I'm tired of being what you want me to be Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface I don't know what you're expecting of me ♫

Every step that I take is another mistake to you~

Become so tired, so much more aware

I'm becoming this, all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

jk. lol. don't worry. it's fine. I'm fine. no. not jk. not lol. These last two weeks are unraveling any and all positive thoughts I have ever had. I can't see the silver lining anymore. I've posted so much negativity on my twitter, it might as well be a black cesspool of despondency. That account has been my sole source of outlet. And~if you don't wanna delve into depressing thoughts that'll probably ruin your day, just stop reading now. Seriously. Even though the format is the same. It's all negative today. Sorry. I just can't do positivity today. I'm drained. 

Positive:

ha. ha. ha. 

What am I even doing with my life?

What have I been doing all these years? 

What is wrong with me? 

And yes, there is something wrong. I'm tired of the lies. No I'm not a beautiful person. I'm not even a good person. I'm not even nice. But I'm not horrible. Either. Worse. I'm in between. You know that comment how people are like well, so and so is mean, but at least we know so and so is mean. That kid(me) is so wishy washy, I don't know where he/she stands. 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO????? HOW DO I BECOME MYSELF? HOW DO I EVEN KNOW WHO I AM? HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS? WHEN DID I BECOME SOMEONE UNFAMILIAR? WHEN DID I START TO LOSE MYSELF?

...is there even a part of me, left? 

Accomplishment:

Who am I?

If I could just figure out the person I wanted to be...then maybe I could take a step forward, but I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And, this complacency, this lack of motivation, lack of action, is what's slowly killing my soul. Hah. or at least what's left of it. 

I want to go back. 

I want to go back to a time when I was happy with just getting to watch television. Happy, just getting to see my cousins. When happiness was more important than this irritating self consciousness that gets me nothing but down. Why do I care what other people think? People are going to hate me no matter what. They're going to talk no matter what? I know this. But why can't I stop caring? 

just do something. Anything. Please. Please move. Please don't keep sitting there. Stop. Please. My hands keep typing, but nothing else is moving. It's like I've already lost. 

I actually had a couple things I had accomplished that I wanted to write about, but...I'll do that tomorrow. Today's going to be downer. Today's going to be dark. Today's going to be...I wish my last day...hah. Don't worry. There are still things I want to do in life. Lots of things. Lots and lots of things before I die. 

Looking forward to: 

I think I did this wrong guys. This is not how a positivity journal is suppose to go. I was suppose to become a happier person. A person who was better able to deal with life and its BS. I was suppose to develop courage to live life how I wanted to live. To not be afraid to talk to other people. To not be afraid to do things. Anything. Anything. I wish I would just move. Just be courageous for one moment. Just...take that step, please. Please. please. Stop standing there like you're chained, when the only thing holding you down is yourself. PLease. 

The thing is that, even though I know this. I freaking know this. But I can't do anything about it. My body won't move. My mouth won't open. My eyes don't make contact. I'm so sorry. So sorry to anyone who's ever met me. I'm so sorry to anyone I've ever talked to. I'm so sorry. It's days like this that remind me why I should never have a child. If my child had the thoughts I was having...it would kill me. No one should have these thoughts. No one should have to feel like their existence was...meaningless. And...I don't want to feel this way. I know it's not true, bc I have family...

Just...

heh. Guess, I should at least end on a positive note. This song, I'm grateful, that even though this depressing feeling is soul sucking, it's better than being numb. I'd rather feel miserable like I am now, than not to feel anything at all. Lol. At least I think so. I still have fight in me, so even though my heart and soul and mind are all telling me to throw in the towel...I can't just yet. Not yet. Not yet. The world still has color. I still find the sky beautiful and the wind refreshing. I just wish there was a manual on how I'm suppose to live life. I'm a good direction follower. I'm not a leader. I don't know how to lead my life. I'm sorry. For everything. 

I don't want to write anymore. I may not be back for a couple days...or weeks. Idk. I need a break since this isn't going well. Maybe, I have to do a new beginning again...I wish I was able to do something that lasted for once in my life...