Tuesday, April 5, 2016

If I told you what I was, Would you turn your back on me? ♪ __φ(..)

...sometimes, I'm scared of myself. Scared of my own thoughts. Scared of how people see me. Just scared to continue on with life, bc there'll be more heartache, more tears, more anger, and more regret. I wonder if this life...is the life I'm meant to live. I wonder...if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm making the right choices, if this is how my life is going to be always. Lol, my mom broke my jar. Inside my head I got mad that my jar was broken...when I should have been more concerned that she cut herself...it's thoughts like these that make me wish I was a better person. Shouldn't someone else's pain be more important than just stuff? Ugh. I guess I have a lot of growing up to do. My depressing thought for the day.

something positive about the day:
Got to taste the bamboo!! It was yummy! I ate it with salmon. No wonder pandas like the stuff. My hair was looking soft today. And, even though it was hot, there was a nice breeze that blew when it got too hot.

P.S., my brother's favorite phrase as of late: "But, why?" Lol, he'll seriously answer everything I say with that. And I just realized today that I've started saying it too!!!

what I had accomplished:
I sent a text today. It was just an elaborate thank you text, but I don't particularly like texting. It's a permanent record of my awkwardness. People can always keep what I say and, and...I don't like that. But I did send it. I'll admit, it took me about 10 minutes to find the right wording...once again, I can hardly talk to people in real life...so initiating a conversation via text where I have no body language as cues...it's doubly hard. But that's ok, I did it. :O There will be of course more texts in the future, but that's ok, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Lol, update...I looked at the reply text in only 2 h this time. Let me just say, I hate looking at reply texts. Bc, it makes me feel like I have to respond in kind. So hence, why I always wait a long time before looking at my phone again. I'm one of "those" people. I'm sorry. But, idk how to respond!!! If I did and was a master at conversing, I would reply faster. But I'm working on it!!!

I also finished writing my study guide, now I just got to get down to studying. ( ̄^ ̄)ゞ Fighting!! I can do it!!! 

OOOOh and I wore my sunglasses while walking to the library today. It's about a 5 minute walk, but I've always been scared to wear sunglasses bc I feel like people are thinking "What? Are you trying to be cool with those shades? Bc you're not" every time I wear them...I know it's prob just in my head, but I'm my own worse enemy. 

I like wearing sunglasses bc I can look at people more confidently than if I'm not wearing sunglasses. Also the reason I tried to ignore my initial instinct to not wear them is bc I remember how bad my eyes have gotten and I read somewhere it's good to wear sunglasses to protect the eyes from the sun. I need protection bc at the rate I'm going, I'll be blind way before I'm supposed to be. 

something I look forward to the next day:
I only got one class tomorrow. And it should be a class where I don't have to pair up with anyone. Sorry, but pairing up is the scariest part of class when you don't know anyone and it's an odd number. But, if I remember correctly tomorrow is the memorization class...I'm not really a person who can memorize things after seeing it a couple times. I have to actively try to memorize while I'm being taught it. Go over it in my head several times. Do it several times. Do it several more times. Talk through it. Do it several more times...lol, and then I should be able to do a decent, let me reiterate, decent job.

٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و I think I'm allergic to sunlight...lol, jk but even when I get enough sleep, whenever I'm outside, I just start yawning...hmm, wonder what's up with that. 

 this guy is an axolotl...even the name is cute!! He's an endangered species, but look at that smile!!! I want one...but I think it's illegal here in the states. The saddest thing is that bc he has regenerative powers(which by the way is flippin' awesome!!), people use him to do experimental research on...:( That's why he's becoming an endangered species. I hope we humans wouldn't use animals like that...like the whole testing products on animals things. I'm probably a hypocrite for saying all this since I'm not a a vegetarian...but...we shouldn't cut his arms off just because they can grow back...I'm sure he still feels pain. I actually discovered this precious creature when I read about him in a manga. I think I'm going to put that on my bucket list...maybe not to have an axolotl since they might not like to be held captive, but to see one in real life...yeah, that'd be good enough for me. :)

oh lol...I think I pasted the picture correctly, if not and there's no image, then there's always google. Um...I think there's supposed to be something like giving credit to the owner of the picture or I could get sued...or something like that, but I'm not good with technical and legal stuff, so if it's your picture and you don't want me to use it, I can take it down. It's just he's so cute and I wanted everyone to know. Er, I just realized I've been calling the axolotl a boy...idk if he is one or that, it's just girls tend to be pickier and boys more chill, so I always like boy pets more, also I have a repertoire of boy names. Lol if I ever have kids. Got to find someone who would be able to tolerate me first. Lol and that I find tolerable of course. At this rate, it's looking like it's just gonna be me and axolotl for a while.

I just looked in the mirror and it looks like I'm pregnant...lol, except that's physically impossible. Meh, guess that's what summer is for. SUMMMMER!!!! I'M WAITING FOR YOU!!! <3

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