when I'm amongst strangers. It's not recognizing the word amongst. Did I spell that wrong? I don't think so...
I have so many plans once I'm done with finals. What am I going to do??????? Lol. I want to finish my stories. I want to draw things. I want to knit things. I want to cook things. I want to run. I want to walk. I want to see people I haven't seen in a while. I want to talk to people I haven't talked to in a while. I want to read. I want to find someone that'll teach me how to swim. I want to...get my summer started!!!!! Lol.
I live a simple life. Lol. I wonder if it'll always stay like this? Hm. We'll see.
Accomplishment:
Guys. Guys! Guess what? My wall is really weird looking. It's bumpy. Lol. Not like a normal wall. I also love pillows. Wait. I have a point. So I have this pillow that's cylindrical and about as long as my bed, but it has a zippered pillowcase since the shape is so weird. And so, the zippered part scraped against my wall(my bed is aligned right next to the wall). So now where ever the zipper scraped there's these random white spots. It's not even just one or two. It's about a hundred white bumpy spot in just that portion of my wall.
So I was looking at it. Lol. While reading my manga. And thinking that that was just not boding well with me. So the artistic part of me searched for markers and started filling in the dots. Lol. It doesn't look half bad. But I'm deciding between whether I want a green/red scheme or rainbow scheme. I'm thinking just the two color one...hmm, but I wonder why I never thought about this before?
Looking forward to:
Tomorrow will be my last 12 hour day for this semester!! Squee. That's amazing! And a great load off of my shoulders. It's going to be a tough day tomorrow. But that's ok. Once it's over the relief is going to be amazing!! ^.^ I'm also going to take some of my notes and plan to make tomorrow a productive day. I'm going to do something instead of just complaining. It's my life. And I don't care how many beginning's or changes I have to make. I may never get this right, but I'm not going to stop trying. Not yet. :P
I really like making things. But is it weird if I just give it to random people? Lol. Idk. I would be happy to just send birthday cards to people. Homemade birthday cards. Because I like doing that. But lol. I can't just send cards to random people...can I? Lol. Well it wouldn't be a birthday card...bc I don't know their birthdays...maybe I could just send, random cards to people. Idk. That actually sounds fun. LOl.
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me~
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